


Wonderland

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Daichi can't hold his drink, Developing Relationship, Domestic Violence, Drinking, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drunkenness, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, drug overdose, they literally just pop in to fill character spaces lmao, very minor OCs - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 68,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Upon hearing the news that he's been offered a job after working relentlessly hard, Bokuto goes out to the bar to celebrate along with Daichi, Akaashi and Kenma. However when Bokuto reunites with an old friend, he feels nothing but desire to keep him and never lose him again... but when following a rabbit- or a cat in this case into the deep dark abyss, will Bokuto end up in a wonderful wonderland or a dismorphed nightmare?





	1. Success

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna add more tags as story goes on.  
> I will always note at the start of a chapter when there will be triggering content, please read with caution!

_You have received a new email!_

 

Golden eyes flickered to his phone as the screen illuminated the dark room, pretty much blinding him. Bokuto sat up and squinted dramatically at his phone as he clicked open the email, not bothering to read the title.

 

_Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you a place on our team…_

 

Bokuto’s eyes began to widen the further down the paragraph he read, realisation hitting him that he’s just been offered the job he prayed to every god that he should get it. The silence of the early evening was broken by his booming voice while he rolled himself around on his bed. “WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO YEEEAAH-”

 

“Hey shut up! What’s the fuss?!” Daichi appeared at the door looking slightly terrified at Bokuto’s outburst, bowl of rice still in hand.

 

“You will never guess what… Like literally never ever guess! Like oh my god, I can’t breath help me- I GOT THE JOB!”

 

“You… You got the job?! Damn Bokuto that’s so good, I’m proud of you!”

 

“Hell yeah you are, you probably thought I’d never get it huh?”

 

“Of course I thought you had a chance. Honestly, I’m proud of you.”

 

“Thanks Dadchi-”

 

“Not proud enough to allow you to call me that.”

 

Bokuto continued his hyperactive response, completely unable to contain himself while Daichi gave him a smile before leaving him alone to take in the great news. Daichi really was proud of him, as Bokuto was feeling low on the subject of jobs but instead of sitting on it, Daichi watched Bokuto actually work his ass off to achieve this so he couldn’t be prouder. Bokuto darted back to his phone and hurriedly scrolled through his contacts before pressing on Akaashi’s name.

 

… … … …

 

_“Hello Bo-”_

 

_“AKAAAAASHI I GOT THE JOB OH MY GOD!!!!”_

 

_“Well done, I told you there was nothing to worry about.”_

 

_“Oh my god what if they fire me on the first day-”_

 

_“They won’t.”_

 

_“Tell Kenma I say hi!”_

 

_“Kenma say’s congratulations.”_

 

_“Thanks you guys… my heart is so touched… Hey, hey we should all go out!”_

 

_“Yeah sure, to celebrate. This is celebrate worthy.”_

 

_“More like drunk off my ass worthy! Let’s go down to the bar tonight! Me, Daichi, You and Kenma!”_

 

_“... … Kenma says that’s fine with him, but we’re not drinking too mu-”_

 

_“Akaaaashi! Please?”_

 

_“We know our limits… Don’t we?”_

 

_“... Okay fine limits but what if my limit is suuuuper high?”_

 

_“Bokuto. What time we going? And have you asked Daichi yet?”_

 

_“Yeah totally he said yeah! And I dunno like 7 or 8? I’ll text you.”_

 

_“Sounds good, bye.”_

 

_“See ya!”_

 

_Beep._

 

Bokuto hauled himself off his bed and basically rolled down the hallway up to the T.V room where Daichi was sat watching some romance movie. Bokuto frowned at the screen for a few moments before interrupting Daichi’s aching heart mood. “God what are you watching?”

 

“Jeeeesus Bokuto, don’t sneak up like that. What do you want?” Daichi put his hand up to his temple as he looked annoyed at Bokuto’s sneak up plan.

 

“You really are soppy after all! Oh but anyway get ready soon we’re going to the pub. In like 2 hours.”

 

“What- huh wait when did this plan happen?”

 

“Just now! And you’re coming so yeah, just giving you a bit of pre notice!”

 

“You call this damn pre notice…”

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto was in deep thought as he began styling his hair in the dimly lit bathroom. He thought of how Daichi had literally kept him on his feet for all this time, encouraging him to aim high and now all of the encouraging has paid off. He was grateful to have a roommate like him, someone who’s like a dad. Daichi is such a dad. Bokuto smiled widely at himself at the happy thought. _Everything’s going so well… Everything is going upwards! Just like volleyball, always gotta look up huh. Man I miss those days._ His smile began to fade as he thought back at the friendships, the rivals and the thrill. Those days were unbeatable in Bokuto’s eyes, the way everyone connected. However as people grew up they also grew apart, including one of Bokuto’s closest friends.

_I wonder what everyone’s up to now..._

The rummage of memories were abruptly interrupted as the doorbell rang and Bokuto instantly barrelled his way towards the door, almost knocking Daichi over who was going to open it himself. As the door swung open to reveal the two pretty former setters, Akaashi and Kenma. “Hey, me and Kenma got you something as a congratulations gift… We know how happy you are about this so…” Akaashi said as he handed Bokuto a neatly wrapped present. Bokuto’s eyebrows raised at their sweet gesture.

 

“Awwww you guys! You got me a present! What is it?!”

 

“Open it and you’ll see.”

 

Bokuto attempted to open it neatly, not wanting to ruin the perfect wrapping but failed pretty much instantly as he made a huge rip down the middle of it. He huffed and gave up, shredding the wrapping paper to see what was inside. It was a game for his xbox one. “Oh my god, For Honor?! MAN YOU GUYS JUST SAVED ME SO MUCH MONEY I LOVE YOU!” Bokuto yanked the two smaller boys into a crushing hug, both of them squirming to get out to avoid their early death. Daichi cleared his throat to draw their attention and Bokuto loosened his death hug.

 

“I booked a seating area so we won’t have to kill our balls on those tiny stalls.”

 

“Dadchi always thinking ahead, thanks man!” Bokuto cheered and pulled the two boys inside the apartment, shutting the door loudly. Akaashi thought to himself how his neighbours deal with Bokuto’s neverending energy. Kenma looked up from his phone to see Bokuto racing to his xbox.

 

“What are you doing, I thought we were leaving?”

 

“But this game is life I’ve been wanted to play this for ages!”

 

“It’s been out for two days.”

 

“Let me guess, you’re already max level?”

 

“Only prestige three.”

 

“UGH! DAMMIT I NEED TO CATCH UP-”

 

Akaashi strutted over to Bokuto and yanked the game out of his hand, putting it on the nearby shelf. “Bokuto, you’ll never exceed Kenma even if you start playing now. He’s on that game 24/7. Now get your shoes on, you want to drink don’t you?”

 

Bokuto’s face appeared to go through 7 different expressions before settling on his determined face. “Hell yeah I do! Come on let’s go!” The three other men sighed and didn’t argue back about who was the one wanting to play a game instead of go out and just followed him out the door.


	2. Grinning Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically drunk.

The group arrived in the bar combined club, music blaring alongside loud laughing from nearby groups plotted around. A staff member took them to their reserved seating area and left multiple drink menus sprawled on the table. Bokuto was quick to grab one and scanned through the list of drinks. As he looked up at the rest of them he noticed Kenma looking a bit uncomfortable and scooted around to sit closer to him. “Hey Kenma, wanna be my wingman?”

 

“What?”

 

“I need to pull! C’mon you’ll be doing me a massive favour!”

 

“Take Akaashi, I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Just stand there and look pretty! Oh by the way what you guys drinking I’ll go up to the bar?”

 

“Skull candy for me.” Akaashi waved his hand a little to get Bokuto’s attention. Kenma pointed to the colour changing drink, of course he would. Kenma would most likely just look at it instead of drink it.

 

“Whatever you’re having. Hey take my card, we’re treating you!” Daichi threw his card over to Bokuto who almost dropped it before smiling widely at him and shooting off towards the bar.

 

He found an unoccupied stool and sat himself down as he waited for the bartender to be free from serving the other people, tapping his foot to the music. Bokuto was lost in thought before a taller male with unruly black hair stumbled onto the stool next to him along with a shorter male with snake like eyes, the two laughing and giggling out of drunkenness. Bokuto huffed out a slight laugh. _Now that’s how I wanna be before I leave… Hm that hair looks familiar…_

Bokuto attempted to subtly watch the drunk pair beside him without making it look painfully obvious he was staring. Something about the taller guy glued Bokuto’s bright eyes to him. _Who is he? Why do I recognise him?_

 

… … …

 

_Oh crap… oh shit! He’s looking at me? I’m looking at him?! Oh crap fuck, Bokuto look away oh god oh fuck- wow he’s hot, oh god no look away Bokuto-_

 

“Waaaaoow man you’re fucking hot! Are your eyes real?!” The bed head shouted over the music. Bokuto was still stunned that he was caught looking.

 

“Oh! Yeah all natural man… Hey do I know you?” _Messy hair, Cheshire cat grin..._

 

“Dunno, I can’t even see straight! Bro… brooo man I know you hey…”

 

“Yeah man you look- Fuck… Kuroo?”

 

Bokuto could barely tell if it wasn’t for the hair, yet on closer inspection under the dim lights he could see his old friend. He was paler than he used to be, and dark bruising under his eyes implying the guy doesn’t even sleep, or was it just the lighting? _No way, he definitely looks off._ Totally different the usually healthy looking, non stop grinning, tanned Kuroo that Bokuto remembers. Kuroo looked a little confused which made Bokuto think for a moment that it wasn’t Kuroo after all. “Wha… wait did I tell you my name?” Kuroo slurred out before taking another gulp from his drink.

 

“No! No you didn’t! Bro, it’s me Bokuto! You remember right?!”

 

“Bo… What. Wow how drunk am I. Bokuto?!”

 

“Yeah bro! Oh my god… Kuroo is that really you?”

 

“Wooooah man this is insane! Bo my broooo! Fuck! Man I’m glad to see you!” Kuroo spun around and looked like he told the guy he was with something before turning back around and pulling Bokuto off his seat, dragging him through the crowd of people and into the cooler smoking area. Bokuto was still dazed, was this really Kuroo? Did he really just run into Kuroo Tetsurou? He's literally been here for 5 minutes and he manages to coincidentally find his old friend. He watched the taller man gracefully weave through the crowd before finding a couple of seats and plonked himself down onto one and placed a cigarette in his mouth, lighting it. Bokuto hesitated before sitting down next to him, still in disbelief. He took a deep breathe before speaking again, afraid he lost his voice or something from the shock.

 

“Kuroo bro… Wow I didn’t expect to find you here! You look so…” _Shit. Still hot as fuck though._

 

“How many years has it been, bro you never kept contact!”

 

_Says you… You went off the grid. Even to Kenma…_ Bokuto remembered the few years Kenma was constantly down in the mud. It was normally Kuroo who held him up, but Kuroo drifted from him and everyone else. Why? “Haha I guess time apart does that… Don’t you speak with Kenma? And uh you smoke? I swear you used to be so against that shit…”

 

“Kenma huh. Nope we haven’t spoken in years. Hahah is someone still edge as fuck?”

 

_He speaks of Kenma so lightly, like he doesn’t give a shit that he pretty much ditched the poor guy. God Kuroo seems like such an ass now…_ “I’m actually with him tonight, Akaashi and Daichi too! Wanna come see them? Damn they’ll be shook to see you!”

 

“Ohoho, bet pudding head’s missed me… Well I dunno he’s the one who cut me off, he may be more pissed to see me if anything.”

 

_Kenma cut Kuroo off? Why? Kenma wouldn’t do that…_ “What? Why?”

 

“Eh.. I dunno bro, Daichi still being fatherly though?”

 

“Call him Dadchi it’s funny as hell!”

 

“That names gold! Akaashi still looking pretty?”

 

“The prettiest of course, bro hurry up with that let’s go see them! Shit I’m meant to get their drinks.”

 

“You get the drinks I’ll go jump on them, surprise kitty.”

 

“How to give them a heart attack 101. Ugh I can't wait to see their reaction!”

 

The pair weaved their way back through the crowd into the stuffy bar, giving eachother a mischievous grin as Kuroo made his way towards the table and Bokuto hurried off towards the bar. Kuroo lingerly slightly as he spotted the familiar pudding haired male from a distance, a sort of sad look crossing his face but the drunkenness took that away almost instantly and he practically jumped onto the seat, the three men looked at him with both surprise and horror. “Yooooo! How’s the volley boys huh?!”

 

“Holy shit Kuroo?” Daichi’s jaw was resting down on the floor.

 

“Long time no see, Kuroo. How are you doing?” Akaashi kept his composure but had a hint of surprise in his voice.

 

“I’ve been better, owl is coming in a sec he’s just grabbing your drinks and shit…” Kuroo’s eyes wandered towards Kenma who looked hilariously speechless. “Hey Kenmaaaaa!”

 

Kenma was still gawking at Kuroo, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He nervously flicked his eyes around before looking down at his hands. He received a few concerned and confused looks from Daichi and Akaashi. “Hi Kuroo.”

 

The momentary tension was broken as Bokuto’s loud voice could be heard over the music. “Drinks are here!” He threw himself down next to Kuroo, almost spilling all the drinks on the tray he was holding before setting it down.

 

“Took you long enough, you found a Kuroo though.” Akaashi leaned over and grabbed his and Kenma’s drink, nudging the latter lightly to check if he’s alright. Kenma nodded slightly and Akaashi frowned, but left the situation for now.

 

“Yeah, as if though! I missed you bro! Oh by the way got shots too, 2 each.”

 

“Missed you too Bo…” Kuroo looked off towards the bar counter and Bokuto followed his line of sight. He was looking at the snake like guy who was with two other guys. _Hell he looks creepy._ “I’d love to stay longer, but I gotta run.”

 

_What? I just got you back… No, not yet Kuroo, please…_ “No stay! Why leaving so soon?”

 

“Sorry bro I got shit to do, nice seeing you lot though!”

 

“No wait Kuroo! Your number, can I have it?”

 

“Oh shit yeah course bro, you type it though I can’t see shit.”

 

“Perhaps you should take a break on drinking, you’re barely sat up straight.” Akaashi said.

 

“Nah this is nothing! Oh I’ll probably be here later if you’re still around. Hopefully see you lot soon.”

 

Bokuto finished putting his number into Kuroo’s phone and sent himself a text saying ‘love u’. He handed Kuroo back his phone and pulled him into one of his death hugs, however he knew Kuroo was the only man alive who would take them like a champ, and deliver them back just as deadly. The hug felt like they were back in school, back at training camp where they’d hug out the end of their games and bidding farewells till the next training camp. It all felt so nostalgic. Kuroo pulled away patting on Bokuto’s back before disappearing into the crowd. Bokuto sat down and let out a low whine, taking a large gulp from his drink.

 

“He looked like he’s seen better days.” Daichi said.

 

“Hm yeah, bit on the rough side. Kenma, are you alright?” Akaashi looked towards Kenma who was still shuffling in his seat nervously. Bokuto frowned in concern.

 

“Oh yeah Kenma, Kuroo said you uh... Cut him off?”

 

“Bokuto.” Akaashi sent Bokuto a warning glare.

 

“I mean I’m just curious and all-”

 

“Yes, I did.” Kenma interrupted. The three men looked at him in shock, all the them believing Kuroo simply stopped talking to him.

 

“What? But why you guys were the bestest friends?” Bokuto asked.

 

“We were. But people change. You shouldn’t really get involved with him.”

 

Bokuto, Daichi and Akaashi looked at each other confused. Why was Kenma saying this?

 

“Don’t worry about it, we don’t have to talk about it tonight.” Akaashi tried to ease the tension but it was futile.

 

“No, no wait why would you say that? He’s your best friend, he was my friend too and you just cut him off and now you’re even saying we shouldn’t talk to him?”

 

“Bokuto!” Akaashi and Daichi hissed in union.

 

“It’s okay. But he’s not the guy you knew in training camp.” Kenma’s face was no longer nervous and was replaced by a sort of angry expression. _He’s just Kuroo… He’s still the same..._

 

“What-”

 

“Nevermind, I’m going home. I’m tired.”

 

“Ah Kenma come on, Bo’s just being a dick!” Daichi called out as Kenma began to stand up, receiving a frown off Bokuto.

 

“Kenma I’m sorry! C’mon stay, I won’t bug you anymore.”

 

“Yeah, Bokuto meant no harm.” Akaashi said.

 

“It’s fine, Bokuto did nothing wrong.” Kenma settled back into his seat and the four sat silently with only the loud music filling the air between them. _Great, tonight is gonna go so damn smooth..._

 

* * *

 

 The air began to lighten up as the four finished drink after drink, any tension lost in the buzz. Kenma was more relaxed and got along fine with Bokuto as though they had no misunderstanding, Bokuto was happy. Really happy. Really buzzed. His tongue was numb and his eyes were beginning to lose focus.

 

_Message from Kurobro!_

 

_Kurobro: Hop ur survivin withot me! !! i m comin back ssoon bro if ur stil there ok_

 

Bokuto couldn’t help but break out into a smile, Daichi peeking over his shoulder and slightly shaking his head at Kuroo’s drunken typing.

 

_Brokuto: Yeeeah bro! How drunlk are u?_

_Kurobro: veeeery, ok am comin now b ther ein 5_

_Brokuto: Wanna kno somthin bro ?_

_Kurobro: ye wat?_

_Brokuto: im ceelbrating getting this job ive really wanted 4 a v long time, man im so happy_

_Kurobro: shit brooooo well donnnnrrr!!!!! Shots for celebratiiioon!_

 

“Come on Bokuto get off your phone.” Akaashi frowned at Bokuto who gave him a bright smile.

 

“Akaaaaaaashi you’re so pretty, will you dance with me?” Bokuto laughed as Akaashi smiled like an angel at his comment.

 

“Sure, let me just finish my drink.” Akaashi chugged down the remaining quarter of his drink, Kenma raising his eyebrows at him.

 

“While you’re both up, wanna go grab more drinks?” Daichi tugged on Bokuto’s shirt as he stood up.

 

“So we going for blackout level wasted?” Bokuto was already seeing the blackout coming hard and fast.

 

“Nope.” Akaashi chipped in.

 

“Why the hell not? It’s Friday.” Daichi said with a huff, looking like he’s completely given on the idea of a ‘calm night out’ he originally had in mind.

 

“Now that’s what I’m talking about! Oh and Kuroo- is uh...” Bokuto side glanced Kenma for a moment before finding his voice again, “Is coming back in a bit guys.”

 

“Cool, he gonna stick around longer than 5 seconds this time?” Daichi asked.

 

“Gonna stick around foooor like 5 hours maybe?” Kuroo appeared over Bokuto’s shoulder, startling the latter. Bokuto’s excitement shot through the roof as he was reunited with his trash ex rival once again.

 

Kenma blinked before standing up in front of Kuroo, Kuroo giving him a confused look. “Want to dance? Bokuto is taken by Akaashi.”

 

“Sure I’ll just sit here and watch you all, this is fine. Get me my damn drink.” Daichi groaned.

 

“Did the pretty little pudding head ask me to dance? There’s only one answer for that… Yes!” Kuroo was quick to grab Kenma’s hand and pulled him to the the dance floor, Akaashi smiling at the two. Kuroo was controlling Kenma like a marionette on strings, rather amusing to watch.

 

“Come on Bokuto, let’s go get the drinks and we can dance… Kenma looks fine now.”

 

“I knew the little guy missed him deep down, reunions all the way!”

 

* * *

 

Bokuto flapped his shirt to cool himself down, sweat sheening his face. The crowd in the bar grew as the night went on and the dramatic dancing with Kuroo taking a toll on him. Kuroo sure had a lot of energy and didn’t look close to passing out from exhaustion yet. “Bro I’m dyin’, l need air!” Bokuto huffed.

 

“Come for a cig with me then- It’s cooler out there.”

 

Bokuto turned his attention from the flashing floor back to Kuroo and nodded. “Yeah, yeah let’s go I’m legit gonna pass out. Wait where’s the others?”

 

“At the counter bro, look.” Kuro pointed towards the rest of their group who were talking to some other people Bokuto didn’t recognise. He nodded and followed Kuroo out of the sea of people, but he wasn’t going to the smoking area.

 

“Hey, hey Kuroo it’s this way isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, going there in a bit going to the toilet first, come on!”

 

Bokuto was just then reminded how full his bladder actually is and squirmed where he stood a bit. The toilets were dully lit but more or less clean, surprisingly. Kuroo quickly looked in all the cubicles before settling next to the sink and rummaged through his pockets. Bokuto didn’t wait around to see what he was doing and raced to the the closest urinal, releasing himself with a dramatic sigh. “Holy shit I don’t even know how long I was holding that…”

 

“Haha man I’ve never seen someone piss so much!” Kuroo hunched himself over the sink and a loud snorting sound caught Bokuto’s attention and looked over to him. _No way, what the…_

 

“Bro what the fuck!”

 

“What, y’want some?”

 

“No man what are you doing that’s bad!” Bokuto’s panic was clear in his eyes and Kuroo sighed, continuing to line up the white powder into a couple of lines on the back of his phone.

 

“Man relax, you’re acting like Kenma!” Bokuto was still stood there, eyes wide, mouth hanging and dick out. Kuroo snickered at the sight and Bokuto regained himself. _Kenma knows about this? What the hell..._

 

“Seriously dude… That’s not good for you. You been doing that all night?” Bokuto thought about how many times Kuroo had actually disappeared to the toilets in the many hours they’ve been there already.

 

“It’s just a bit of fun, honestly I’m not gonna die. Wipe off that face already we gotta get wasted!”

 

The owlish man zipped himself up and stared at Kuroo, both sad and angry before sighing and accepting it. He put on his best grin and shuffled over next to him. “Whatever, you’re still my bro! Hey, hey wanna crash at mine and Daichi’s later?”

 

“Bros forever… Yeah man! You guys go uni then?”

 

“Daichi does, he offered me to share his place because cheaper living with someone and I happened to be near by and looking for accommodation, it's pretty neat!”

 

“Pretty fucking cool...But hey can I just…” Kuroo stood up straight, wiping the excess powder off his nose and stared right at Bokuto. The shorter man shifted his eyes nervously as Kuroo looked almost predatory, the owl being the cat’s prey. It felt like all eternity has passed before Bokuto realised the warmth crushing his lips. _Man his face is so close… So warm… so soft, woah we’re kissing?!_ His strong hands subconsciously made their way behind Kuroo’s head, grabbing onto the black mess as he leaned in and kissed back roughly. It was as if the two were having a competition, but except it wasn’t with a volleyball. Kuroo pulled back with a gasp of air and two former captains looked at each other for a little while before they broke out in a cheeky grin.

 

“Kuroo-”

 

“Damn I’ve wanted to do that all my life, you’re so hot man.”

 

“Fuck! Wow, I mean I’ve totally…” Bokuto wanted to say he totally fancied him throughout school. The late night texting and the excess time they spent together in training camp that wasn’t just volleyball related… But does that sound too fucking gay? “I fucking fancy you bro, can we uh… do that again?”

 

“Come here then.” Kuroo shot him a wink with a lopsided grin and Bokuto didn’t waste anytime to dive right for the seductive bastard. _Am I dreaming, what the fuck is happening? This is Kuroo… Hell whatever, I’m wasted._ The two men were practically ripping each other apart as they ate each other’s faces off, even being walked in on didn’t stop them. A low whistle came from the intruder before he laughed and went for a piss, being completely ignored in the heated lust and desire. _His lean body, his rock hard abs, his sharp fucking jawline, his gorgeous face, just him… I want him. Stay with me…_ The lust filled haze was whipped away abruptly as a cleared throat sounded behind them, the two slowly pulling away from each other to look. Daichi stood in the doorway with an eyebrow raised and a held back smirk.

 

“Be safe you two… I’m just here for a piss.”

 

“Kay dad-”

 

“Shu’ddup” Daichi slurred, You two coming back soon? Have a few more drinks before we head back.” He stumbled a bit as he pulled up his zipper and the pair snickered at him. _Someone's having a good time._

 

* * *

 

 The rest of the night felt like a blur of bright lights and faces. Mostly Kuroo’s face in Bokuto’s case. He couldn’t keep his eyes off him, and he didn’t try to hide his stares either. Not too long later, Bokuto’s legs were refusing to work and his head span like he was on a fairground ride. “Holllly shii’ I can’t even stand…” Bokuto propped himself up on a nearby stool and Akaashi gave him a concerned look.

 

“That’s enough drinks, I’ll go get you some water-”

 

“Or more shots! C’mon leave the sensible act for tonight let him celebrate.” Kuroo nudged Bokuto and held a shot glass filled with a pink liquid in front of his face. Bokuto’s sloppy face attempted to grin but looked like a melted snarl. Kuroo appeared to be acting rather hyper jittery, much to Akaashi’s confusion as he watched him drink enough to put him on the floor. He raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“Yeah bud, gimme tha’.” Bokuto slurred, grabbing the shot out of Kuroo’s hand and downed it with a scrunched up face. Kuroo soon followed after with his shot. Akaashi sighed and leaned on a stool and scanned the group, realising Daichi wasn’t among them. “Where’s Daichi?”

 

Kuroo’s long arm stretched towards the further end of the bar and Akaashi followed it, “Lightweight found his angel… Uh what’s his name- Suga or whatever.” Daichi was doing a typical dad dance, or was at least trying to as Sugawara was holding him up.

 

“Huuuuh Suga is here?” Bokuto drawled out.

 

“I called him, Daichi is very drunk.” Kenma noted and leaned over the bar counter to ask the bartender for some water.

 

“Oh god, how did he get into that state…” Akaashi’s eyes flicked between Bokuto, Kuroo and Daichi and sighed. “Okay let’s call it a night before we get a serious case of alcohol poisoning. Kuroo you coming with us?”

 

“Yuh he is, he’s my new boyfriend!” Bokuto waved lazily as he leaned on Kuroo who chuckled next to him.

 

“I don’t remember where I live!” Kuroo laughed. Kenma and Akaashi looked at eachother before face palming.

 

“Take that as a yes, come on let’s go. Someone grab Daichi and Suga.”

 

* * *

 

 Daichi was drunk, really drunk. He asked his own boyfriend if he wants to date him, multiple times. Sugawara was pretty good at keeping a drunk Daichi under control, unlike Akaashi and Kenma who were seriously struggling with Bokuto and Kuroo. Akaashi had one arm linked around Bokuto’s huge arm, his shoulder aching terribly from dragging the heavier man. “Bokuto can you please walk a bit you're too heavy.” Akaashi looked over to Kenma and saw he was holding Kuroo’s hand, guiding the mess in the right direction. He tripped over pavement curbs and thin air alike. Kenma looked 200% done.

 

“Kuroo watch where you're walking before you fall.” Kenma said, watching Kuroo stumble for the 60th time.

 

“Ha y’know if I fall… you fall too… and that's all you're worried about.” The taller man slurred, giving Kenma a sloppy grin.

 

“Exactly, so please don't fall.” Kenma huffed and attempted to let go of Kuroo’s hand, but the latter held on. The shorter male kissed his teeth and held onto his hand again. Akaashi smiled at them, knowing regardless of what Kenma was on about earlier, whatever the heck that was, he still missed Kuroo dearly. He wondered what even happened between them two and looked down at Bokuto who was still dragging his feet and letting Akaashi do all the walking. Akaashi was glad him and Bokuto were still going strong, and didn't know what life would be like without him. Pretty dull probably.

 

“I'll take Daichi to mine! He's going to need some serious looking after in the morning… Bokuto has the key right?” Sugawara asked and Akaashi patted Bokuto’s pockets and felt the keys.

 

“Yeah he does, thanks for coming out Suga we owe you one… Sorry we didn't know he’d get into such a mess.”

 

“No worries! It's fine, I'll scold him for his bad judgement when he's lucid. See you tomorrow!”

 

“Bye Suga!” Akaashi waved.

 

“See you later.” Kenma added. They watched Sugawara struggle to drag Daichi up the street before going off in the direction of Bokuto’s and Daichi’s flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's around 20 - 21 years old.


	3. Curiosity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sorry for this super late update, I should hopefully be able to update weekly now that most of my college assignment are out of the way!

The head spinning made Bokuto’s stomach turn as he groaned on his bed, his jumbled mind thought how did he even get there? He rolled over in attempt to position himself to get up but failed as he flopped right off it, a loud thud as he connected to the wooden floor. He whined and took a few moments, minutes, probably hours for all he knew as he sat himself back up without throwing up everywhere. “Still spinning?” A deep voice croaked from the far end of the bed, Bokuto looked up in surprise and panicked a little before realising it was Kuroo. _Kuroo, that’s right… I found him again after years, it wasn’t a hallucination after all! Or am I still off my shit?_

 

“Oh god, I think I’m dying… what’s the time bro?” Bokuto asked and he watched Kuroo shuffle on the bed closer to him to help him up.

 

“Like 6 or 7. We only got back like a few hours ago.”

 

“I’m still drunk.” Bokuto whined and Kuroo let out a weak laugh. “Have you slept?”

 

“Nah, but I gotta get going in a bit…” Kuroo’s voice lacked the usual enthusiasm and hype he had, sounding more dull and monotone. Bokuto squinted his eyes to look closer at Kuroo and saw his face matched his voice. Dull and uncaring, very unlike Kuroo, Bokuto thought to himself. _Maybe the hangover is hitting him hard. Or maaaybe that’s just what drugs do, hmp._ Bokuto accidentally reminded himself of what he witnessed, Kuroo putting literal shit up his nose for ‘a bit of fun’. _Bullshit_. Bokuto was very anti-drugs but he didn’t want to scare Kuroo off when he just got him back. Kuroo also looks way skinnier than he remembered, looks more lanky. 

 

“Huh, why not wait till mornin’? You still look fucked.”

 

“Trust me bro I feel it… I’ve actually got to go do something in a bit.” Kuroo buried his face into a pillow and did a fake cry.

 

“Huh what you gotta do, you got work or something? Oh where’dya work though?”

 

“Ohoh… I’ll let you find out on your own… if you ever do. But nah not work. How about you and your dream job Mr. Successful?”

 

“Huuuh? What’s that suppose to mean, come on tell me! And I’m a fitness instructor at a high school! Actually a damn pain to get that job needing like 3 years experience, other places only need 1! So I was working in like random gyms for a while… Pay was shit but still fun. Now I get to turn high schoolers into mini me’s!” Bokuto was fighting through the headache and nausea as he got excited all over again about getting the job, Kuroo smiled at him in a way as if he was proud. Or just happy to see Bokuto so happy. Whatever way, Bokuto liked that smile.

 

“Shit man you’ll do good, seriously. What’s Kenma and Akaashi doing then?”

 

“Both at uni, no damn clue what they’re studying… Oh Akaashi I think he’s studying literature or something? Or maybe that’s Kenma? Damn I don’t even know fuck…” A memory hit Bokuto of Kuroo telling him once upon a time he wanted to go to university, Bokuto wondered if he actually went. “Hey didn’t you want to go to uni at some point?” He seemed to hit a nerve as Kuroo visibly flinched at the question, Bokuto instantly regretting asking.

 

“Yeah, I did go but dropped out before my second year…” Kuroo chewing on his thumbnail as he spoke and had a hint of sadness in his voice, Bokuto didn’t know whether to push the question or not and was barely able to fight back his curiosity before Kuroo spoke again. “Uuuugh my head, I gotta go now bro. Text me whenever you’re free?”

 

“Course, it was good to finally fucking find you again!” Bokuto commented and Kuroo laughed. “I’ll let you know what my schedule's like and we can hangout sometime yeah?”

 

“Definitely.” Kuroo hummed while putting on his jacket and pushing his feet into his shoes, Bokuto wanted to beg him to stay but held himself back. He hauled himself up and followed Kuroo to the door to see him out.

 

Bokuto tilted his head slightly as Kuroo was at the door and the realisation hit him. “Wait, we were like… In the same bed?”

 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t completely take advantage!” Kuroo winked before jogging off down the stairs and disappearing around the corner. Bokuto wouldn’t care if they actually did something, he lusted for Kuroo and that’s something he couldn’t deny for shit. _Hey shit wait he never told me what his job is… Probably a drug dealer._ Bokuto shook off that thought in denial as he closed the door and spent a few moments staring into space, lost in thought. Suddenly, an idea sprung into his mind and he almost ran back over to his room before a wave of nausea hit him again, reminding him he’s still in a fragile state. He half hurried as fast as he could until he reached his phone and scrolled down to Kenma’s contact.

 

_Bokuto: KEEEENNNMAAAAAAAA_

_Bokuto: yooo_

_Bokuto: u awake?_

 

Bokuto frowned at looked at the time. _Shit what the fuck it’s early… OH right I only woke up to let Kuroo out. Everyone else must still be passed out._ He sighed and flopped back down on his bed and almost instantly fell back into a deep, long sleep.

 

* * *

 

  _Buzz, buzz!_

 

_Buzz, buzz!_

 

_Buzz, buzz…_

 

_W’the hell… is that…? Is someone ringing the bell… Wait no bell’s ding dong… Huh._ It took Bokuto a full minute to realise he was holding his phone up to his face and staring at screen where Daichi’s face is flashing. _Oh shit Daichi’s ringing. “Hello?”_

 

_“Damn thought you were dead with how long you took to answer.”_

 

_“Haha sorry… Maan my head's killing me ugh.”_

 

_“Tell me about it, shit… Yeah was just checking you were up so you can let me in later. Like the next 20 mins I need to come back soon.”_

 

_“Oh cool yeah I’m up.”_

 

_“Had a good night?”_

 

_“Hell yeeeeah! I should be asked you to be honest, you were so gone.”_

 

_“Yeah I can feel the aftermath… Hey is Kuroo still with you?”_

 

_“Nah he left this morning or sumthin’... Yeah this morning. Oh yeah shit he said he had something to do and left at like what… 6am! He didn’t even sleep, rest in peace.”_

 

_“I’ll pay my respects to him at his grave. Anyway I’m gonna go get ready, see you later.”_

 

_“See ya!”_

 

_Beep._

 

Bokuto pulled his phone away from his ear and looked at the time on his phone. _12:39pm, still early… Or late I don’t even know._ He realised he had a new message from Kenma from about an hour ago.

 

_Kenma: Yes?_

 

_Yeeees now I can ask him!_

 

_Bokuto: whats kuroos job??_

 

Bokuto started excitedly at the screen, knowing damn well Kenma was unreliable at replying quickly but his curiosity got the better of him. 5 minutes passed, 10 minutes, closing in to 20 minutes before…

 

_Kenma: Why you asking me?_

_Bokuto: so u know???!_

_Kenma: No._

_Bokuto: heeeeey come o n tell me pls?_

_Kenma: I actually don’t know. If you’re forgetting I don’t really talk to him anymore._

 

_Shit…_

 

_Bokuto: oh but i gotta ask u something else… so when u said kuroo changed did u mean because he_

 

_Should I even be asking this? Fuck it I gotta know._

 

_Kenma: ?_

_Bokuto: because he does drugs?_

 

Bokuto’s palms started to get sweaty as Kenma left the message on “seen” but has yet to reply after a few minutes. Maybe he was doing something? _Maybe I pissed him off shit-_

 

_Kenma: You know that?_

_Bokuto: it is then! I mean ye its bad and all but he seems ok still? He only uses at like parties and stuff right_

_Kenma: I’m not gonna talk about it lol._

_Bokuto: but kenmaaaaaaaaa_

 

That seemed to be the end of the line for that conversation as Kenma left the message on seen for a solid 30 mins before Bokuto accepted his defeat. _Why am I even so bothered, it’s his life after all. Whatever. Just uses them for fun. That’s fine, it’s totally fine._ A loud knocking interrupted his thought train and he pulled himself up to make his way towards the door and opened it. Daichi looked horrible and Bokuto couldn’t hold back his howling laugh. “Bokuto shut the hell up.” Daichi huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose as if he was fighting a headache, understandably.

 

“Calm night out huh?”

 

* * *

*

 Kuroo was doubled over in the toilet as he heaved up his pretty much empty insides. The sound of retching echoed through the small flat and a snake like man popped his head around the bathroom door. “Jesus what’s up with you.” He asked as he raised an eyebrow. Kuroo couldn’t even turn his head to reply to him without gagging. “Where were you last night? Thought you were working?”

 

“I was.” Kuroo breathed as he slowly leaned back away from the toilet and ran his hand down his clammy face. The other male laughed at him before he began to walk away. “Do me a few lines please, before I die or something.”

 

“Eh I reckon you’d die if you did some more! You had enough from last night-”

 

“Don’t take the piss Daishou, go do me a few I’ll get up in a sec.” He almost sounded pissed off but the weakness from the brutal hangover overrided the anger. Daishou kissed his teeth and walked off, muttering something about not ordering him around. It took Kuroo a little while to gather up the energy to stand up again, very shakily at the least. He hovered over the toilet a moment as the nausea felt overpowering but nothing came. There probably wasn’t even any bile left to puke. Kuroo slowly walked over to the living room where Daishou was flicking through the channels and Kuroo looked towards the table and huffed out a laugh. “What was that about not ordering you around?”

 

“Fuck off Kuroo, you gon’ do them cuz I will if you don’t.”

 

“Fucking hypocrite huh…”

 

“What? I didn’t do nearly as much as you did last night, what a waste of money.”

 

“Was my money after all.” Kuroo began rolling up a money note tightly and lowered his head towards the powdery lines.

 

“Who were you with anyway? New boyfriend?”

 

“He’s pretty hot-” Kuroo made a loud sniff as he snorted the lines on the table, Daishou watched impatiently wanting to know who the mystery guy was. “Some guy from volleyball in school.”

 

“Oooh him, what a shame you can’t date him.” Daishou snickered and received a not so happy look from Kuroo. He knew exactly what he was referring to and it made his blood boil.

 

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

 

* * *

*

 Bokuto mindlessly ran through all the channels on the T.V as he ate crisps from a bowl next him. He was slouched all the way down on the sofa and his legs were up on the table which Daichi completely disapproved of. “Bokuto get off the table.”

 

“You’re not helping me to invest in an actual foot rest.” Bokuto pouted and Daichi stomped over to grab both his feet and dump them on the floor.

 

“When do you start your new job anyway?”

 

“2 weeks, it’s so long i just wanna start it now…”

 

“Wasn’t immediate start?”

 

“Had the option but I kinda panicked and thought I needed 2 weeks to process the information.”

 

“Dumb ass, anyway I gotta go to class. Make yourself useful and do something like… clean the place. Or buy more food. Or something, you can’t sit there all week.”

 

“Huh… Wait what day is it?”

 

“Monday... Where’s your head been?”

 

“Oh…” Bokuto frowned and looked at his phone. He’d been so lost in waiting for Kuroo to message him he didn’t realise he was pretty much doing absolutely nothing for this long. _Maybe he doesn’t really want much to do with me after all…_

 

“Go hang out with Kuroo or something then.”

 

_Funny he should say that._ “But he hasn’t even messaged me since he left on Saturday…”

 

“Oh…” Daichi did his ‘oh I get it now’ face once Bokuto spoke those words. “You’re seriously moping about because he hasn’t messaged you? Damn just message him! You’re not a school girl come on.”

 

“Fuck… yeah you’re right! I mean he doesn’t hate me right?”

 

“Why the hell would he? You were both eating each other’s faces a couple of days ago, personally I wouldn’t do that with someone I hate.”

 

“Crap you remember that?”

 

“Like I can cleanse my mind from that. Like Jesus you two, anyway I’m off see you later.” Daichi left through the door as Bokuto shouted at a goodbye before he was left with the T.V’s sound as his only company. He fumbled around for his phone and scrolled down to Kuroo’s contact, debating whether or not he should call him. _Yeah fuck it, what could go wrong?_ He tapped the call button and nervously put his phone up to his ear and waited. Between each beep beep it felt like hours. Was he going to pick up? Was he ignoring him? _He doesn’t want to talk fuck my life._

 

_“Bo?”_

 

_Oh my shit he picked up-_

 

_“I- uh- Hey Kuroo!”_

 

_“Brooo hey what’s up?”_

 

_“Nothing much, nothing much so like I was wondering… like you doing anything today bro?”_

 

_“Nah not really, wanna hang out?”_

 

_He beat me to the point… Maybe I was overthinking shit._

 

_“Yeah! Like dude I’m so bored I’ve been sat around doing fuck all I need to get out.”_

 

_“Same man I full on lost track of days fuck, should I come over to you? Think I remember where you live.”_

 

_“Yeah sounds good!”_

 

_“Cool bro I’ll go get ready, see ya-”_

 

_Beep._

 

_That… wasn’t bad at all. Maybe he didn’t realise he forgot to message me._ Bokuo found himself grinning to himself and he didn’t know why he was so damn happy. Totally not because they had a moment on friday. _We were drunk, get over it Bokuto._ Bokuto’s risen mood reflected in his actions as he hurriedly got up and started tidying the play. Tidying? Bokuto? The two just don’t go together. Bokuto was far too excited to sit around and question his hyper mood and just got down to it. _I wonder how long he’s gonna be. Maybe I should make food? Oh I can’t wait to show him For Honor- wait he likes games right? Yeah he does, at least he used to… He’ll like For Honor definitely._

 

_Buzz, buzz._

 

Bokuto basically dived onto his phone and quickly picked up without looking at the name.

 

_“Hello?!”_

 

_“Bokuto.”_ The familiar calm and uncaring voice of...

 

_Oh… Akaashi._

 

_“Oh hey Akaashi what’s up?”_

 

_“Who’d you think I was?”_

 

_“Pffff no one, no one…”_

 

_“Okay, so since you’ve been doing pretty much noth-”_

 

_“Says who?!”_

 

_“Daichi. Me and Kenma will come over later. Get takeaway?”_

 

Akaashi never full on shows it, but he does care for Bokuto’s wellbeing a lot. Hearing Bokuto has been floating around out of the action for the past few days sets off a few alarms.

 

_“Awwww yeah! Sounds good. Oh I’m meeting Kuroo today by the way… can he stay for takeaway- I mean like if he even wants to.”_

 

_“Sure. Anyway I have to go now… You okay though?”_

 

_“What, course I’m okay! Aw do you care about m-”_

 

_“Bye Bokuto.”_

 

_Beep._

 

_New message!_

 

_Kurobro: shit what number is your flat again lmao_

 

_Oh god he’s here, oh my god he actually came?!_ Bokuto’s heart began to race with excitement that he almost forgot to reply to him.

 

_Brokuto: 47 dude 3rd floor !!_

_Kurobro: i was pretty close yoooo_

 

_Ding dong._

 

Bokuto had no idea what this feeling was. Relief? Why would he feel relieved though. Maybe because he was in complete disbelief that Kuroo actually wanted to hang out with him. Why was he so worried? Hell, he was here now anyway. He swung the door open and before Kuroo could get in a word Bokuto had already grabbed the front of his jacket and dragged him in. “Kuroo! Man I’m glad to see you.” Bokuto almost yelled, and Kuroo’s expression changed from brief shock to a gentle smile.

 

“Same bro! I’ve been so fucking bored it’s unreal… Hey sorry for not messaging you or anything I totally forgot what day it was and shit…” Kuroo did a sort of nervous laugh and sheepishly looked towards Bokuto, searching for some kind of forgiveness. Bokuto stared at him as if he just read his mind or something. _Kuroo didn’t mean to after all…_

 

“What?! Who cares bro it don’t matter! Just happy we can hang out today.” Bokuto dragged Kuroo into a crushing hug before letting go and jogging over to the lounge. “Hey, hey you know that For Honor game?”

 

Kuroo followed close behind. “Oh yeah I still need to get that, looks fucking sick! Wait… don’t tell me...”

 

“I have it! Kenma and Akaashi got it for me oh god I nearly cried, you have to try it out!”

 

“No fucking way, oh my god what you maining?”

 

Bokuto and Kuroo went on for a very long time, their excitement getting the best of them. The noise only escalated when they were actually playing the game. It was surprising the neighbours didn’t come banging down the door telling them to shut the hell up. They played for a few hours before their painful hands from over gaming took over and they decided they needed a break. “Bro where’s your toilet?” Kuroo asked as he cracked his fingers.

 

“Up there and to your left.” Bokuto pointed, “Wanna go out for a bit? Akaashi and all that are coming round at like 6 or 7 so we got loads of time to kill.”

 

“Sure man.” Kuroo disappeared around the corner and called out before he shut the bathroom door, “Where you wanna go?”

 

Bokuto hummed for a moment as he thought of where they could go, then the idea hit him. “Hey… still got those volleyball skills?” He called as he walked over towards the bathroom to talk to Kuroo easier.

 

“Is that even a question? Fuck yeah I do!”

 

“The court it is then! Let’s pray there’s no brats there…” Bokuto listened to the water running before he went into the room opposite the bathroom, looking for a volleyball. “Swear it was here somewhere- oh found it!”

 

Kuroo emerged from the bathroom with his toothy grin plastered on. “Let’s do this. It’s already giving me some serious nostalgia.”

 

* * *

 

 “Fuck!” Bokuto yelled as Kuroo blocked yet another one of his spikes. He clearly hasn’t lost his blocking abilities.

 

“Ohoho, what’s wrong ace? Looking a bit rusty eh~” Kuroo taunted, and got just the reaction he was hoping for.

 

“I’m actually gonna rip that stupid grin off your face!”

 

Kuroo could do nothing but laugh, he loved winding up Bokuto like he used to in the past. The feeling of blocking one of the top aces really did it for him, but Bokuto was _the_ top ace to him. Kuroo had been lost in thought for a moment too long and missed Bokuto’s spike. “Aw shit.”

 

“YEEEAH! DID ANYONE SEE THAT?!”

 

“The one and only, nice kill.” Kuroo laughed at Bokuto’s victory poses. Bokuto ducked under the net and high fived Kuroo.

 

“This is so fun, we should get the others to come down here too sometime!”

 

“It’s giving me the feels, for real…” Kuroo hummed and rubbed his nose. Bokuto noticed he was doing that a lot.

 

“Hey what’s up with-” Bokuto was stopped by the buzzing of his phone, it was Akaashi.

 

_“Hey Akaashi!”_

 

_“Hello Bokuto, me and Kenma will be there soon.”_

 

_“Oh cool I’ll go back now, is Daichi there?”_

 

_“Yeah I rang him he said you weren’t there so I thought I’d let you know.”_

 

_“Cool, cool I’ll see you soon!”_

 

_Beep._

 

* * *

 

 The walk back to Bokuto’s place was quiet, but not the awkward silence kind of quiet. It just felt like they were both content and happy with just being at each other’s sides. It was peaceful. _It feels like a dream… that’s too good to be true._ “Hey Kuroo… can I ask you something?”

 

“Sure?” He answered as he lit a cigarette.

 

“You’ve been in the same area as me for so long… why is it only now we’re talking?” Bokuto couldn't stop the words from coming out, but no matter how peaceful and happy he felt he just couldn’t get that thought out of his head. Why didn’t Kuroo talk to him for all these years? Bokuto noticed Kuroo fell behind in pace and slowly turned around to face him, almost afraid to see his expression. He was right to be afraid, Kuroo had a completely unreadable expression that resembled hurt, guilt and confusion all together.

 

“I… It was never really the best time to…” Kuroo nervously looked to the ground and spent a moment trying to find the right words and Bokuto waited patiently. “I didn’t want to drag you down or anything.”

 

“Drag me down? How?! You just one day decide to not text me anymore how do you think I felt?! Bro we were like… we were brothers man. You just fall off the face of the earth and now your only excuse is that you didn’t want to drag me down?” Bokuto couldn't control his anger anymore, but he felt more sad than angry as he wasn’t able to understand Kuroo’s shit reasoning.

 

“Bo I’m sorry. But there was a lot of shit going on and I knew if I carried on talking to you you’d just eventually hate me. Like Kenma did.”

 

Bokuto’s heart dropped at Kenma’s mention, fully aware of how he feels about Kuroo now. Was Kuroo afraid of Bokuto feeling the same way so he ran away before he could find out? _No… What the fuck._ “You… I still don’t get what even happened with you two but I would NEVER ditch you bro! I’ll go through hell with you I don’t care I just-” Bokuro stopped abruptly to catch his breath and calm his voice down to avoid yelling to loud. He looked back towards Kuroo who looked nothing but guilty. “I just don’t want you to leave me again bro… Okay?”

 

Kuroo gave a sad smile before he answered after a few longed out seconds. “I won’t…”

 

“Shit… FUCK!” Bokuro kicked the nearby bin and Kuroo watched in confusion. “Kuroo… Fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ruin today I just… I just wanted to know… I’m really sor-” Bokuto was stopped as Kuroo grabbed the back of his head and pulled him towards his face, holding their foreheads together.

 

“Don’t worry, I saw it coming eventually.”

 

“It was going so well…” Bokuto stared into Kuroo’s almost golden eyes and got lost in them. “Are you… okay though? Like you said shit was going on any all.”

 

Kuroo pulled away and smiled. “It’s all fine, trust me!” Bokuto watched Kuroo walk on ahead and followed him. _Is it fine though… Why won’t you open up?_

 

* * *

 

 When Bokuto and Kuroo made it back, Kenma and Akaashi had already beat them there and they all bickered over what takeaway to have. Eventually they settled on pizza and Akaashi said he’ll go pick out the movies. “Hey, Kuroo want to help me pick?” Akaashi asked the taller male who looked pretty restless sitting in one spot.

 

“Oh sure.” Kuroo voice sounded questioning, as though he was suspicious of Akaashi for whatever reason. Bokuto looked over at the two before making his way into the kitchen to talk with Daichi and Kenma.

 

“Thanks, they never seem to like what I pick.”

 

“Could imagine you picking something that’d make all those wetty’s cry.” Kuroo snickered and Akaashi laughed a bit.

 

“You’re probably right… Hey let’s actually go for that.”

 

“War movies are the best for that shit.”

 

“Agreed, think there’s Saving Private Ryan here somewhere…” Akaashi ran his finger down the stack of DVD’s and Kuroo watched over his shoulder. “So Kuroo… What have you been doing all this time?”

 

“Nothing much really, I have a boring life. You in uni then?”

 

“Haha, yeah. Studying Literature. Boring subject I don’t know why I even went for it. Didn’t you decide to go to university in the end then?”

 

“Oh I did, dropped out before my second year though.”

 

“Wasn’t your thing?”

 

“Nah, not really…”

 

“That’s a shame… I’m guessing you did chemistry or something. I remember Bokuto yelling about how clever you are in chemistry when you helped him with homework.”

 

“Hahah yeah I did, but man university is just… so much effort. Couldn’t go through with it.”

 

“I agree to be honest… So you have a job?”

 

Kuroo raised an eyebrow and laughed a little. “Bokuto put you up to this?”

 

“Indirectly, he asked Kenma and Kenma got curious too. But I’ve been caught.” Akaashi smiled and pulled out the DVD case he was looking for. “Will they ever find out?”

 

“They gotta work for that information.” Kuroo winked and stood up from the floor. “I’m going to the toilet.” Akaashi watched Kuroo disappear into the bathroom and then caught Kenma and Bokuto peeking around the corner. He shook his head at them and they both sighed in usion. Daichi looked at them all in confusion.

 

“...Is there some sort of secret mission I’m unaware of?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if there's any mistakes because I wrote this at like 3am and didn't bother to proof read it properly //slapped


	4. Down the (rabbit) hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are heavy descriptions of drug use in this chapter (and will be the same for upcoming chapters), so if that isn't your thing I suggest you avoid reading this =u=

Shaky hands, shaky legs. Shaky everything. Bokuto felt like a quivering chicken about to get butchered. “Kurooooo I don’t wanna go anymore…” He whined as Kuroo snickered in the corner of the room.

 

Daichi stood in the doorway shaking his head and said, “Bokuto you’ve been dreaming of this job for ages you really gonna back out now?”

 

“I have absolutely no idea how to even deal with kids, like what if they hate me?!” Bokuto said in distress, it was almost as if he was gonna pass out.

 

“You’re not even gonna be that much older than them! Besides, they’ll love you. You could probably even be a coach while you’re there… Bring that school’s volleyball club to the spotlight!” Kuroo encouraged and it seemed to work as Bokuto perked up.

 

“Oh shit yeeah! They did say I could do coaching for a club activity, I hope there’s volleyball enthusiasts there… Man I’ll make them the best team in Tokyo!” Bokuto shot up and legged it to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. Daichi looked towards the bathroom for a moment before walking over to Kuroo.

 

“Hey, thanks.” Daichi said.

 

Kuroo raised an eyebrow. “What for?”

 

“You know how to get Bokuto on his feet, he needed that.” Daichi laughed and scratched the back of his head. “Like I can be there for Bokuto but you’re the person he really needs and all, so thanks for hanging around him. He seems way happier lately.”

 

“Oh really,” Kuroo smiled and leaned back against the wall while observing the room for a moment before speaking again. “I’m glad to hear that…”

 

* * *

 

 “Why do you look like such a proud father right now?” The silver haired angel asked Daichi. Daichi looked towards Sugawara who was staring right at him.

 

Daichi laughed and said, “Bokuto actually went to work. He seems so… I dunno. Happy?”

 

“Isn’t Bokuto usually a happy guy?” Sugawara asked as he looked back towards the screen of his laptop.

 

“Hyper, crazy, loud… Yeah. But right now he’s happy happy. Like he seems so different now that Kuroo is around, I’m really happy for him. He’s usually always complaining how lonely he is because everyone’s at uni and stuff. It’s good he has company now you know?”

 

“Ahhh the two trouble makers have reunited, I almost forgot! So that means Kuroo’s been near by this whole time?” Sugawara said, turning his attention back at Daichi.

 

“Well yeah I guess…” Daich frowned slightly as he noticed Sugawara was giving a look.

 

“Strange how he didn’t talk to any of us all this time… Not even to Bokuto or Kenma. Don’t you think?” Daichi could see Sugawara was clinging onto something but he wasn’t too sure what his point was yet.

 

“Maybe the guy was busy, who knows… Well I did hear about him and Kenma not getting along too well but I don’t know if that’s related to why he just disappeared. Besides, didn’t most of our friends do exactly that? Just drifting I guess.”

 

Sugawara sighed and replied, “Of course, of course…” He stared at Daichi for a while in the silence before getting up and sitting down on the sofa next to him, pushing off all the textbooks in his lap onto the floor.

 

“H-hey! What are you-” Daichi’s questioning was cut short as Sugawara’s soft lips connected with his. Daichi’s eyes were wide with surprise before they closed slowly and moved into his kiss.

 

* * *

 

  _Brokuto: omg this job is fun wyd now bro?_

_Kurobro: nice! Im just chilling, so you asked about that coaching thing?_

_Brokuto: yeeeeah i get to coach the volleyball team im so hAPPY lkfslkjfljsdlfj omgomgomg be ye i finish at 3 so ill be back soon, u free today?_

_Kurobro: sorry bro i gotta do something today, youre gonna be ko when you finish tho lmao what days you not working?_

_Brokuto: basically just weekend, oh hey hey when do YOU work huuuh_

 

_Hah, definitely caught him now! There’s no way he’ll get out of this one._

 

_Kurobro: nighshift ;)_

 

_Oh what the fuck._

 

_Brokuto: BROOO SRSLY TELL ME I WANNA KNO_

_Brokuto: oh shit my break nearly over, TELL ME WHILE IM GONE AND ILL EVEN PAY U_

_Kurobro: looooooool_

 

Bokuto wanted to throw his phone out the window, this was one hell of a challenge and he doesn’t know why he wants to know so badly. Perhaps it was the sense of not knowing everything, of not wanting Kuroo to be such a mysterious thing when he’s known him almost his whole life. _Damn I hate being in the dark…_ Bokuto felt his mood begin to sink a little bit as the day went on, he felt so conflicted about Kuroo. He couldn’t be happier to be with him again but for some reason his instinct was giving him red alarms all over the situation. _Why do I have such a bad feeling…_ He found himself distracted by the clock most of the day and couldn't be more relieved that there was no more gym classes for the rest of the day and got to go home early. _Relieved? Why? I love these kind of jobs._ Bokuto felt like he just wasn’t having a good day and dragged himself back home, his head lost in thought.

 

_Kurobro: say... this sat my friend is having a house party_

_Kurobro: wanna come with?_

 

Bokuto felt his whole soul and being picked up and ascend to heaven, did Kuroo just invite him out?

 

_Brokuto: Yeah bro!!!_

_Kurobro: sick cant wait ;) you can bring the others if you want, place is gonna get gatecrashed like crazy anyway loool_

_Brokuto: arent you a good friend encouraging gatecrashing lmaooo_

_Kurobro: im totally not even invited LOL_

_Brokuto: U SAID HE WAS YOUR FRIEND LMAOO_

_Kurobro: ONE SIDED LOVE_

 

 _Typical Kuroo…_ Bokuto smiled at his phone and picked up the pace to get back home, excited to see Kuroo this weekend.

 

_Opened a new group chat with (3) other people!_

 

_Bokuto: guuUUYYSS whos free on sat?_

_Bokuto: or atleast doing nothin sunday morning_

_Akaashi: Why?_

_Bokuto: so ur free right?_

_Daichi: I am_

_Bokuto: GREAT SO U CAN COME WITH ME AND KUROO TO SOME HOUSE PARTY_

_Daichi: Oh wait what?_

_Akaashi: Daichi you should have seen that coming._

_Daichi: Damn_

_Bokuto: akaaaashishishish you aswell right? Kenma???_

_Kenma: Not free sorry_

_Akaashi: Me neither, have fun though._

_Daichi: You’re seriously throwing me under the bus?_

_Kenma: Akaashi is free._

_Akaashi: …_

_Daichi: Yeah, you’re free right?_

_Bokuto: YEAH HE IS YAAAY DREAM TEAM we just the best people in the group_

_Bokuto: kenma y u so mean_

_Kenma: I have volunteering lol_

_Bokuto: liiIEEES_

_Akaashi: Where exactly is this party?_

_Bokuto: dunno its kuroo’s friend u coming right?_

_Akaashi: We’ll see._

_Daichi: Can Suga come?_

_Bokuto: yeeeeah I miss suga <3 <3 !! _

 

_Bokuto added Suga to the chat!_

 

_Bokuto: scroll up pretty boy_

_Suga: Party? Yeees let’s go~_

_Bokuto: SEE EVEN MOTHER IS MORE OF A BADASS THAN U KENMA_

_Kenma: lol still not coming._

_Bokuto: :(_

 

* * *

 

 The rest of the week went slow, most likely because Bokuto hadn’t seen Kuroo at all during then. They spoke everyday on the phone though and that was good enough fo Bokuto, he never expected Kuroo to actually want to make an effort with him. _After ditching me for like 3 years._ Bokuto shook his head in an attempt to forget about that and just move forward, but he couldn’t help but be a little bit bitter. It was Saturday afternoon and he had spent the whole day with Akaashi in the city mall, looking for new clothes. “Hey, hey how does this look?” Bokuto asked as he dramatically slid open the changing room curtains.

 

“I feel like I’m shopping with a woman.” Akaashi deadpanned and Bokuto stuck his tongue out at him.

 

“Yeah or nah?”

 

Akaashi stared at Bokuto and ran his hand down his face and answered, “Everything looked good Bokuto, just pick one you have enough at home.”

 

“You’re so sweet Akaashi!” Bokuto giggled like a little girl and shut the curtain again. “Aren’t you getting something?”

 

“I have enough clothes, we literally shop every week.” Akaashi’s attention was drawn to Bokuto’s phone which he was holding, Kuroo was ringing. “Hey bedhead is ringing yo-”

 

“ANSWER QUICK!” Bokuto yelled through the curtains and Akaashi pulled a face, hoping no one was looking their way.

 

_“Hello Kuroo.”_

 

_“Hah, was just gonna ask what the fuck is wrong with your voice. Hey Akaashi, where’s Bo?”_

 

_“Being a girl, he keeps buying more clothes.”_

 

_“I feel for you. Some things don’t change.”_

 

Bokuto burst through the curtains with his shirt not even on the right way round and Akaashi just facepalmed. He snatched up the phone from Akaashi and looked like a little kid on Christmas. _“Kuroo bro!”_

 

_“Bo! What you doing I’m bored as hell.”_

 

 _“Nothing at all! Well in town right now but we’re heading back now,”_ Bokuto said and Akaashi shot him a glare as he spoke, knowing damn well they wouldn’t have been leaving anytime soon if it weren’t for Kuroo calling. He was rather thankful actually. _“You wanna come round before we go yeah?!”_

 

_“Yeah bro, of course if you don’t min-”_

 

_“Come! Yes definitely come!”_

 

_“Haha okay I’ll see you in a bit, see ya~”_

 

_Beep._

 

Akaashi stood up and said with a smile, “You’re not really subtle are you.”

 

“Huh? W’dyou mean?” Bokuto asked dumbly and Akaashi just shook his head.

 

* * *

 

 Bokuto’s walking pace may as well been a sprint, Akaashi just could not keep up with him he and had to jog half the way back after Bokuto. When they reached the flat Akaashi was 10 seconds away from dying and was greeted by a very concerned Daichi and Sugawara who hovered over him while Bokuto was already in the bathroom. “You okay there?” Daichi asked.

 

“I could…” Akaashi had to pause to catch his breath, “...be better to be honest.”

 

Sugawara giggled and gently pulled Akaashi by the arm, “I made some food, come eat you’ll feel better.”

 

“Food?! What’s there to eat?” Bokuto called from the bathroom and Sugawara laughed at how Bokuto managed to even hear that.

 

“Just fried rice, nothing fancy.” Sugawara replied.

 

“Correction, THE best fried rice!” Daichi chipped in as he frowned at Sugawara’s downplaying. Sugawara just laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

 

“Oh Akaashi I forgot to ask, are you coming tonight?” Sugawara asked while staring intently at him. Akaashi noticed Daichi was doing the same face and suddenly felt very small under their glares.

 

“I- well yeah. Sure.” Akaashi felt defeated as the other two did a little cheer. A knocking at the door drew their attention and Sugawara pushed Akaashi towards the kitchen, motioning him to go eat while he opened the door. It was none other than Kuroo Tetsurou.

 

“Kuroo! Nice to see you, we didn’t get to say hi properly last time.” Sugawara greeting while pulling Kuroo inside the flat.

 

“Oh wow haven’t seen you since… Wait we’ve met recently?” Kuroo squinted as he rummaged through his memories.

 

“Oh whoops you were pretty drunk!”

 

“Shit, my bad! Nice to see you again!” Kuroo pulled Sugawara into a crushing hug and Daichi shot a worried look, thinking he might break a few bones.

 

“Okay, okay don’t kill him please I need a cook in my life.” Daichi wearly said and Kuroo dropped Sugawara.

 

Sugawara did a fake hurt expression and put his hand to his chest. “That’s all you need me for? I’m hurt, you’re so cruel Daichi…”

 

Kuroo laughed at Daichi taking it quite literally and walked past the two, waving at Akaashi who had his mouth full of rice and walked on towards Bokuto’s room. “Where’s the owl at?”

 

Bokuto almost broke down the bathroom door as he violently swung it open in excitement to see Kuroo. The excitement in his bright golden eyes never fail to bring a grin to Kuroo’s face, giving him the feeling that someone actually does want him around after all.

 

* * *

 

 The hazy air was filled with the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and weed. Typical smell of any party. Various conversations were dotted around the main room and a few couples getting it on, Bokuto watched in amusement. Daichi looked around the place and he suddenly clicked. “I swear loads of these people go to uni?”

 

“Yeah I recognise a few people too.” Akaashi nodded and Kuroo had already walked on ahead, holding Bokuto by the wrist so he didn’t lose him. The other followed them into another room where it was just as lively as the other. “Pretty big house, whose party is this again?”

 

“Kuroo you asshole!” A voice yelled over the multiple voices and music and the group looked over at him. A pretty standard looking guy a average height and had a very mean face. “Who said you could come?!”

 

Kuroo laughed in his face and hooked his arm around his neck, pulling him in close. “You love me don’t hide it. Have you seen Daishou?”

 

The shorter man just gave him a malice glare and then sighed in defeat. “In that corner somewhere, hey since you just got here and you’re pretty sober wanna come with to get more drinks?”

 

“Whaat but I JUST got here-”

 

“You’re not even meant to be here, come on don’t complain.” Kuroo was dragged back through the crowd and he gave a quick wave to Bokuto.

 

“I’ll be back soon!” Kuroo called before he disappeared and Bokuto watched on with his mouth hanging open. Before he could get a word out he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.

 

“You’re… Kuroo’s friends right?” The sly faced man asked and  the group nodded. “Nice! I’m Daishou, what’s your names?”

 

“I’m Daichi, that’s Suga,” Sugawara waved and gave a gentle smiled. “Akaashi over there, and that’s Bokuto.” Daichi introduced the group and Daishou gave a bright smile.

 

“Nice to meet you all, I’ll go get you guys some drinks, you can go sit over here with those guys. They won’t bite.” Daishou motioned over to two men looking over and they waved. He winked and hurried off towards the table of drinks and the group looked at each other before making their way over.

 

“Yo, welcome to this stuffy as fuck _‘gathering’_.” One of the men spoke and reached out to shake their hands. “I’m Kazuma, that’s Kugari.” The other man did a little wave at them, his face remaining rather expressionless. It wasn't long before Daishou returned with a few bottles of alcohol, plus another person carrying a stack of cups.

 

“Hey, I’m Hiroo.” The new arrival said as he set down the cups and drinks.

 

“Help yourselves to whatever you fancy, man Kuroo didn’t mention how hot his friends are.” Daishou snickered and Bokuto did a nervous laugh.

 

“Host and Kuroo don’t get along I’m guessing?” Daichi asked as he passed cups to Akaashi and Sugawara.

 

“Host loves Kuroo, he just doesn’t want him nearly dying on his couch again,” Daishou began to crack up and Hiroo sighed.

 

“Don’t blame him, it wasn’t pretty.” Hiroo mumbled.

 

“Wait you’re being serious?” Bokuto asked, he noticed from the corner of his eye Akaashi was talking to someone he knows from university while Sugawara and Daichi was listening intently.

 

“Eh Kuroo is just an idiot, no biggie~” Daishou hummed and lit a cigarette. Bokuto, Daichi and Sugawara shared a look and sat in their own personal silence for a moment while everyone else talked over them. Akaashi turned back around and noticed the awkwardness.

 

“Oh hey this is my friend from Uni, we both seriously regret our decision.” Akaashi introduced his friend and got the conversation going again, but Bokuto felt himself drift away from them. Not physically of course, but the feeling was strong and it may as well been like he literally just floated away. It had been a while after Kuroo disappeared or maybe it just felt like a long time because Bokuto was anxiously waiting. Either way, he was already uncomfortable.

 

“Hey owl hair,” Daishou nudged Bokuto and dragged him back down to earth. “You good? You haven’t drank anything yet.”

 

“Oh I’m cool, yeah I’ll drink in a sec… I’m just-”

 

“Waiting for your boyfriend?” Daishou cut in and received a stunned look off Bokuto. “Hahaha don’t worry he’ll be here soon! Drink with us, we’ll play a game… How’s ring of fire?”

 

* * *

 

 “Never have I ever…” Daishou looked around the half eager half anxious group as he had to come up with something that he knows will get most of them drinking. “Had dick in my mouth.”

 

Hesitation fell over the circle before one by one, almost every player took a sip out their cup, Kazuma laughed into his cup. “Why am I not even surprised.”

 

“Bunch of sluts.” One voice snickered.

 

“Owl! Your turn!” Called a voice in the circle, Bokuto pulled out a card from the circle, it was Ace.

 

“Ooo waterfall, why am I so terrified that you’re the starter?” Asked Sugawara and the circle put their cups to their mouths.

 

“You’re all gonna die, I’m the champion at this.” Bokuto grinned before downing his drink, everyone else following behind. He made sure to long it out enough so that everyone could empty their cups and noticed a lot of pained side glances from the ones who couldn’t down anymore. He eventually dropped his now empty cup back onto the table and does a bright grin at the rest of the circle, who look like they’re clearly struggling.

 

“You… Are my new best friend.” Daishou whacked Bokuto on the back as he almost gagged from the drinking too much too quick.

 

“You assholes playing without me?” A familiar deep voice sounded next to Bokuto, he spun round faster than what his eyes could keep up with and was greeted by a very blurred and doubled Kuroo.

 

“Kuroo! You’re finally here what took you so fucking long?!” Bokuto basically yelled in his face and Kuroo grinned.

 

“Had to get a few stuff on the way, finish you game I’m just gonna go to the toilet…Gonna wet myself.” Kuroo said and began to walk off. Daishou began to stand up as well.

 

“Oi wait me first, I’m actually gonna throw up.” Daishou almost fell over on his first attempt to get up and dashed through the crowd of people after Kuroo.

 

Akaashi looked over and sighed, “Oh damn I really needed to go too… There’s more than one toilet right?”

 

“Yeah upstairs, although that’s the one they probably ran off to.” The host said, “But between you and me, that’s the better one so if you need to go you better off waiting for it now.” He patted Akaashi on the shoulder before walking off and Daichi laughed.

 

“Well guess that’s my queue, this game’s nearly over righ-” Akaashi was interrupted by the sound of someone shouting in defeat as they picked up the last king.

 

“Answers your question!” Laughed Daichi and Akaashi got up off the table. He looked over at Bokuto who looked happy enough talking to Daichi and Sugawara and left him to it. It was awkward getting through the drunken people stumbling left, right and centre, not helping that he was getting a bit of a buzz already. He looked up towards the stairs and only saw a few people loitering around up there and made his way to the bathroom and waiting for Kuroo and Daishou to finish in there. He observed the many drunk people and found it amusing to watch, thinking that Kenma would have liked to be insulting everyone about being stupid for drinking so much. He smiled to himself until the opening of the door snapped him from his thoughts, Daishou came stumbling out and patted Akaashi on the chest.

 

“Hey!” He yelled in his face before jogging down the stairs, Akaashi shook his head slightly and was just about walk into the bathroom until he walked into Kuroo. His hand was up to his _powdery_ nostrils and Akaashi did nothing but stare dumbly at him.

 

“Kuroo… What the hell.” Akaashi could feel his cool escaping from him as Kuroo just looked at him as if he’s done nothing wrong. He snapped and pushed Kuroo back into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind them.

 

“What the fu- what’s up?” Kuroo asked, pretty surprised at this new side to Akaashi.

 

“What’s up? What the hell are you doing?!” Akaashi almost yelled, knowing that no one would even hear him downstairs even if he didn’t hold it back. Kuroo realised what Akaashi was staring at and just pulled a seriously annoyed look and sighed dramatically, continuing to wipe his nose and sniffle up the excess powder clinging to his nostril.

 

“Why are you even bothered? It’s nothing.” Kuroo said bluntly, which only made Akaashi more angry.

 

“I get it… You’re all weird and jittery all day and fucking always go to the bathroom. To do this? It’s not even just a party thing is it?” Akaashi was about to leave a space for Kuroo to somehow redeem himself, to say it’s just sugar or something stupid, but he knew damn well it wasn’t a joke. “I care about you and you’re gonna kill yourself like that, probably end up on a seriously fucked up path. But I care about Bokuto more I’m not gonna lie. He thinks so damn highly of you and you’re just-”

 

“Fucking hell quit lecturing me. And you really think I’m gonna say ‘hey let's do some fucking coke’?” Kuroo broke out into a kind of scary laugh before half regaining his posture, “What kind of person do you think I am? And Bokuto isn’t a fucking kid, you think he’s just gonna copy whatever he sees? Man he’d be insulted to know you think of him that low.” His eyes were wide, his whole body was trembling and Akaashi could see the sweat trickle down the sides of Kuroo’s clammy face. He couldn’t tell if he was actually angry or this is just the look of a typical coke head.

 

Akaashi kissed his teeth and turned towards the door. “I thought better of you Kuroo, I’m just disappointed now.” He said, not turning to look at Kuroo’s face.

 

“Like I care about your approval.” Kuroo laughed, but not his kind laugh. Akaashi felt like he was talking to an entirely different person and bite his bottom lip to keep himself from saying another word. He yanked the door open and hurried down the stairs, scanning the room for Bokuto, Daichi and Sugawara. He spotted them at the table talking to some other people.

 

“Bokuto.” Akaashi said as he roughly shook Bokuto’s shoulder, who looked up at him confused. “We should go.”

 

“Huuuuh? But- what’s wrong you okay?” Bokuto’s expression changed from happiness to worry for his friend, noticing the clear anger in Akaashi’s face. Daichi and Sugawara looked at the two and also sensed something going down.

 

“I’m fine, let’s go. Seriously.” Akaashi said and began to walk away and got close to the door before being stopped by Bokuto’s strong grip on his arm.

 

“No wait seriously what’s up? Come talk to me-”

 

“Bokuto I’m fucking leaving okay, are you coming or not?” Akaashi shouted at Bokuto and a few bystanders looked over briefly. Bokuto could do nothing but stare at him, kind of hurt that he’d even shout at him. Akaashi realised his mistake and sighed, quickly attempting to calm himself down. “Bo… I’m sorry. I’m leaving though. You should too but I’m not going to tell you what to do.”

 

“Akaashi why, what’s up? Please tell me? I thought you were having a good night?” Bokuto questioned while putting up his kicked puppy face on, Akaashi couldn’t stand that face. It just made him feel all the more guilty. Akaashi opened his mouth to say something before he spotted Kuroo glaring at them as he got to the bottom of the stairs.

 

“Ask Kuroo. I’ll text you when I get back… Have a nice night okay? Don’t worry.” Akaashi said and quickly left through the door before Bokuto could protest any more. He looked on towards the door in total confusion and dread at the same time. _Kuroo, what did Kuroo do?_ Bokuto turned around and was almost nose to nose to Kuroo, who had a pretty blank expression on his face.

 

“Kuroo… What happened?!” Bokuto found himself sounding a bit pissed off, did Kuroo upset Akaashi? Why would he? But at the same time, his expression signalled hope that Kuroo did nothing wrong and this was a big misunderstanding.

 

“Sorry, think I went a bit too far.” Kuroo mumbled while biting the side of his nail. “Could you apologise for me? Doubt he’d wanna talk to me.” Kuroo half laughed, but it died out quickly. Bokuto tried to search Kuroo’s face for an answer but didn’t get far.

 

“Don’t… Don’t sweat it! I’m sure he misunderstood whatever… Yeah?” Bokuto asked and Kuroo nodded a bit. “Let’s go back to Daichi and Suga… They’re literally the cutest love birds!”

 

“Hah yeah I saw, true goals right there.” Kuroo said and pulled Bokuto by the hand towards the room but then his path was obstructed by some guy Bokuto didn’t recognise. “Oya what do you want?” Kuroo asked and the man just dived on Kuroo’s face and kissed him intensely. Bokuto’s face resembled a terrified owl at this point as he watched what unfolding in front of him. What was this feeling? Jealously? _What the hell, why would I be jealous?!_ A flashback of his and Kuroo’s moment in the bar’s toilet washed over his mind and he suddenly felt irritated. Bokuto looked up from the floor as he felt a gaze fall upon him, Kuroo was staring right at him and the other guy lusted over his face. “Feeling left out?” Kuroo asked, and Bokuto felt his face turn a shade a pink as he was lost for words. Before his thought process could get back on track, Kuroo pulled Bokuto’s head into a three way kiss.

 

* * *

 

 “Sooo like how long y’two been together?” Daishou asked, his voice slurred and sloppy from the clear drunkenness.

 

Sugawara laughed and said, “Since our second year of high school… We tried to keep it low key but shit just got too obvious after a while!”

 

“Sugaaa you’re so pretty… Can we kiss?” Daichi slurred and Sugawara pulled his face up for a kiss.

 

“Oi, oi your other friend left though…” Daishou interrupted and that gained the two love bird’s attention and looked at him confused. “Y’know… the really pretty one?”

 

“Akaashi? Oh wait he went off with Bokuto a while ago I thought they were still together?” Sugawara said.

 

“Yeah nah he was pretty pissed off,” Daishou laughed. “I mean I listened in on him and Kuroo talking- or like arguing upstairs and I dunno but it weren’t civil.”

 

Daichi straightened up and leaned in to talk, “What? Are they okay? I didn’t know Akaashi could even argue with anyone huh…”

 

“T’was something about finding out Kuroo is a huuuge coke head and he’s kinda pissed someone like that is hanging around Boku...to…” Daishou’s voice faded out as he noticed both Sugawara and Daichi stare at him wide eyed and hanging jaws. “Uhh.. What?”

 

“Coke head? As in cocaine?” Sugawara asked slowly.

 

“Well yeah! Don’t tell me you’re Kuroo’s friend and don’t know he’s a fucking coke head!” Daishou began laughing again. “The guy practically eats coke for breakfast!”

 

Daichi felt his hand make it’s way to the bridge of his nose as he took in this information, it was no shit Akaashi was mad. “Well… his life I guess?” Sugawara almost whispered.

 

“Yeah... and what if he gets Bokuto into that shit?” Daichi mumbled and Sugawara just sighed.

 

* * *

 

 Bokuto found himself deep into the lust zone as he made out with this stranger, Kuroo occasionally popping into the picture. He had no idea what he was doing he was just so drunk. A loud snorting sound drew his attention away from the kissing and looked over to Kuroo who was yet again doing drugs. He wanted to say something but his face was pulled back to the other man’s face and they continued making out. “Hey, hey don’t abuse the goods too much, he’s mine.” Kuroo mumbled as he sat lining up more power. “You tw- Riku you want any?”

 

The man pulled away from Bokuto and looked over at Kuroo, panic spreading across his face. “Fuck, don’t do it all!” He yelled and side stepped around Bokuto. “Hey what about you? Forgot your name.”

 

“ ‘t’s Bokuto… no I’m good…” Bokuto realised how totally unbalanced he really is without someone holding onto him and quickly shuffled over to a chair. He frowned at the two doing cocaine and felt very uncomfortable being there, even though he wanted nothing more than to be with Kuroo.

 

Riku began giggling and throw a sock or something of the sort at Bokuto, “You’re such a bore! Come on don’t be fucking stuck up.”

 

“Leave him alone.” Kuroo instructed, his voice stern and deep. Riku fell silent afraid to say anymore. The silence hung awkwardly over the three with only the dull sound of music from downstairs aiding it before Riku perked up again. “Hey wanna speedball?”

 

“With what?” Kuroo asked, looking over at Bokuto to see if he’s alright.

 

“How much coke you got left? I got a fair bit of smack. Was gonna use it tomorrow but was thinking why the fuck not ey?” Riku waved the small transparent bag of white power in Kuroo face and Kuroo watched it, looking like he deep in thought before nodding.

 

“Sure why not. This is your way for paying me back for the coke.” Kuroo laughed and got another little bag of powder of of his pocket, presumably cocaine. Bokuto had no idea what they were talking about but the heavy feeling of discomfort and anxiety began to build up in his chest.

 

“I’ve got a syringe... Just one though so you better not have fucking AIDs or something-” Riku was interrupted by Bokuto standing up suddenly and let out a sound of some shocked animal. Kuroo and Riku stared blankly at the very distressed Bokuto.

 

Bokuto couldn’t even see and didn’t even know if he could speak, but everything came spilling out anyway, “What the fuck?! Syringe? What?! Guys seriously what-”

 

“Bokuto relax, don’t worry!” Kuroo got up to comfort Bokuto but Bokuto just pulled away from him.

 

“Kuroo! Bro… seriously what are you doing?” Bokuto began inching towards the door and Riku motioned with his eyes to Kuroo to make sure he didn’t open it.

 

“Just- sit. Don’t worry-”

 

“What the fuck Kuroo, I am gonna worry! And why the hell was Akaashi so mad?! What did you even do?” Bokuto’s stress was through the roof at this point and Kuroo didn’t know what else to do.

 

“You wanna know why Akaashi stormed out? It’s because he thinks your a fucking kid who can’t think for yourself. Y’know he was pretty much saying I can’t hang out with you because… Of this! Thinks you’d copy anything you’d see. I don’t want it to get between us bro but…” Kuroo looked at Bokuto widening his eyes as if he’d just been stabbed in the back.

 

“He… Thinks I’m childish… What the hell.” Bokuto began looking towards the floor, in denial that Akaashi has that little trust in him.

 

“Whether or not you wanna do shit with me is your choice bro. I ain’t gonna force it. But I’m not gonna stop.” Kuroo said, and Bokuto felt himself wince at the part where he said he isn’t going to stop. “It’s not even a problem I just like it bro! You gotta understand that… It’s not your cup of tea but I love this shit.”

 

The anger, the betrayal, everything all together just felt like blowing up in Bokuto’s chest. Why was he even bothered that Akaashi thinks he’s a dumb kid who can’t be friends with someone because he’d apparently copy them? _God that’s fucking everything to be mad about. I about I prove you right Akaashi… I’ll do just that. That’d make you damn proud right?_ “Can I… Try a line?” Bokuto asked slowly, and Kuroo just looked at him with shock written all over his face. “It’d be my choice. I’m gonna prove that asshole right. Fucking watch me follow you. I want to stay your friend-”

 

“You don’t have to do anything to stay my friend-”

 

“Fuck I know! But fuck Akaashi! Please?” Bokuto’s eyes were pleading and Kuroo sighed and turned around. _Why do you love it so much?_ Riku looked like he was totally unaware of what was going on as he was busy sorting out the so called ‘speedball’, _whatever the hell that is_ Bokuto thought. He watched Kuroo line him up a strip of white powder, looking a lot smaller than the ones he usually takes. Why do you _love it so much it was probably the thing that cost us years apart…?_

 

“Start small, build on it if you need later.” Kuroo mumbled and passed Bokuto a tightly rolled paper note. Bokuto hovered over the line for a moment and thought maybe it was a bad idea. Nevertheless, he pushed through his doubts and snorted the line, feeling the burn the the back of his nostrils and throat. Riku did a slow clap next to them.

 

“You first Kuroo, wanna see if it’s too much or not.” Riku said very nonchalantly and Bokuto’s face was crossed with panic briefly.

 

“Fucking ass hole,” Kuroo said. “If I die I’ll pull the conjuring bullshit on you.”

 

Bokuto was still dazed from the fact he just did something he vowed against all his life, something he looked down upon, all because his impulsiveness got the better of him. He watched Kuroo tie a belt around the top of his arm and position the needle at his inner elbow. Bokuto decided he couldn't bare to watch it and turned away from the scene, guilt and shame weighing down his heart.

 

* * *

 

 “Bokuto… Seriously it’s time to go home.” Daichi said worryingly, attempting to get Bokuto’s attention. Bokuto couldn't stop his knees from shaking, he felt on high alert yet he couldn’t focus on the two worried faces looking at him.

 

“What’s wrong with him, is he okay?” Asked a softer voice, Sugawara. Bokuto couldn’t understand this feeling, he was nervous, anxious, scared, hyped, excited all at the same time. He didn’t want to sit down, he couldn’t stay still at all.

 

“I’m fine! Really! We’re not going yet okay? It’s still eeeearly.” Bokuto said a little too quickly, Daichi gave a seriously disapproving glare and looked at Sugawara for help, but the latter didn’t know what to do either. Daichi felt himself getting angry as he realised what’s wrong.

 

“Where the fuck is Kuroo? Did you do shit with him?” Daichi hissed and Bokuto’s panic shot through every other feeling he was going through right now. _Daichi knows? Oh god he’ll tell Akaashi- no it’s fine just deny everything. Oh god what if I get arrested._

 

“W-what shit? What you on about I didn’t do anything!” Bokuto stumbled over his words, feeling even his voice was shaking as well.

 

“Shut the fuck up, look at your eyes! You’re not even sitting still what the fuck is up with that. Where is Kuroo?” Daichi was shaking Bokuto to get him to answer, he was probably planning on punching Kuroo in the face and Bokuto could do nothing but bear that god awful feeling in his chest and stomach.

 

“He- It’s not his fault! Please don’t get mad I wanted-” Bokuto’s rambling was stopped by Sugawara’s hand on his mouth and Daichi looked towards the stairs.

 

“He’s up there right?” Daichi asked, and read the scared expression on Bokuto’s face to get his answer. He began jogging up the stairs and Sugawara and Bokuto went after him.

 

“Daichi! Seriously let’s just go, it’s not worth it…” Sugawara attempted to sway Daichi’s choice to go mad at Kuroo, but it was futile. He swung the doors open of every room until he reached the room on the end and Bokuto let out a little squeak. Daichi spotted Kuroo sat on the floor against the bed with his head between his knees with Riku who was mumbling something to another guy. He looked completely fucked. Daichi ignored the other two people and stomped over to Kuroo and yanked his head up, very ready to start shouting at him but he realised his eyes were miles away.

 

“Kuroo! Snap out of it, we need to talk.” Daichi slapped Kuroo in the face and only received a groan as a response. Bokuto nervously hovered over them and Sugawara kneeled next to Kuroo and Daichi. “Oi! What’s up with you?” Daichi shook Kuroo roughly.

 

“Whu…” Kuroo attempted to look at Daichi properly but he couldn’t see straight to save his life. “Who’s that…” He slurred and laughed a little bit before his face died out into the lost look again. “I’ll ge’up soon, give me a min.”

 

Daichi sighed and looked at Bokuto, whose eyes were still wide as ever and the trembling could be seen from a mile away. “We’re leaving. Bokuto, Suga let’s go.” Daichi announced and didn’t allow Bokuto to protest and just dragged him out the room.

 

“Uh wait is he okay though?” Sugawara asked anxiously as he looked back at Kuroo and Daichi halted to a stop before walking any further.

 

“Daichi I’m not leaving!” Bokuto whined, almost like a child and struggled against his grip. “It was my idea not Kuroo’s-”

 

“Exactly why we’re leaving! You would have never done anything that fucking dumb if we weren’t here!” Daichi’s voice was mixed with anger, disappointment and hurt all at the same time.

 

Bokuto didn’t get why everyone was getting so mad about it, sure drugs are bad but in this environment it was as normal as drinking alcohol. “It’s a pretty normal thing though… Like everyone-”

 

“Don’t you dare Bokuto. Don’t you dare say everyone does it so you have to do it too. That shit ruins lives!” Daichi was really angry now, and not even Sugawara could say anything to calm him down.

 

“Give ‘im a break… He’s tried it now so leave it at that…” Kuroo mumbled from behind them, they turned around in surprise to look at him. His eyes still weren’t looking straight, it was like they were shaking. But at least he was stood up now. “Was totally a one off.”

 

Daichi wanted to punch Kuroo so hard, feeling nothing but betrayal from him. How could he encourage Bokuto to get into the same mess as he’s in? “Kuroo… Shut your damn mouth.”

 

“No he’s right! I’m never doing it again I just tried it!” Bokuto jumped in between Daichi and Kuroo and waved his hands about. _This is my fault, why did I do it… Kuroo I’m sorry._

 

“Don’t care anyway, I gotta go.” Kuroo pushed past Bokuto and banged his shoulder against Daichi’s, slowly turning his head to look down on the shorter man next to him. Daichi shot nothing but knives at him, and Kuroo’s expression looked rather malice. Daichi felt a crushing weight fall on him the longer Kuroo stared at him. “So I’ll ask you nicely to get the fuck out of my way.” There wasn’t anger in his voice, it sounded more taunting and provocative as if he wanted a reaction out of Daichi. Before Daichi could blow up in his face Sugawara grabbed his and Bokuto’s arms.

 

“It’s fine, we’re leaving. I’m sorry the night had to end like this Kuroo…” Sugawara tried to remain calm, but his voice trembled a bit. The three left the house in silent, that silence following them all the way home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too happy with my writing style to be honest, I find myself finding it really difficult to move the story forward without missing out something. So I'm super sorry if this is dragging and getting boring ; n;


	5. Torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: rape/non con in this chapter, if this is triggering please do not read.

It was almost suffocating, the thick blanket of dread that hung over Bokuto for the next week. Daichi hadn’t been very talkative with him since that house party, and it was clear the word got around to Akaashi since he hadn’t made any move to contact Bokuto. It was lonely. Bokuto was afraid of nothing, until it came to facing everything on his own. He hadn’t heard from Kuroo either, which was no surprise but it still hurt. Bokuto’s chest ached with fear and anxiety as he realised at this moment, he had literally no one. Because of one _very_ stupid mistake. As he walked through the door to his flat after a tiring day at work, the atmosphere was the same as always. Daichi was sit on the sofa with his laptop and was typing away, the usual. The different thing was he didn’t look up to say hi or even acknowledge Bokuto’s presence and Bokuto had just about enough. “Are you serious right now?” Bokuto said, attempting to sound angry, but all that came out was a hurt, small voice.

 

“Huh?” Daichi looked up at Bokuto and raised his eyebrows, waiting for him to carry on talking.

 

Bokuto didn’t actually know what to say, so he just left his mouth running with anything that came to mind. “You’ve been weird with me all week. And I know why and I’m sorry. But seriously, why are you even so fucking mad at me! I did nothing to you…”  

 

“You think? Honestly I’m not mad, I’ve just been really busy-”

 

“Don’t lie to me. Why are you so mad at me? Me and Kuroo haven’t even spoke since then either, is that what you wanna hear?” Bokuto stared at Daichi wide eyed, almost about to cry even. And Daichi finally realised how hurt Bokuto really was.

 

“Bokuto… I know you did nothing and no one said you can’t talk to Kuroo…” Daichi pulled a weird face as Kuroo’s name left his mouth before he continued, “I didn’t realise. I guess yeah I am pissed off you did something so fucking dumb but that was the end of it right?”

 

“I promise, that was just a stupid move I don’t even know… Why… I was being fucking stupid okay.”

 

“Don’t beat yourself up, I apologise for cutting you out I honestly didn’t realise… Let me tell you though, do not get like Kuroo no matter what. He’s surrounded by people who think the mess he’s in is hilarious and won’t help him. He’s far too lost down that path of shit, but you have people who care. And we will not accept losing you to something as pathetic as that. So please, think before you try something like that again, got it?” Daichi said calmly, his voice resembling a lecturing dad kind of. “And also… Talk to Akaashi.” He added.

 

“Thanks Dadchi, but you’re basically saying Kuroo needs someone right… I promise I won’t be anything like he is just please, don’t get mad at me for wanting to stay with him. I can help I swear... And Akaashi won’t answer his phone.” Bokuto mumbled, looking down to the floor.

 

Daichi looked at Bokuto in the eyes and hummed at his comment, nodding slightly in agreement. “Turn up at his flat, I’m sure Kenma will let you in. I think he’s just waiting for you to really try right now, he can’t stay mad forever.” Daichi said. “Don’t get your hopes up about Kuroo though, you’ll just be disappointed in the end. He needs to want to help himself.”

 

Bokuto lifted his head to look up at Daichi and sighed, “Yeah guess you’re right… Hey we cool now though right?”

 

“Well I thought we were cool all along-”

 

“So we can hug now?!” Bokuto exclaimed, and before Daichi could even react Bokuto had already jumped on top of him, knuckling the top of his head.

 

“Shi- Bokuto! Get the hell off! My laptop is gonna break…”

 

* * *

 

 Bokuto hovered awkwardly around the sofa in Akaashi’s and Kenma’s flat, too scared to make himself comfortable. Kenma mentioned Akaashi would be back in half an hour, not enough time for Bokuto to prepare his speech and write his will at the same time. Kenma tried talking to Bokuto to get his mind off it but there were too many nerves in the way for Bokuto to be able to hold a conversation, Kenma understood and left him alone to go play on his games. Bokuto’s golden eyes drew to the clock like a magnet every now and then, pretty terrified at Akaashi’s arrival. _Fixing things with Daichi, wasn’t bad… Akaashi shouldn’t be too bad either right? Fuck he’ll be terrible I don’t know what to do… Oh god and I gotta fix shit with Kuroo after this._ He somehow ended up hugging a pillow, crushing it to relax himself but it wasn’t working and his heart felt like it literally fell out of his ass when he heard the door open. Akaashi strolled in around the corner and was mid way with taking off his jacket before he froze at the sight of Bokuto. Bokuto just laughed nervously. “Uh… Hi Akaashi!” Bokuto’s voice shook.

 

“What are you doing here?” Asked Akaashi in a very blunt tone, Bokuto could already see this conversation going downhill.

 

“I wanted to… Say sorry.”

 

Akaashi turned away from Bokuto to hang up his jacket and set down his bag. “For what?”

 

“You know… Like uh… Fuck.” Bokuto’s words slowly morphed into a mumble as he really didn't know what he was apologising for.

 

“There’s nothing to apologise for.” Akaashi said.

 

“Then why the hell are you so mad at me?” Bokuto felt like he was talking to Daichi again, he wondered if every conversation to fix friendships will be like this.

 

“Because I’m just disappointed Bokuto. If you want to mess your life up I don’t want to be around to watch-”

 

“I. Tried. It. Once! Just once! That won't ruin anything, why would you even think I’m like that?!”

 

“You’re clearly clinging onto Kuroo right now, and I don’t trust him.”

 

“But you trust me, right? Sure I did it that one time to piss you off or something fucking stupid hell I dunno, but I’m not gonna be doing it at like every party like he does!”

 

“Bokuto, it’s not every party he’s like that. He has a problem. It’s seriously not good for anyone if you hang around someone like that.”

 

“It’s just Kuroo! So what he does some questionable shit but whatever man! I still like him, and me sticking around him won’t turn me into him! Akaashi please, I don’t want you to hate me forever… Over something this shitty.” Bokuto felt like dropping to his knees and begging, why was he being so difficult?

 

Akaashi walked close to Bokuto and looked at him properly, unlike how he avoided eye contact for the past 5 minutes. “I trust you. I know you’re not Kuroo. But I don’t want to see you throw everything away for _him_.”

 

“What do you mean?” Does Akaashi really hate Kuroo that much? Bokuto couldn’t get his head around why he was so bothered.

 

“I’ve seen people put everything down to help someone like Kuroo,” Akaashi said, and his eyes drifted briefly towards Kenma’s room and it started to hit Bokuto, “but it’s like saving someone who’s drowning. They’ll pull you under with them. Get it?”

 

Bokuto began to understand Akaashi’s point, but he wouldn’t give up this easy. “I totally get it. But trust me not to drown, okay? I got this. I promise.”

 

Akaashi looked up at Bokuto with a face Bokuto couldn’t read, but it was along the lines of pleading. His face eventually softened and Akaashi put his hand on Bokuto’s arm. “Okay. Let’s forget about it. I swear if you do something that fucking dumb again I’ll kill you myself.” Bokuto just grinned, happy to have Akaashi on his good side again at the very least. Suddenly Bokuto realised Kenma was still around and wondered if this conversation was nothing new to him. He must have experienced Kuroo ‘drowning’ him, and Bokuto shivered at the thought.

 

* * *

*

 Kuroo was just about done with listening to Daishou’s music blaring all day and felt the four walls he’d been staring at begin to close in on him. He turned his head to face the window and noticed the light was warming up into hues of orange and pinks quickly, soon to be nothing but darkness. The familiar waves of a down mood began to drown Kuroo, the irritability and the irresistible need for something. That something Kuroo know’s damn well what it is, his escape plan, his pass into wonderland, to be something remotely close happy. To disappear from reality for a little while. That’s all Kuroo wants, but he finds himself getting more and more desperate to keep himself in this so called wonderland. Before he realised, he was already digging through all his pockets and bags, every drawer in the small flat and even though Daishou’s belongings. “Kuroo get out of my room.” Said Daishou, clearly annoyed that Kuroo is turning his room upside down.

 

“Any coke?” Kuroo asked, still not pausing in his search.

 

“Like fuck I do, I only had enough for me.” Daishou said as he walked back into the lounge.

 

“The fuck man, don’t lie to me.” Kuroo huffed out in frustration as Daishou ignored him and grabbed his phone out of his pocket.

 

_You have (8) missed calls: Brokuto_

 

He hovered his thumb over the notification before unlocking his phone and scrolled through his contacts and stopped on ‘Matsuo’, hesitating for a tiny moment before hitting the call button. The line did enough rings to make Kuroo begin to sweat out of nervousness that he wasn’t going to pick up.

 

_“Tetsu~ What’s up pretty?”_

 

Kuroo held back a groan at that nickname, he didn’t really like it at all. _“Matsuo yo uhh reckon you could sort me out? Like any time around now?”_

 

_“Impatient aren’t we, why do I get the feeling you want it on credit?”_

 

A quick pat down of his pockets and a glance at his wallet confirmed it, Kuroo felt like dying right there and then.

 

_“I swear I’ll get the money to you asap?”_

 

_“I give you so many chances Tetsu… You can do something for me and you won’t have to worry about the cash.”_

 

Kuroo fell silent as he got a feeling he knew what Matsuo wanted. He cleared his throat nervously before speaking.

 

_“Oh yeah?”_  Kuroo felt his hands begin to tremble uncontrollably and the sweat on his face drench him as his desperation was getting near unbearable.

 

_“Haven’t guessed yet? Oh it’s nothing too hard, just something you’re really good at anyway~”_

 

Kuroo felt his stomach knot up, he expected Matsuo would ask for something but in the back of his mind he prayed he wouldn’t. _This is gonna take too long, I’m gonna get killed if I’m late._

 

_“I’ll come to yours.”_

 

_“Ah yay what a go-”_

 

_Beep._

 

“Fuck you.” Kuroo muttered as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket and hurried around looking for shoes. Daishou didn’t pay much notice to him as Kuroo rushed out the door and speed walked for about 12 minutes before reaching another apartment complex, he wasted no time in using up all his energy to run up the many flights of stairs until he reached the 4th floor. _This better be fucking quick._ Before Kuroo could knock at his destinations door, he heard a lot of shouting and swearing from the door on the left and chuckled a bit. The door in front of Kuroo swung open to reveal a man with short wavy hair and slightly taller than Kuroo, his build medium.

 

“These mother fuckers- Oh shit Tetsu, you were in a hurry.” Matsuo laughed loudly and Kuroo winced at the loud, annoying sound. “Get in here.” He said sternly, his usual annoying and fake happy voice disappearing and yanked Kuroo through the door by the front of his shirt, closing the door behind him.

 

“I’ll perform better with the yay first, juuuust sayin’.” Kuroo hinted, giving a side glance at Matsuo who just chuckled at him.

 

“Oh, you think? Well I believe the motivation to get what you came for will make you perform splendidly!” Matsuo howled out another laugh and Kuroo grimaced, he wanted to punch the guy so badly. “Besides… I don’t want you to eat my dick. I want the backdoor. So I’d be doing most of the work technically speaking.”

 

“Oh fuck off that’s-”

 

“I’ll give you enough coke to cover it, sound fair? Maybe a little tip if you stay a obedient little bitch.”

 

“Seriously, I have to be somewhere.”

 

“Your pimp gonna get mad?” Matsuo taunted, and his face lit up suddenly. “Oh hey I’m curious… You stand on the streets and all that?”

 

Kuroo stared at him blankly then snickered. “Asshole, I’m an escort.”  

 

“Same shit! That nasty big guy is your ‘pimp’ or whatever you escorts call it right? I see how you shit yourself when he’s around.” Matsuo was already unbuttoning his trousers while multitasking with lining up some white powder.

 

“You’d shit yourself too, he’s got one hell of a right hook.” Kuroo laughed, but the laugh was forced and he was clearly uncomfortable.

 

“Aw Tetsu is someone’s bitch, that’s cute…” Matsuo only needed to look at Kuroo to get a rock hard boner, and pointed towards Kuroo’s crotch. “Off, you said you have to be somewhere right?” Kuroo sighed and pulled off his trousers and left only his shirt on, not wanting to be totally revealed and vulnerable. He was not looking forward to this ‘job’ and started to question briefly if it’s even worth it. Matsuo roughly pushed him down over the side of the bed on his stomach while holding his back down. Kuroo let his mind to wander off to a different place to dodge the shame and disgust he’s about to be overwhelmed with.

 

* * *

 

 Kuroo felt like he was about to pass out as he leaned back on an outside bench and let the cool air hit his face as he took a long drag out of his cigarette. He’d just finished with his last client for the day and mentally vowed he was going to bury himself to avoid another day like this, but it was all hopes and dreams as he vowed that pretty much every single night. His hand pulled out his phone and squinted at the illuminated screen. _4:28am_ . A loud and dramatic sigh escaped from Kuroo as he flopped his arm back down, almost dropping the phone. At that moment Kuroo could feel nothing but tired and empty, pretty damn fed up with everything. He brought his phone back up in sight range and scrolled through his contacts, subconsciously stopping on Bokuto’s contact. _Bokuto… I wonder if he hates me._ Kuroo wandered, despite him being the one to ignore Bokuto’s calls. He didn’t realise he pressed the call but and just sat there staring at the ring screen before…

 

_“Mmmmm hello…?”_ Bokuto’s voice croaked on the other end and a bit of static surround the call. Kuroo just lost his voice in denial that Bokuto actually picked up.

 

_“Oh fuck. Sorry, didn’t think you’d pick up…”_

 

_“Whu- Kuroo… Kuroo! Oh my god I thought you hated me, what’s up you okay?”_ Bokuto went from sleep talking to 102% awake. Kuroo wondered how Bokuto could get so excited, even though Kuroo was a total ass and ignored him for a week.

 

_“Like I could ever hate you, sorry been busy and couldn't really talk… look Bo-”_

 

_“Forget about Akaashi and Daichi, they were assholes. But pleeease don't stop hanging out with me because of that, I swear I'll never let either of them near you.”_ Bokuto began to do his childlike whine again and Kuroo smiled into his phone.

 

_“Bro don't even worry about that, I was an ass too. I'll stay out their way but like hell I'd give up my favourite person.”_ Kuroo listened to the shuffling on the other end of the call.

 

_“Love you Kuroo…”_ Bokuto’s voice faded out slightly and Kuroo raised an eyebrow.

 

_Did he mean to say that?_ Kuroo wanted to say it back, he wanted to scream ‘I love you too’, but a mental chain was tied around his throat. _“You too Bo, you still awake?”_ Kuroo could hear Bokuto’s breathing change and no more words were said, he guessed Bokuto fell asleep and smiled before hitting the end call button. He sat in the silent night and lit another cigarette, waiting out the loneliness.

 

* * *

*

 Bokuto wanted to smash his head through a window, the entire volleyball team he was coaching were a bunch of timid, insecure squirrels that were too scared to move forward. Even the third years looked they were about done with they new players. “You lot need to learn how to get the hell out of those shells you're hiding in right now, you attack too gently, your defence is full of holes because you're scared to receive. Get some more fight in you!” Bokuto encouraged, receiving a few nods from the older players but the new players just seem to tremble on the spot even more. _How the hell am I going to push them to glory when they won't push themselves…_ The session was dismissed and a third year approached Bokuto.

 

“Hey coach… we’ve never really had anyone like you and I wanna say thanks.” The tall boy said, he had that captain look to him and Bokuto could clearly see he was a leader.

 

“I'm doing nothing really, I'm just trying to speed up the hatching process!” Bokuto laughed and the student laughed with him.

 

“They’re way more out of their comfort zones than before, your coaching has seriously helped them in a way I couldn't. Don't worry, we’ll make you proud eventually!”

 

Bokuto looked at the student with wide eyes, disbelief that he looked up to him so much. It gave him that warm and fuzzy feeling and he couldn't hold back a smile. He grabbed his stuff from the staff room and said his goodbyes to the other staff before leaving and began walking home. Bokuto pulled out his phone and realised something. _Kuroo totally rang me last night right? Or was I dreaming?_ He hurriedly went into his recent calls page and spotted the last incoming call was from Kuroo at 4:38am. _The hell was he doing awake- oh fuck wait he's not mad at me then! Wait what were we even talking about._ Bokuto hovered his thumb over the call button and thought against it for a split second before pressing it anyway. _Please pick up…_

 

_“You awake now?”_ Kuroo’s voice came through the other end, sounding very weary.

 

_“I thought I was dreaming, I didn't say anything dumb right?”_

 

_“Dunno if admitting your love for me counts as dumb.”_ Kuroo chuckled and Bokuto raised his hand to his face.

 

_“Oh god- whatever, I love you bro and I'll scream it to the world! Oh hey hey wanna hang out today?”_

 

Kuroo laughed, _“Sure, you wouldn't wanna come to mine though Daishou is annoying as fuck.”_

 

_“Daishou? Ooooh that creepy looking snake guy… he doesn't seem so bad.”_

 

_“He acts all nice and polite to win people over but he's a total snake on the inside, I've lived with him too long for my own good.”_

 

_“Hahaha he fooled me alright, oh but I think Daichi is staying with Suga tonight so it’d just be us. So come to mine!”_

 

Kuroo wanted to make an excuse but he was already too far down the path of getting Bokuto’s hopes up, he knew it was a terrible idea to hang out with Bokuto but he couldn't resist any more. _“Yeeeeah, what time you home?”_

 

_“Like 2 mins away!”_

 

_“Cool okay I'll come soon, see ya!”_

 

_Beep._

 

Bokuto didn't realise his walking turning into borderline skipping, and then an eventual jog as he came close approaching to the building.

 

* * *

 

 Kuroo rambled on his victory speech as he once again beat Bokuto at mortal combat and the latter sulked in the corner. “We’re never playing this again.” Bokuto said as he threw a pillow at Kuroo.

 

“The runner up fights the tears back as he has failed his kingdom, ashamed to face the world again..” Kuroo was just pulling words out of his ass at this point and Bokuto stuck his fingers in his ears. “Oh shit what's the time?” Kuroo asked while looked out of the window at the pink hues.

 

“Who cares what the time is! You got somewhere to be?”

 

“I do actually-”

 

Bokuto shuffled closer to Kuroo and clung onto him. “I refuse to let you leave.” He looked up at Kuroo who had a strange look in his eyes, Bokuto couldn't figure it out but Kuroo stayed silent. He ran his eyes along all of Kuroo’s features, his strong jaw line, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed to every detail of the bags under his eyes but even those wouldn't make him unattractive to Bokuto. “Kuroo… you know those times we uh…” Bokuto was afraid to even say it, afraid to hear Kuroo say something like ‘I was just playing’ or ‘it meant nothing’, because those moments meant everything to Bokuto. He started to wonder why Kuroo was so silent and prepared to speak again before he was stopped by Kuroo’s lips on his. Kuroo breathed in strongly and Bokuto moved his hands up the sides of Kuroo's face, memorising how he feels, his facial structure, and the tangles in his bed head hair. Warmth built up in Bokuto’s ears, spreading to the rest of his face as they began using tongues. It was intense, rough and almost violent as they went at each other like feral animals. Hands began pulling at each other's clothes, everything was happening so fast yet in slow motion at the same time. Bokuto pushed Kuroo's shirt up and grabbed the skin on his back, _so boney…_ Kuroo and Bokuto pulled away from their tongue battle and looked at each other, their faces close and flushed accompanied by shaky breathes. Kuroo grabbed the back of Bokuto’s head to pull him back into a kiss, there were no words spoken but what they were both wanting to say was clear through their actions. _Is this just lust? Or is this what love is… no, it's totally love-_

 

Kuroo's phone erupted with loud vibrations of someone ringing him, and that was enough to rip the wonderland the two men were drifting towards away from them and crashed them back down to reality. Kuroo pushed Bokuto off him slightly too rough and grabbed his phone, looking at the caller’s name with dread written all over his face. “Kuroo? Sorry were we too-” Bokuto began to speak but was stopped by Kuroo.

 

“Shit no Bokuto it's fine… sorry it's me. I need to go.” Kuroo said quickly, the expression he had was a mix of guilt and anger and Bokuto couldn't understand why.

 

“Huh what, what do you even need to do at this time?” Kuroo ignored him and began to walk towards the door. “Kuroo! Please just stay…” Bokuto pleaded and Kuroo stood facing away from him.

 

“Bo, we can't do this. I really want- I just fucking can't, I'm sorry...” Kuroo's voice just sounded broken and Bokuto couldn't bring himself to say anything more to stop Kuroo from walking out.

 

\--*

 

_Voicemail from Brokuto! [01:23am]_

 

_“Kuroooo where did you go? Did I do something wrong? Kuroo I'm sorry come back please.”_

 

_Voicemail from Brokuto! [02:56am]_

 

_“Can you at least text me back or ring me, I'm worried seriously bro. Did I upset you? I'm sorry...”_

 

_Voicemail from Brokuto! [03:34am]_

 

_“Kuroo are you okay… please pick up.”_

 

Kuroo's hands always shook, but right now they were shaking with something else. He felt the panic rise up in his chest with each voicemail he listened to. Dealing with his clients were hard already but tonight it felt like he ripped out his heart and put it on a plate for someone else to eat, it was next to impossible to block out the outside world and Kuroo felt everything. He couldn't pull his charm like he usually does with the lonely woman, or flatter the closet middle aged men wanting more excitement than their home life. They hid from their reality and that's something Kuroo could relate to. _How fucking stupid, leading myself and Bokuto into a sense of false hope. The fuck was I thinking? I can't lose Bo…_ Kuroo sat at the table with only the light from the kitchen counter to aid his sight as he habitually lined up the dreaded white powder, using more than usual to help himself get through the night. _Should I ring him back? No, no don’t talk to him again… no I can't fucking do that either what the fuck do I do-_ “The fuck did you get all that? Not from me I know that much.” A deep voice snapped Kuroo from his thoughts and pushed him into a bottomless black hole as he realised whose voice it was.

 

“Jirou… what's up?” Kuroo's voice shook as he turned his head towards where Jirou spoke. He looked huge as ever, his stern face unmoving but this time he looked more pissed off.

 

“Where did you get that?” He repeated, and Kuroo knew it was barely a question as he knew the answer to it.

 

“Matsuo maybe?”

 

“You know to only get it from me. So you're gonna be someone else's bitch now huh-”

 

“Shit it was just because he was close by, no big deal.” Kuroo didn't wanted to look at him anymore as he could already guess the face he was pulling, he unknowingly started to hold his breath. Jirou leaned in close and breathed heavily next to Kuroo's ear, sending chills down his spine.

 

“I find out you go to him again, I'll fucking kill both of you.” Jirou hissed, Kuroo felt every drop of venom in his voice drip all over his soul. Without a hint of warning, Jirou grabbed Kuroo by the hair and yanked him up painfully followed by shoving him forward onto the table. Kuroo got winded and didn't have any time to react as he felt Jirou fumbling around aggressively with his trousers. Kuroo knew he was fucked, quite literally. But he didn't want to argue to save his face from being unrecognisable by the end of the night, yet something in him for the first time in a long time wanted to fight back. He felt the excruciating pain as Jirou forced his way into him and warm tears pricked in the corners of Kuroo’s eyes. Jirou had about zero consideration for Kuroo.

 

“Shit- that fucking hurts!” Kuroo began to struggle against him but he was easily overpowered. “Fuck sake, Jirou stop already!” Kuroo felt the warmth of his own blood as he was violently ravaged, Jirou only paused briefly to grab Kuroo's hair again and slammed his face down into the table. Kuroo’s vision flashed white, feeling fuzzy and dazed for a few moments before he started to register the pain.

 

“Since when do you want me to stop you dirty whore?” Jirou growled, Kuroo had no idea why he even cared so much right now. He could normally shut it out easy, _so why… Bokuto._

 

* * *

 

 Kuroo shakily held his phone up to his ear as he waited for Bokuto to pick up, and it felt like the longest 10 seconds of his life. He felt small and weak, and pretty pathetic that he ran back to Bokuto knowing damn well it was a huge mistake. _Because Bokuto would be the hurt one in the end. Why am I so drawn to him..._

 

_“Kuroo?! Oh my god why didn’t you-”_

 

_He actually stayed awake, what a dumb ass._

 

_“I'm outside your door.”_ Kuroo could hear Bokuto’s heavy footsteps hurry towards the door and the door swung open to reveal a very disheveled looking Bokuto, phone still up to his ear. Kuroo didn't say anything else, he just smiled at the owl like man in front of him who looked like he was going to cry, from happiness or sadness Kuroo didn't know.

 

“Y-you don't hate me?” Bokuto squeaked.

 

Kuroo wanted to laugh and write a tally chart of how many times Bokuto was going to ask that. “How could I?”

 

_Maybe it’s love, but I wouldn’t know. I’ve mistaken a nightmare for love once upon a time, and ruined my chance to feel the real thing..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say the oc's are very minor but I'm gonna say like all are minor apart for Jirou kind of. I couldn't bring myself to place another canon character in such huge ass hole shoes so I had to fill the space!


	6. Hope(less)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lool only just discovered how much the horizontal lines feature thingy look better than "--" SO just went through all the chapters to fix them

Daichi tiptoed silently as he crept through the door, the early hours of the morning still dark. He winced as the shut the door a bit too loud and lingered there for a few moments before making a move up the hallway of the flat. The phone in his pocket lit up and he pointed his attention towards it, reading a text off Sugawara saying ‘Meanie, you could have stayed :’(‘ and smiled gently at it before looking up again. To his surprise, he saw Bokuto and Kuroo on the sofa, both of them asleep like the dead, the only sound being their light snoring. Daichi scratched the top of his head as he watched them for a moment and then creeped up to them, poking Bokuto lightly. “Psssst, Bokuto?” He hissed, careful not to wake Kuroo up as well. The only response he got was a louder snore. “Bokuto your neck is gonna kill if you stay like that.” Bokuto’s neck was craned all the way back resting on the top of the sofa and his body sat up straight with Kuroo’s legs across him, he was clinging onto Kuroo’s ankle as if to keep him from going anywhere which Daichi wanted to laugh at. He looked over at Kuroo who slept the same way as he used to, face down and his head wedged between two cushions. He sighed, creeping off towards his room and left the two sleeping.

 

Several hours later into a more acceptable or even expected time for people to wake up, Daichi made his way back in the living room and groaned when he saw Bokuto and Kuroo still asleep. He wasn’t going to accept a whole day of lazing around when Bokuto could be helping to clean the place a bit. Strutting over to the sofa and prepping a wake up speech, Daichi stopped suddenly as he noticed Kuroo’s heavy breathing and slightly trembling. He was turned on his side this time, cushions still squashed on the sides of his head but Daichi could see his sweaty face pulling a rather uncomfortable expression. Daichi hesitated before moving closer, “Oi Kuroo you’re dreaming.” He said sternly, hoping to raise him with words alone but his words didn’t reach Kuroo. He slowly moved his hand to grab his shoulder lightly, but it was as if he pressed a trigger button when Kuroo kicked Bokuto in the groin and shop up, Bokuto doubled over and did a low groan. Kuroo’s face was terrified and distressed and Daichi quickly withdrew his hand away and attempted to calm him down. “It’s okay! It was a dream Kuroo.”

 

“Fuuuuuck man what just happened…” Bokuto spat through his teeth, containing a scream as he clutched onto his crotch area.

 

Kuroo looked around frantically and Daichi was about to reach out to him again before he remembered what just happened. “You’re at mine and Bokuto’s flat, you okay?” Daich asked, giving him a concerned look. He eyed down the side of Kuroo’s face as he spoke, noting the mix of pinks and areas slightly darkening to purple and frowned.  

 

“Uh… Oh sorry.” Kuroo muttered as his face began to relax and he looked over towards the squirming Bokuto raised an eyebrow.

 

“Dude you just destroyed my balls uuugh, what happened?!” Bokuto attempted to sit up and his face was all scrunched up, tears gathering in his eyes. He was clearly still dazed from being woken up in that manner.

 

“My bad, I woke him up.” Daichi raised a hand and looked between the two. “Why aren’t you two in an actual bed, you’re gonna have one hell of a neck ache.”

 

“We were watching Up.. Fuck I cried.” Bokuto said, straightening up a bit better now and turned to Kuroo, gawking for a moment. “Woah what the fuck happened to your face! I didn’t see that last night?” Bokuto got all up in Kuroo’s face to look closer and Kuroo backed away.

 

“Dunno, probably nothing.” Kuroo lied and he waved Bokuto off him, he started to fiddle with the zip on his hoodie. Bokuto looked towards Daichi for some help but the latter shook his head, warning Bokuto away from prying.

 

Daichi felt like he needed to cut the tension quickly, for Bokuto and Kuroo’s sake. “Well, since you’re both up now go eat something then help me tidy. This place is a state…” He said while pulling a face as you looked around the room. The odd empty cup here and there and a few bowls lying around, Daichi wanted to throw himself out of the window. He left Bokuto and Kuroo to themselves and made his way to the kitchen.

 

Bokuto was still clutching to his bowls and attempted to get up, failing as he did so. “Get me a wheelchair.” He instructed and Kuroo laughed.

 

“Sorry Bo, want me to fix it for you?” Kuroo winked and Bokuto’s face flushed a deep red. “Psych!” he added, Bokuto responded by throwing a cushion at him.

 

“Asshole…” Bokuto muttered and Kuroo chuckled slightly. “Seriously though, help me get up I’m starving!” Bokuto said. Kuroo got up with a groan and pulled Bokuto up by the arm, struggling a little with the bulkier man. “Oh come on you never used to find me that heavy!”

 

“Fatty.” Kuroo joked and Bokuto stuck out his tongue.

 

“Daichiiii what’s there to eat?” Bokuto called through to the kitchen.

 

“Making eggs and bacon if you two want any.” Daichi responded and Bokuto’s groin was miraculously healed as he ran over to the kitchen with excitement.

 

“Fuck yeah! Kuroo you good with that yeah?” Asked Bokuto.

 

“Nah it’s cool I’m not hungry.” Kuroo mumbled, sleep still in his voice. He walked past the kitchen and into the bathroom.

 

Bokuto gawked at the air in front of him and slowly said, “Did he just turn down eggs and bacon…”

 

“I’ll make him some anyway.” Daichi hummed. “If he won’t eat it then you get extra.”

 

* * *

 

 Bokuto ate through his breakfast as if he’d been starved for weeks, and occasionally eyed Kuroo’s full plate in which he was just playing with. His hands trembled and he wouldn’t stop bobbing his knee under the table, Daichi felt like he was 10 seconds away from biting his head off. “Oh Daichi,” Kuroo began and Daichi looked towards him, “Sorry for the other week by the way.” Kuroo continued sheepishly, clear regret in his eyes.

 

“Don’t worry about it, gone and forgotten.” Daichi said, not knowing whether or not he was lying but the situation was put aside any how. However, he was still miles away from accepting Kuroo’s ways, but some things are better left unsaid for now. “Eat something, the hunger will hit you later.”

 

“Bo’s been watching my plate like a hawk,” Kuroo smirked at the owl. “It’d be more beneficial to him.” Kuroo pushed his plate towards Bokuto. Bokuto looked between the plate and Kuroo frantically.

 

“Seriously?” Bokuto’s eyes beamed with uncertainty, half wanting to eat the food and half wanting to make Kuroo eat it. He was so skinny, Bokuto felt like he’d be stealing the food from a starved child.

 

“Go ahead, I’m not too hungry in the morning.” Kuroo waved his hand and directed his attention to his phone. Bokuto hesitated before diving for the food and Daichi did his usual dad sigh.

 

* * *

 

 The week went on as normal, Bokuto went to work, came home and played a few games, chilled around staring at walls, text Kuroo before he sleeps, text Akaashi annoying memes, harassed Daichi for food and repeat. Or as normal as Bokuto would like it to be, but it wasn’t. Kuroo did a frequent thing of distancing himself from Bokuto on some days then act like he was in love with him the next, and that really fucked with Bokuto. He felt the mornings increasingly more difficult to drag himself out of bed, work less enjoyable and everything just feeling plain shit. He knew he wanted to help Kuroo no matter what, but at this moment Bokuto was more lost than ever with how to even do that. Should he even intervene with Kuroo’s life? Does Kuroo even want him around? And the biggest damn question of all, does Kuroo have the same feelings Bokuto has for him? With Kuroo’s unpredictable actions it was impossible to read what he was thinking, but Bokuto wondered why would Kuroo want to lead him on like that. _He must like me right? Otherwise we wouldn’t have done… what we did, right? Or maybe he really is fucking around and see’s us as ‘bros’. Maybe that’s best…_ Another day came went by where Kuroo shut out Bokuto and didn’t seem like he wanted anything to do with him, Bokuto felt as small as dirt. _Why am I trying so hard for something so hopeless..._

 

Daichi knocked on Bokuto’s ajar door and peeked in, seeing the owl like man lay pretty motionless in bed staring at a wall. He noticed Bokuto was doing much more of that lately. “Hey Bokuto, you okay?” Daichi asked, hovering at the door. Bokuto didn’t seem to hear him, or if he did he flat out ignored him and his eyes remained fixated on the wall. Daichi walked in slowly and crouched down on the floor in front of Bokuto and flicked his nose. “I’m not gonna leave until you talk to me.”

 

Bokuto shifted his eyes slightly and focused on Daichi in front of him, “Mmm, not in the mood Daichi…” he mumbled, his usual hyper and enthusiastic tone lacking.

 

Daichi drew his brows together and sighed, patting Bokuto on the shoulder. “Sure, let me know if you wanna do anything, okay?” Daichi lingered at the door as he waited for a response, but the best he got was a quiet ‘mhm’.

 

* * *

 

  _“Bokuto… Daichi told me you’re being weird.”_ Akaashi’s voice came through the other end of the line and Bokuto just wanted to cut him off, but that’d further prove Akaashi and Daichi right.

 

_“Hmm, nope I’m not.”_

 

_“Want me to come over?”_

 

_“No not really.”_

 

There was a long pause on Akaashi’s side and Bokuto thought he might have already hung up. _“Talk to me Bokuto. Are you alright?”_

 

_Am I alright? Like fuck I am. “I’m fine.”_

 

_“Don’t lie to me, tell me. You can’t bundle it up like this you know that isn’t good for you.”_

 

Bokuto stayed quiet as he tried to come up with the right words. If he even mentioned Kuroo he knew Akaashi would jump to telling Bokuto to give up with him, that it isn’t worth it. _“It’s just… I don’t think I can help Kuroo. Just feels one sided as hell and like I don’t even know if he wants me around! He sometimes acts like he used to… but then it flips and he ignores me again. Like dude I don’t fucking get it! And it’s like he cares way more about getting his next dumb fix than… me.”_

 

_“Have you told Kuroo this?”_

 

_“How the fuck am I meant to even say this to Kuroo? Fuck I don’t know what to do…”_

 

_“I get it, you miss Kuroo but you need to think about yourself as well. You can’t put all your effort into Kuroo and then neglect your needs, and Kuroo isn’t giving what you need right now. You need to talk to him and tell him what you feel, because maybe he doesn’t even realise what he’s doing. Bring light to the situation and if it still doesn’t change then that answers it for you.”_

 

Bokuto didn’t expect Akaashi to advise him so much especially after what happened with him and Kuroo. _“Why are you even helping me right now, you didn’t even want me hanging out with him a few weeks ago… I thought you hated Kuroo?”_

 

_“I don’t hate Kuroo, I just dislike his habits. And I can see you really need him in your life, so don’t give up yet. But you need to understand… That maybe the Kuroo you’re chasing isn’t the one you used to know.”_

 

 _“Kuroo is just Kuroo…”_ Bokuto knew that maybe Akaashi was right, and that was what hurt the most.

 

* * *

 

 The air was a perfect temperature, neither too warm or cool enough to give chills. Bokuto dragged his tired feet across the ground and loosely held his gym bag as he scrolled through the music on his phone. He felt every song was too annoying to listen to and began to get frustrated. _What the fuck, it’s only music._ He came close to the tall apartment building before he was stopped. “Hey, Bo.” A familiar voice sounded from in front of him, Bokuto looked up and to his surprise he was greeted by a certain bed head, as usual looking like he hadn’t slept in days. “Your hair’s down today?”

 

“Oh yeah… Couldn’t be bothered to gel it this morning.” Bokuto tried to laugh but it came out forced and it was pretty obvious to Kuroo that something was up.

 

“Hate your job already huh, what’s up?” Kuroo asked, expecting Bokuto to come out with something like ‘Daichi isn’t home to make food’ or ‘Akaashi is being mean’, but there was just silence. “...Bo?”

 

“I don’t get it really.” The bluntness from Bokuto’s voice could spread butter. “What’s up with _you_?”

 

Kuroo’s eyes widened, confused as to what Bokuto was getting at. “Huh, what do you mean?”

 

“I just don’t get what to do Kuroo. Like we’re cool and all as bros yeah? Like we always were. But then we go and do stuff like… like… You know! Those crazy, intense, hot moments which is beyond what bros do. You’re making it out that you fucking like me or something then just push me away when we get too close. What the fuck Kuroo don’t you care how I feel sometimes?” Bokuto’s speech got faster and more desperate the more words that spilt out and Kuroo was lost for words.

 

“Bo-”

 

“And then you’re literally fucking up your life right in front of me and act like you really don’t care! You don’t…” Bokuto paused and scanned around the area before talking again, a bit quieter this time. “You don’t just do shit just because you want a bit of fun or whatever the heck your excuse is, you have a fucking problem. And you’re doing _nothing_ to help yourself! I really want to stay with you Kuroo but you’re really making it fucking hard y’know? Like the people you hang around, the way you act on that shit, it isn’t _you_ Kuroo…” Bokuto looked towards the ground, slightly panting from his long outburst and waited in the silence for Kuroo to say something, anything. But nothing came for a long while and Bokuto had to look up, Kuroo’s face was everything that killed Bokuto.

 

Kuroo let out a kind of sarcastic half laugh with absolutely no humour in it. “You really think that of me huh…”

 

“And I’m no way in hell saying everything we have ends here, fuck that. I just need you to know Kuroo… Just why can’t you open up? Why can’t you tell me everything?”

 

“Tell you what?” Kuroo’s tone turned almost defensive.

 

“Hell, I don’t know! That’s the point! You seem to keep so much shit from me and I don’t know you like I used to, I fucking hate it man.”

 

Kuroo could do nothing but stare at Bokuto in front of him, praying that some sort of fix or answer would just dawn upon him but those wretched invisible chains prevented that. “I’ll fix it… I’ll fix this Bo.” He took a step forward closer to Bokuto, “So please don’t leave me.” His voice was low and quiet that Bokuto barely heard him.

 

“No, _we’ll_ fix this. Okay? Because losing you Kuroo, would actually kill me.” Bokuto knew fixing what he didn’t know what needed to be fixed was going to be impossible, but any hope right now is what gave Bokuto his wings again. Kuroo hesitated before nodding ever so slightly, looking uncertain. “Say, since we’re outside my place and all… You’re totally coming in right?”

 

“Duh, why would I be stood out here.”

 

“And staying. All night. No disappearing without explanation, right?” Bokuto’s voice was stern, as if to get the point across better.

 

Kuroo stood silently for a little while before speaking. “Sure. I won’t leave.” Those words were enough to lift Bokuto up again, a bright grin plastered on his face.

 

* * *

 

 Bokuto groggily opened his eyes to the sound of constant shuffling and movement next to him, turning his head slowly to the source. Kuroo was faced away from him, clutching two pillows to each of head and his breathing heavy and erratic. Bokuto sat up and tried looking over Kuroo to see if he was awake, but Kuroo turned around onto his back suddenly without warning and startled Bokuto, Kuroo’s face was sheened with sweat and and scrunched up. _Nightmare? Should I wake him up?_ Bokuto had heard to leave people having a nightmare alone but Kuroo’s occasional thrashing concerned him. He held onto Kuroo’s hand and attempted to unclutch them, proving to be very difficult. “Psssst, Kuroo?” Bokuto hissed into the dark, shaking his hand lightly and realised that little force wouldn’t wake him up. He grabbed onto Kuroo shoulder and shook him a bit harder to try and awake him and was just responded with a kick to the leg and more thrashing. “Fuck ow, Kuroo!” Bokuto held Kuroo’s arms down to avoid getting smacked in the face but nothing seem to be helping the situation until Kuroo sat up and banged their heads together, leaving Bokuto groaning and clinging onto his forehead, but Kuroo’s breathing became heavier and more desperate as if he literally could breath. He scooted himself away from Bokuto and Bokuto grabbed onto his hand. “Kuroo, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

 

“I… can’t breathe.” Kuroo wheezed and Bokuto’s worry began to increase. He had no idea what to do or how to help Kuroo, but he guessed he was having a panic attack.

 

“Fuck, okay just breath with me okay? Deep breathes.” Bokuto put his hands on the sides of Kuroo’s face to make sure he watched him, and Kuroo took a deep shaky breath after Bokuto, and out again. Bokuto felt the wetness of Kuroo cheeks, but it wasn't from the sweat. He was crying.

 

“Hey, hey listen here, you’re doing good! Keep focusing on breathing okay? It’ll pass…” Bokuto only knew what to say because he had watched Akaashi help Kenma through a panic attack once, and that one time Bokuto felt absolutely useless. He felt Kuroo tremble and shake from the attack and it stayed like that for a little over 20 minutes, Bokuto’s memory wondered off to the days where Kuroo seemed to be immune to any breaking point, he took on the pillar role with ease and never failed to be there to hold his friends up. Now it was Bokuto’s turn to be there for Kuroo, the fallen pillar.

 

Kuroo’s breathes were still shaky began to slow to a more steady pace, he hastily drew his eyes up to look at Bokuto. “Um… Thanks Bo.” He mumbled, Bokuto almost missed what he said.

 

“No problem, hey you okay though? Like… wanna talk about it?”

 

“‘M fine, don’t worry.” Kuroo sounded drained and tired, like if he just put his head down he’d drift off into a 1000 year sleep. “Think I’ll stay up though.”

 

“Kuroo you need to sleep bro… Do you always have nightmares?” Bokuto remembered the last time he awoke next to Kuroo it was Daichi comforting him, assuming he had a nightmare then as well.

 

“Mmm dunno.” Kuroo said and he reached for his phone, Bokuto peeked over and was shocked by what was on it.

 

_You have (38) missed calls: Jirou_

 

It was followed by a list of texts in which Bokuto caught the words “fuck” and “shit” at lot, but couldn’t read it all as Kuroo put his phone down again. “I’m so fucked.” Kuroo muttered.

 

“What the fuck, someone was desperate to get a hold of you…” Bokuto’s mind ran through a hundred different ideas of who the person might be to Kuroo. “Who was that?”

 

“No one really...” Kuroo waved his hand and Bokuto frowned.

 

“Fuck them then. Forget about it, don’t look at your phone. Wanna go for a walk?”

 

Kuroo gave Bokuto a questioning look and raised an eyebrow. “Huh, aren’t you going back to sleep?”

 

“Nah I wanna make sure you’re alright. So let’s walk! It’d be fun.” Bokuto voice got louder as he hopped off the bed. Bokuto was getting desperate to redirection Kuroo’s mind, to make him feel better somehow.

 

Kuroo looked up at Bokuto and huffed out a laugh. “Fine, let’s go you weirdo.”

 

* * *

 

 What started out as a nice walk out in the cool night turned into the two former rivals competing in who can drink more without dying in a random bar, unplanned events always seem to be the best. “What the fuuck Kuroo I have to go to work t’morrow…” Bokuto whined, while taking another gulp from his glass.

 

“Obvs not bothered enough if you’re still drinking you stupid owl!” Kuroo pushed Bokuto's now empty glass towards the bartender for him to fill it up again.

 

“You’re a ver’ bad influence, y’know?”

 

“Aww thanks Bo! I’m sure the most fun in your life is spent with the one and only~”

 

“Yeeeah… You’re so fun, hey uh… I’m sorry bro.”

 

“What for?”

 

“For sayin’ all that shit earlier… was that today? Yesterday maybe… fuck I dunno but I’m sorry…”

 

Kuroo patted Bokuto on the knee, who was looking like a sorry puppy. “Don’t be sorry, I needed to hear that to be honest…”

 

“Hey… will you at least try and quit?”

 

Kuroo gave Bokuto a sad look, knowing that it was something Bokuto really wants. Something Kuroo felt he would probably fail him in that area too. “I… Yeah. Yeah I will.”

 

Bokuto’s face looked like it didn’t now what expression to put on, but it eventually settled on a grateful smile. “I’m glad to hear that… Love you Kuroo.”

 

“Hah, you’re so cute.”

 

Bokuto leaned in close to Kuroo and pulled an attempted serious face, but ended up looking a bit goofy. “I gotta ask you somethin’.” Kuroo raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Why do you never say you love me back, it hurts bro.” Bokuto put up a heartbroken expression and put his hand up to his chest.

 

“Bo…” Kuroo pulled Bokuto in close by the back of his head and brushed his lips against his ear. “I love you.”

 

* * *

*

 Kuroo hovered outside of Jirou’s door, his nerves getting the better of him as he just wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and run far away to the next country. He pulled the handle down and to no surprise the door wasn’t locked, walking in hastily and expecting a bottle or a fist in his face any coming moment, but there was just silence greeting him. He shut the door behind him and proceeded further into the apartment, feeling his legs about to give way underneath him. “Jirou…?” Kuroo called warily.

 

“In here, Tetsurou.” A deep voice came from the lounge area and Kuroo felt his heart drop. He walked carefully towards the voice, as if he was walking over a frozen lake cracking and stopped when he saw Jirou sat on the sofa, face lacking any expression for Kuroo to be able to read. Jirou turned his head slowly to look at Kuroo and stood up, walking towards him. “You stood up quite a few clients last night, where were you?”

 

“Fell asleep, sorry…” Kuroo refused to raise his eyes from the floor as he felt Jirou hover over him.

 

“Oh yeah? Then why’d you smell like alcohol?” Jirou placed his hand under Kuroo’s chin and lifted his face, glaring intently into his eyes. Kuroo had literally no idea what excuse to pull out of his ass this time and just stood there like a deer frozen in headlights. “No answer huh? Whatever, I’m not mad.”

 

“W-what?” Kuroo stuttered, complete disbelief and knew Jirou was fucking with him.

 

“I don’t mind. You’re just doing double tonight, make up for our losses.” Jirou hummed nonchalantly as he let go of Kuroo, walking back towards the sofa. Kuroo let out a exasperated sigh and began to turn away. “Not so fast, come show me a bit of love. It’s starting to feel like you hate me or something…” Jirou’s tone was mocking and Kuroo just wanted to stab him right there and then.

 

The bed head walked over to Jirou who opened his legs and pointed down towards his groin and Kuroo kneeled before him, undoing the button on his jeans and tugging them down. Kuroo wanted to throw up with every second he had Jirou’s member in his mouth and was sickened with the effort he put into it, knowing he’d just get the back of his head slapped if he slacked off. Jirou’s big hands clung to Kuroo’s tangled hair and pulled on it as he moaned, moving himself deeper down Kuroo’s throat. Kuroo felt Jirou’s penis begin to tense up and knew that was the queue he was about to cum so he tried to hurry it up, but Jirou pulled Kuroo off him.

 

“Hah… wait, wait. We’re not ending the fun here.” Jirou panted, still running his fingers through Kuroo’s hair. “Hey, I want you to try something.” Jirou motioned for Kuroo to sit on the sofa with him and reached for the table, picking up a syringe. The rest of the table had the odd spoon lying around along with small empty transparent bags and lighters.

 

“Smack?” Kuroo asked, raising his eyebrows.

 

“Ever tried it alone?” Jirou asked, and Kuroo shook his head. He’d only ever use it occasionally for a speedball but even then in tiny amounts. “Trust me, you’ll love it. At least it’d help with the pain.” Jirou’s voice was unusually soft and gentle for once and Kuroo pulled his brows together questioningly. He knew Jirou had crazy mood swings but this particular mood was as rare as dinosaurs.

 

“Uh… no it’s fine, downers aren’t that appealing to me.” Kuroo muttered, half lying that he didn’t want it if it meant less pain from what was about to happen. But it was the fear of falling asleep that put him off the most.

 

“Come on, you don’t know unless you try!” Jirou exclaimed and pulled Kuroo’s arm to roll his sleeve up before he could answer. He ran his hand down Kuroo's arm, his skin decorated by raised pale and tender marks alike, along with several red crescent shaped wounds which looked like they were made by nails.

 

“Wait Jir-”

 

“Shh it’d be fine, just try not to completely pass out.” He laughed and Kuroo watched him tighten his belt around the top of his arm. The burning on his ears and cold sweat down his back warned him that this was a bad idea, that Bokuto would actually hate him for this and never forgive him, but one thing Kuroo was terrible at was resisting. _I said I’d fix this… I’m such a piece of shit._ The prick of the needle made Kuroo flinch and pulled back a little bit, but then… A burst of warm, fuzzy, euphoria erupting in his chest and spreading like wildfire, everything that ate at the corners of his mind washed away and gone. Kuroo felt his eyes roll back and bit and began to fall back before Jirou caught his arm and laughed a bit. “See, it’s nice right?” Jirou asked, and Kuroo couldn’t even form words with how good he felt. He realised now how mediocre the high of his usual fix was. Sure it gave him the confidence, the energy he needed to get through the day, but all of that used to be the norm for Kuroo. This gave him the uttermost peace, something he could never achieve on his own.

 

“Wow, what the fuck…” Kuroo mumbled, Jirou let him fall back onto the sofa and Kuroo stared contently at the ceiling, his eyes glassy and gone to another world. Jirou hovered on top of Kuroo as he tugged at his sweatpants, he pushed into him at his normal rough strength but this time it didn’t feel like Kuroo was about to die. The pain was dull and almost non existent, Kuroo could only focus on the warm, mellow feeling.

 

“Tetsurou… You never say you love me anymore.” Jirou whispered into Kuroo’s ear as he thrusted, but Kuroo didn’t hear Jirou. He heard _Bokuto_.

 

“I love you...” Kuroo’s glazed over eyes slowly closed as he let himself drift into his new found wonderland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Smack' is the street name for heroin.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, thank you for reading :)


	7. A Cat Without Claws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo and Jirou's background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I have to apologise that this is another dreadful, angst filled chapter but I swear I'm getting closer to happier moments BARE WITH ME I'M SORRY. This chapter is a fair bit longer than the others, or at least I think it is. Definitely felt like it when writing, it was pretty difficult to write >.<
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains heavy descriptions of domestic violence/abuse, drug abuse and rape. Please do not read if this is triggering for you.

Daishou was yelling about something Kuroo didn't even know what, it sounded like a buzzing in the background as he mentally muted him while he laid on the edge of his bed watching the smoke come off of his cigarette. Nothing could bother him right now, not even Daishou who burst into the room and kicked Kuroo’s feet.

 

“Kuroo! You dick, why are you ignorin’ me?” Daishou shouted, grabbing Kuroo’s knees to shake them. “Where were you the last few days?”

 

“Mmmmm... Jirou’s” Kuroo mumbled past the cigarette between his lips.

 

Daishou raised an eyebrow and stood there for a moment. “Jirou huh, you only ever go on about how much you hate him-”

 

“I liiiiiied I totally love him. He's not so bad” Kuroo's voice was sleepy and lazy and Daishou kicked Kuroo’s shin, but the latter didn't react much.

 

“Dude what are you on? Have you lost your shit or something?” He asked as he leaned down to look at Kuroo's face, looking for any sign that he was joking right now. “And I thought you liked that owl guy?”

 

“Huuh, yeah I love Bokuto… guess that makes me a cheater.”

 

“Like cheating on Jirou even counts.” Daishou muttered in an annoyed tone and he turned to leave, looking back briefly at the strangely content Kuroo.

* * *

 *

_~Beginning from 3 years ago~_

 

Kuroo read through the letter of acceptance for the University he applied for as Kenma leaned over to look.

 

“You got in?” The pudding head asked, sounding mildly interested for once.

 

“Yeah… didn't expect that really.” Kuroo said and folded the letter again.

 

Kenma frowned at Kuroo. “You should be happy, this is good. And I didn't expect less, you're really smart.”

 

“Duh I'm happy of course! Just feeling a bit nostalgic, I don't really wanna leave school.”

 

“Hmmm… Have you sorted out accommodation?”

 

“Aw shit I didn’t even think about that.”

 

“I’ll help you later. Let's go play a game.”

 

* * *

 

It didn't feel long before everyone began saying their goodbyes and moving away towards their future, and eventually Kuroo made his move too. The drive was long solely because of the horrendous traffic, Kuroo felt the ache in his legs become increasingly more annoying and a dull headache starting at his temples. Kuroo managed to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes within the time he was stuck in the car, playing a game with himself of how far he could flick each cigarette. Kuroo had always tried to keep his smoking habit low key but at this moment he didn’t give two shits. No one else was around to see, and that thought alone was enough to pull Kuroo’s mood right down, realising how much he hates change. Kuroo wasn't nervous or anything but at the same time he felt like he was going into totally new territory, a place without Kenma, Bokuto, Yaku or anyone really. Although he and Kenma said they'd still hang out of course it wasn't even a question, it was still the feeling of moving forward. Kuroo had no idea what career he even wanted he just went for a chemistry degree because why the hell not, he was good at it and that's all that mattered to Kuroo. His mother especially wanted him to go to university, and Kuroo would do anything to make her happy. He still felt her kiss lingering on his forehead from when he said goodbye to her, it was kind of painful to leave her on her own.

 

He pulled into the student parking area for the University dormitory and sat in his car for a long while before dragging himself out and grabbing his stuff out of the boot before making his way towards the entrance. These dorms were a 5 minute walk away from the University campus which Kuroo found to be the luckiest he's ever been to get into this dorm. He signed in and was given the key to his room, taking the lift up to his floor and wandered down the hallway glancing at all the numbers. _I am going to be in so much student debt._ Kuroo stopped himself from gawking too much at how nice the place looked, it was all shiny and clean. Other students passed him having various conversation he caught the odd word of and he continued walking.

 

“Oh fuck off, if it isn't Kuroo Tetsurou.” Came a familiar voice from in front of him. Kuroo looked towards the voice and didn't know whether to feel happy that he found someone he knew or cry that it was none other than Daishou.

 

“How the fuck did you even get into Uni.” Kuroo asked bluntly, and Daishou was already irritated.

 

“Studying of course, I'm not that thick. Could have told me you were coming here.”

 

“Didn't think you'd care, seeing as you mentioned uni wasn't your thing.”

 

“Givin’ it a go, hey where's your room?”

 

“Uhhh-” Kuroo looked back at his paper but it was snatched off by Daishou.

 

“Fuck! Hey let's go find your roomie.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I'm gonna swap with him~”

 

_Of course, being stuck in the same room as Daishou is both hilariously scary and fucking brilliant._

 

* * *

 

_ <Nekomaaaaaaa> Group chat _

_._

_._

_._

_Lev: Wwwwwaaashdasd i miss u guys, team isnt the same :(_

_Yaku: At least you’re a senpai now._

_Lev: …. BUT STILL_

_Lev: ILL HAPPILY GO BACK TO BEING NOTHING IF U GUYS CAME BACK_

_Yaku: Stupid Lev! Embrace it!_

_Yama: Shut up Lev_

_Lev: y are u so mean_

_Inuoka: How are you lot anyway?_

_Yaku: Stressed. Uni is hard._

_Kai: Work life is as expected. Good job in getting into Uni though!_

_Yaku: Thanks_

_Inuoka: That’s life_

_Yaku: uhuh... Oi Kuroo, quit ignoring this chat_

_Kuroo: Pfffffff I’m not, hey guys <3 _

_Lev: captainnnnn T_T_

_Kuroo: Better not be slacking on your recieves Lev. Kenma will definitely let me know if you are._

_Lev: o.o no he wont, AND IM DOING GREAT ACTUALLY THANKS_

_Kenma: I will._

_Lev: KENMAAA Q_Q_

_Kai: Kuroo you’re at uni right?_

_Kuroo: Yeeeeeah… I’m fucking up already_

_Yaku: What? Why?_

_Kuroo: Too hard, I’m gonna rage quit._

_Yaku: … There’s no way you find it too hard. You’re smart._

_Yaku: You better not be going to classes drunk or anything_

_Kuroo: lmaoooo nope, not at all_

_Kuroo: guess who my roommate is tho_

_Yaku: Someone we know?_

_Kuroo: a nasty snake_

_Yaku: huh?_

_Yaku: Oh no way??? DAISHOU?_

_Lev: KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP_

_Yama: SEND A PICTURE AFTER_

_Kuroo: Was planning on it ;)_

 

* * *

 

Kuroo vowed to himself he'd actually pay attention to university and study, parties wouldn't be that big of a deal right? Wrong. Kuroo and Daishou got drunk almost every night, multiple classes missed and if not missed, slept through. They were beginning to spiral out of control but the two had too much fun to even care, not even the racking student debt was enough to sway them back to making an effort in their education.

 

The atmosphere was the same as any house party, loud and chaotic. Zero care was given to the party host’s property, everyone was just there for a piss up. Kuroo downed his now 9th shot into the early night and already predicted he wasn't going to make it to midnight. Daishou shuffled closer to Kuroo along the table and out his head close to him.

 

“Hey… you've got a starer.” Daishou slurred, Kuroo followed his gaze towards a group of people, all of them looking pretty rough and people Kuroo generally wouldn’t associate with. Kuroo had no idea who he was meant to be looking at before his eyes were met by stern, dark eyes. They were almost scary, but at the same time Kuroo loved the fierce look in them. _Oh shit he's actually staring._ He felt the shaking of Daishou’s laughing next to him as the mystery man stood up and walked towards them, Kuroo never got nervous or shy but this time he was absolutely shitting it. Kuroo looked towards Daishou quickly to only realise he had ditched him and left him alone.

 

“Haha, sorry I didn't mean to glare at you like that. You're just pretty hot.” The man said and sat down on the seat in front of Kuroo.

 

Kuroo felt his face flush a bit, he could normally always come back with something dumb and witty but this time his throat was caught. _Fuck why is he so attractive?_ “You too, not gonna lie.” He laughed. “I'm Kuroo.” Kuroo gave him a genuine smile.

 

“Jirou… hey come on your cup is empty, come drink with me!” Jirou looked towards Kuroo's cup before moving his eyes back at Kuroo’s face. He looked at him like he adored him, like he was unlike anything he's seen before. Kuroo felt both intimidated and flattered at the same time.

 

“Pffff I've had enough shots to fuck me up for the rest of the night, I can't even see.” Kuroo slouched on his chair before Jirou grabbed his arm to pull him up with ease. Kuroo felt the room spin from the sudden pull up and wobbled a bit, Jirou keeping his hand on him to keep him steady. Kuroo looked at Jirou properly now, noticing he was half a head taller than him. Surprising as not many people were that much taller than Kuroo, apart from Lev of course. _Hah, wonder how he's getting on..._

 

“See, still alive so far!” He laughed. “Say, you're at uni then?” Jirou asked as he walked with Kuroo through the room, pushing past many drunk people.

 

“Yeeeeah, uh doing chemistry,” Kuroo raised his voice a bit as they got closer to the source of the music. Jirou leaned over to say something to his friend before looking back at Kuroo.

 

“Chemistry, wow! You've actually got brains in this…” Jirou motioned his hands around Kuroo's hair and laughed. “Damn how'd you even get it like this?”

 

“I sleep in an awkward way that it pushes all my hair up… basically just a bed head man.” Kuroo groaned and did a little pout and Jirou ruffled his hair.

 

“Fuck it's awesome!” Jirou exclaimed and grabbed two drink from his friend, passing one to Kuroo.

 

.

 

Kuroo had no idea what happened, one minute he was talking with Jirou, the next they were both eating each other’s faces off in the bathroom. The music boomed in the walls as Jirou roughly grabbed Kuroo in any place he could. Kuroo pulled away panting from Jirou, feeling his hands tremble and eyes rolling a bit, but the most noticeable of all was the excessive need to chew his tongue off.

 

“Ugh what the fuck.” Kuroo murmured before Jirou dived in for another kiss and laughed.

 

“What's up, you look a bit lost.” He held Kuroo's face between his hands and looked intently at him, as if he was going to devour him or something.

 

“Uhhh I can't keep my fucking eyes still.” Kuroo didn't even know if he was speaking the right language, his mouth felt numb and his ears sounded like there was a buzzing in them.

 

Jirou snickered at him. “Ah fuck sorry, might’ve put a little too much… You’re rolling hard! Ever had Mandy before?”

 

“Huh… who's Mandy?” Kuroo slurred, he stumbled to the mirror and looked at his eyes. Full blown pupils, eyeballs literally trembling and his face sweaty as hell. Everything looked so… Smooth, bright, amazing.

 

“The bitch fucking with you right now!” Jirou whacked Kuroo on the back and laughed. “MDMA, a beautiful thing. Trust me you'll feel the good side of it too… thought it'd get you to open up a little, seemed a bit shy.”

 

“Wooow you're such an ass… ‘m never shy.” Kuroo groaned, but he couldn't deny that he felt fucking amazing, and really horny. He realised the drink Jirou got him was the culprit. _Wait fuck what the hell, I'm definitely not enjoying being drugged right now._

 

“Never done drugs I’m guessing?”

 

“Fuck no I haven't, that was a dick move.” Kuroo looked at Jirou who was just grinning at him, it took him moment to notice he was smiling too.

 

“How cute, well there's a first time to everything.” Jirou landed another sloppy, rough kiss on Kuroo’s lips before opening the door and dragging Kuroo out with him.

 

* * *

 

Kuroo awakened with a groan, feeling like his eyes didn’t shut all night but his brain completely crashed on him. The best way to describe how he was feeling went along the lines of complete shit. Everything felt slow and depressing, even moving his eyes was too much to do and Kuroo felt like dying right there and then.

 

“Morning sleeping beauty… Damn you were horrible last night, your new boyfriend had to carry you back in here.” Daishou’s voice cracked on the other side of the room, not sounding so bright and shiny himself.

 

“Huuuh… Boyfriend?” Kuroo croaked, his memories jumbled and confused.

 

“You know, tall big guy who looks like he could crush a mountain with his bare hands. Or like better put as… the guy whose tongue was down your throat all night? Any bells ringing?”

 

 _Tall guy… his name was…_ “Ji...rou? Oh, fuck.” _Fuck I don’t even have his number, was probably a one night thing._

 

“Yeah, he was playing around with your phone though… if I remember correctly.”

 

Those words alone were enough to push Kuroo out of bed and grab his phone, the texts lit up on his lock screen reading, ‘Jirou <3: _Hey princess, drink loads of water and you’ll survive ;) text me when you’ve returned back to the living x’._ Kuroo couldn’t stop himself from grinning, pushing past the seriously depressed drained feeling.

 

* * *

 

 

What started off a slow cute texts quickly turned into a necessity for Kuroo’s life, staying awake for crazy hours to keep up a constant conversation with Jirou. Daishou was convinced Kuroo was love sick and making him way too obsessed. Kuroo didn’t care, he was silly in love and there was nothing stopping him.

 

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): maaaaan i dont see u enough why are you never at any parties?_

_Jirou <3: Pfft, those ones are mediocre. I’ll show you a real party if you’ll let me. Bring that snakey friend if you want _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): mediocre huh? Then why were you at that last one_

_Jirou <3: saw a pretty face and stalked them inside…. _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): creeps turn me on_

_Jirou <3: Freaks turn me on. _

_Jirou <3: No seriously, tonight come. They’ll still be some uni people so you wont be totally unfamiliar _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): do you even go to uni_

_Jirou <3: God no, too dumb for that shit. I got my own business going anyway ;) _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): nooo way? What is it?_

_Jirou <3: Secret. _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): wtf no tell me_

_Jirou <3: Come tonight and I’ll tell you x _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): one more q_

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): how old are you_

_Jirou <3: Age matters to you huh? _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): nah, you just look big enough to not be my age but you’re not all wrinkly and weird so you cant be thaaat old_

_Jirou <3: hahahah _

_Jirou <3: 25 _

_Kuroo(Ф∀Ф): damn what a creep *blockedddddd_

_Jirou <3: lmao, see you tonight babe _

 

Kuroo sighed and leaned back on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through the photos on his phone and smiled briefly at some dumb memes he saved. He stopped scrolling and hovered his thumb over a particular picture. It was of him and Bokuto wearing cheap star shaped plastic glasses pretending they were all cool in McDonald’s. Kuroo suddenly felt his heart sink at the realisation that he and Bokuto haven’t spoken since school finished, the two who were once inseparable at some point. It was mostly Kuroo’s fault for not keeping up the texts after leaving school and they eventually died out into not talking at all. _Should I call him? Fuck wait, I reset my phone I don’t even have his number… Hey Kenma talks a lot with Akaashi right? He’d have his number… Yeah I’ll ask later._

 

* * *

 

Jirou was right about one thing, the parties he goes to are way crazier. Kuroo looked around and spotted a few people he recognised from the University campus so it’s not a totally new group of people, the thought putting Kuroo at ease. Daishou had already run off to greet some people they knew and Kuroo was going to follow before being stopped by Jirou.

 

“Wanna come with me for a sec?” Jirou asked, and Kuroo nodded.

 

Kuroo followed Jirou weaving through the many people squashed up into the rooms and came before the stairs. Jirou reached over to someone to grab two drinks and gave one to Kuroo.

 

“Hah, you think I’m gonna trust you again after your little stunt.” Kuroo smirked.

 

Jirou laughed loudly and put the drink in Kuroo’s face. “Drink! I cross my heart there’s nothing in it this time.”

 

Kuroo cautiously took the cup and dramatically squinted his eyes at Jirou making the other laugh. Kuroo couldn’t help but find his laugh contagious and smiled along with him and Jirou walked on up the stairs.

 

“Yeah, the funnest part is up here clearly.” Kuroo commented sarcastically. “Big bad man is gonna ass fuck me or something?”

 

“Oh I want to,” Jirou said without a hint of hesitation and Kuro’s breath hitched, not expecting him to actually say that. “But we’ll save that for another time, I’m gonna show you something you’ll love.” Jirou winked and grabbed onto Kuroo’s free hand, pulling him into an empty bedroom and closing the door. Kuroo watched with interest as Jirou kneeled before a table in the room and dug through his pockets, pulling out small baggies with white power in them as well as a credit card.

 

“What’s that?” Kuroo asked.

 

Jirou placed his phone on the table and began tapping out the power on the screen. “Coke. I promise it won’t fuck you up like Mandy, it’ll give you a nice buzz. You’re up for it yeah?”

 

 _He means cocaine right? Well fucking obviously. What the hell, that shit is a no, no._ “Uh nah it’s cool man, I’ll pass.” Kuroo looked at Jirou who pulled a face at him.

 

“Nah, nah I ain’t accepting no. You gotta try some stuff! It won’t kill you.”

 

“Come on, drinking is good enough for me. Cocaine is bad anyway you shouldn’t even be doing that…”

 

Jirou burst out into a sudden laugh that startled Kuroo. “Tetsuroouuuu, try it please? For me?”

 

“Hey... I didn’t even tell you my full name?”

 

“I looked at your student card.” Jirou winked. “Please?” Jirou had already cut the powder into thin lines and was rolling up a money note as he looked at Kuroo with pleading eyes.

 

 _Say no, say no, he’ll live if I say no. Fuck, what if he hates me? Nope, just say no…_ “Just once yeah?” _Fucking idiot._

 

“I beg you just this once, if you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again.”

 

Kuroo hesitated before he walked towards Jirou, the male smiling brightly and passing Kuroo the rolled up note.

 

“Hold this tight, and just breath in strong through it. It might sting a little but don’t worry.”

 

Jirou was right about the stinging, which felt more like a burning. Kuroo felt his eye water and his face feel a bit numb and eventually his nose began to run annoyingly. “Ok but what the fuck… is that taste.”

 

“The drip! It sucks I know. Hey I wanna ask you something?”

 

“Kuroo wiped his nose and constantly sniffled to somehow get the bits of powder that clung to his nostril. “Go ahead.”

 

“Have you ever been ass fucked before?”

 

The question was pretty sudden and Kuroo just stared at Jirou for a moment before laughing. “Firstly, I’ve mostly fucked girls. Secondly, those time I am with a guy… I am _never_ the one getting fucked.” Kuroo smirked at Jirou.

 

“Oh yeah… That’s gonna change.” Jirou’s eyes were focussed on Kurou, eying him like he was his prey before he leaned down and snorted a few lines.

 

.

 

Kuroo’s confidence was through the roof, he could talk on and on about 20 different things and never run out of something to say. He’d never felt so drunk but so energised at the same time, his mind not knowing whether to pass out or stay awake for another week. Kuroo sure felt like he could stay this hyped forever, and nothing could stop him.

 

“Duude slow down I can’t understand shit you’re sayin’! I think I’m gonna pass out…” Daishou said as he leaned on the bathroom door, waiting for whoever was in there to get out. His impatience grew as he started banging on the door. “Heeey! I’m fucking gonna piss myself hurry up!”

 

Kuroo snickered and looked around the room for Jirou, but he wasn’t in sight. “Daishou, you seen Jirou?”

 

“Uhhh... Think maybe I probably most likely… Don’t know.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

A hand tapped on Kuroo’s shoulder and he turned around to face another male, very slightly shorter than Kuroo but Kuroo recognised him to hang around with Jirou. “Yo, Kuroo?”

 

“One and only.”

 

“Jirou’s upstairs, wants you to come up.”

 

Kuroo wasted no time to hurry up the stairs and spotted Jirou leaning against the wall talking to someone, looking over at Kuroo. “How you liking it?”

 

“Huh- oh yeah fucking love it!” Kuroo couldn’t believe he was actually saying it, but resistance to things that make him feel good is near to impossible.

 

“Come on, we’ll do a few more lines.”

 

* * *

 

Kuroo began prioritising Jirou over everything, he talked to Kenma less and forgot about getting in contact with Bokuto. He even muted the Nekoma group chat and gradually stopped replying in it, leaving the group to collect dust on his phone. University was already down the drain and he’s barely past the midway point of the year. Everyday they met up, did dumb illegal crap like shoplifting for the hell of it, and Kuroo loved the thrill. Each night was filled with alcohol and drugs, and Kuroo found himself unable to have a good time without the dreaded powder he swore against doing again. It was a frequent thing, but it was all just for fun as Kuroo put it. It was never helpful that Jirou always had some no matter the situation.

 

.

 

“Hey Jirouuuu…” Kuroo mumbled into Jirou’s chest.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You never told me what your so called ‘business’ is.”

 

“Hahah, you haven’t guessed? I’m a fucking drug dealer.”

 

“Obviously… Love you.”

 

“Love you too Tetsu.”

 

.

 

Jirou was very lustful over Kuroo, often touching the other and gripping him like his precious property. But it never went further than that, and Jirou was starting to get hungry.

 

“Come on Tetsu, drink it all.” Jirou said as he pushed Kuroo’s glass up to help him down it faster.

 

Kuroo almost choked and pulled the glass away. “I’m alread’ drunk Jirooou…” He slurred, and it was clear by his wandering eyes he was beyond the point he could handle.

 

“Want a few lines? It’d wake you up babe.” Jirou said as he moved his phone carefully towards Kuroo with the lined up power. Kuroo shrugged and snorted it all to Jirou surprise. “Okay shit don’t die now.”

 

“Oi you better not leave any of that left on my table you ass holes!” A voice shouted, and Jirou waved him off.

 

“Fuck off. Hey Kuroo, my place is like on the other floor. Wanna come with so I can go grab something?” Jirou asked.

 

“Sure, we comin’ back righ’?” Kuroo’s words may as well been just one long word and Jirou laughed at him.

 

“Don’t get what you just said you drunken idiot, let’s go.” Jirou hooked his arm around Kuroo’s waist and pulled him up.

 

.

 

Kuroo supported himself on the wall of Jirou’s apartment as he was completely blinded by the alcohol and lost all sense of coordination. The dull music could still be heard from the floor above and Kuroo lightly hummed to it, raising his gaze to see Jirou stood in front of him.

 

“Got what you needed?” Kuroo asked, but Jirou did nothing but look at Kuroo. He squinted at Jirou to see what face he’s pulling and only just caught his stern, serious face. “Uh… Jirou?”

 

Jirou pounced on Kuroo like a predator, pushing him roughly against the wall and painfully kissed him hard enough it could bruise. He breathed heavily down Kuroo’s neck and brushed his teeth against it, acting rather animalistic.

 

“Ow what the fuck, Jirou quit being so rough-”

 

Kuroo was silenced by another kiss, Jirou still remaining speechless and the only sound was the almost growl like breathing and Kuroo pretty much struggling to get air. The taller man pulled away from Kuroo, panting in his face and still clutching onto his shoulders before he pulled Kuroo away from the wall and pushed him backwards into the bedroom, Kuroo was sure he was going to fall over in the process but landed on the bed not so comfortably. He watched in horror as Jirou began to unbutton his jeans frantically.

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” It was as if the drowsiness from the alcohol had been completely washed away in the panic, Kuroo’s focus on hyper alert. “Jirou wait I don’t-”

 

“You love me, right?” Jirou hissed in Kuroo’s ear and he pushed him down roughly on the bed, Kuroo couldn’t even speak for a moment as Jirou’s hand wandered towards his crotch area and he began to struggle.

 

“Obviously but seriously, get off!”

 

Kuroo’s struggling was easily overpowered by the largely built man, and was pinned down with a single arm as Jirou started to tug down his jeans. Kuroo kicked out at Jirou, thrashed himself around and pleaded him to stop but nothing was getting through.

 

“Jirou don’t!” Kuroo’s eyes were wide with fear as his panic began reflect in his breathing. He felt like he was drowning in his own body, the ringing in his ears and the blurred vision accompanying it. The 10 minutes that were filled with fumbling, struggling, failing and trying again felt like 10 hours. What came next was nothing but excruciating pain that Kuroo just wanted to scream at, but Jirou slapped his strong hand down on Kuroo’s mouth, muffling the sounds. The cold sweat on Kuroo completely devoured him and the stinging of warm tears in his eyes ran down the sides of his face as Jirou mercilessly ripped through Kuroo repeatedly.

 

The struggling died down after a long while as Kuroo let himself gaze blankly at the ceiling past Jirou’s face panting and groaning over him, Kuroo’s eyes were dull, puffy and bloodshot from the crying he’d never had to do before. The pain never eased up, but Kuroo forced his mind to detach from his body, to run away from this. _How the fuck did this happen? Why the hell… is this happening… What god did I piss off?_

 

After what felt like an eternity, Kuroo’s attention was brought back slightly as he heard Jirou moan and felt him finish inside him, the warm fluid building up for a few moments. Jirou’s heavy body collapsed on top of Kuroo, whose eyes were still looking into another world, and placed his arm up to stroke Kuroo’s hair. He turned his head slightly towards Kuroo’s face.

 

“I’m sorry… I love you Tetsu.” He whispered, but Kuroo wasn’t even connected to his body at this point to respond in any way.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time, but definitely not the last time Kuroo felt so weak against Jirou. Each time ending with I’m sorry’s and I love you’s. Each time promising he wouldn't do it again, but they were all venomous lies that consumed Kuroo, who stupidly believed every single one. Jirou’s gentle touches were replaced by fists and kicks, his kind words morphing into vile words. Kuroo became more and more dependant on his ‘get away’ from life, as being sober just didn’t cut it for him anymore. He held back everything negative and buried it under his own skin because Jirou definitely loves him, and this is all out of love, for sure. This is just the kind of love that ate Kuroo’s soul and crushed it between it’s teeth.

 

.

 

Kuroo was bombarded by concerned emails from his lecturer, questioning his lack of attendance and productivity. It only brought Kuroo back to the reality of why he was even here in the first place, to get somewhere in life. _I’m getting so fucking far right now huh._

 

.

 

“Already? You just had some.” Jirou said, not moving his eyes away from the weighing scale of his drugs, the table scattered with baggies, money and cocaine.

 

“Mmmm no that was hours ago.” Kuroo muttered as he loomed over Jirou, eying up the amount of cocaine there was on the table like a hesitant hyena watching its prey.

 

“Well shit, be fucking patient unless you wanna pay for it.” Jirou snapped and Kuroo sighed, walking away. The sound of the door opening drew his attention and it was someone who was dealing with Jirou, Kuroo just ignored him and sat down in the lounge area and turned on the T.V. The man looked towards Kuroo and stared a moment too long before Jirou called.

 

“Who’s that?”

 

“Just me!” The man called and hurried off towards the kitchen. He got closer to Jirou and lowered his voice. “That’s your guy? Fuck he’s hot.”

 

“Mhmmm… What about him?”

 

“Ever thought how much money you could make off him?”

 

“The hell,  I ain’t… sharing…” Jirou’s words faded as he started to think through what he said.

 

“I mean fuck I’d pay a lot, just gotta convince him ey.”

 

“You know the basics? Tell me, and I’ll consider.”

 

.

 

Kuroo looked up at Jirou lazily, pretending he didn’t just hear what he asked him. “Huh?”

 

“We could make crazy money off it if you think about it, I’ll give you a fair split and of course as much coke or whatever the hell you like as you want.”

 

Kuroo broke out into a humourless laugh. “You’re joking, right?”

 

Jirou was clearly starting to get irritated but it didn’t faze Kuroo when he leaned down to his ear. “Not much of a fucking choice really, you’re doing it.” he hissed, and yet again Kuroo let himself go to another place. Escaping the reality in front of him.

 

* * *

 

Kenma frowned at Kuroo who paced around the lounge, and was doing so for a good 20 minutes. He set his cup of hot chocolate on the table and obstructed Kuroo’s path, stopping him from pacing any more.

 

“Kuroo. We need to talk.” He said firmly, and Kuroo slowly looked down at the shorter male.

 

“‘Bout what?” Kuroo asked in a low voice.

 

Kenma didn’t know what to say first, and just started up at Kuroo questionly until something came to mind. “Are you on drugs?” Kenma asked flatly and Kuroo flinched at the question.

 

“Why would I be?”

 

“Last time you were here you left a uh…” Kenma held up a small baggie in Kuroo’s face. “In the bathroom. And you’re acting _really_ weird.” Kenma didn’t sound mad or anything, but it still scared Kuroo to even dare admit it. Scared to see that face of pure disappointment. After all, it wasn’t like he had a problem or anything.

 

“Recreational I guess?” Kuroo avoided all eye contact as he knew Kenma was giving him the _look_ right now.

 

“Please tell me the truth. Every time I see you you’re eyes are all crazy, you look like you get no sleep, you’re all jumpy, you look shit in general and you’re super… Just this.” Kenma did a little hand gesture towards Kuroo. “And are you okay?”

 

“Aww thanks Kenma, I know you find me attractive~ and I’m great!”

 

Kenma let out a frustrated sigh. “That was kinda rhetorical. Just say no then tell me what’s wrong, because I know you’re not.”

 

It was like a button was pushed and Kuroo completely flipped. “Fuck sake, I am completely fine!” Kuroo snapped at Kenma, their noses almost touching and the smaller looked like a terrified kitten with Kuroo's crazed face so close to his. “I am so fine, like everything is going so fucking great. My boyfriend is awesome you know, and Daishou is a piece of shit as always but he’s great too. Oh I forgot to mention how fucking great the sex is, I never got this action back at school. My friends are fucking amazing, oh I love everything I fucking love life!” Kuroo's face was increasingly turning more deranged the more he rambled, each word having more spite and venom than the last. His hands trembled visibly and he couldn’t stay still anymore and began to walk around aimlessly again. Kenma glared at Kuroo with wide eyes, shaken by his outburst.

 

“Kuroo… Seriously, what happened?” Kenma reached out towards Kuroo’s arm but was swatted away.

 

“Fucking nothing Kenma! Fuck off already! Shit, you’re so pesty and needy and annoying and fuuuuck, I can’t deal with you.” Kuroo walked off towards the door, not thinking to look back at the pain and hurt in Kenma’s eyes as he left.

 

.

 

Kuroo’s phone rang non stop for around 10 minutes before he gave in to it, the number was unknown.

 

 _“What.”_ He answered, hoping whoever it was had the wrong number.

 

 _“Kuroo?”_ A calm voice came through, it sounded familiar but Kuroo couldn’t guess. _“It’s Akaashi. Kenma called and was having a panic attack, so I went over to him...”_

 

Kuroo’s eyes widened, his mind barely grasping onto the memories of what he even blurted out to Kenma earlier and at the point he didn’t care. _I did care… No, no, no I didn’t hurt Kenma… Fuck!_

 

_“Huh? What is he okay?”_

 

_“He’s more relaxed now but… He said you were here, and that he needs you to come back? I’m not sure what happened but I think he really needs to see you Kuroo.”_

 

_Come back and do what, send him into another panic attack. I’m a fucking useless trash piece of shit ass hole. “No. I can’t, bye.”_

 

Before Akaashi could speak, Kuroo quickly hung up and felt the sweat on his clammy hands as he stared down at his phone. _Why did I do that to Kenma… How the fuck could I do that._ He leaned back and looked towards his bedside table, noticing a boxcutter. Kuroo picked it up and examined it to some extent before stabbing it into his own arm impulsively, the pain didn’t even hit him until a few moments later where he noticed the alarming amount of blood flowing out of the wound. _Well fuck, maybe I have lost it._

 

* * *

 

Jirou slammed Kuroo’s face into the wall violently multiple times while pulling out a few strands of hair in the process. “When the fuck will you learn to stop talking back to me you fucking slut, so you enjoy other people fucking you but you’re such a little bitch with me huh?”

 

“Totally, I mean you gotta admit to yourself that _you’re just so fucking shit_.” Kuroo spat through his bloodied teeth, he had no idea why the hell he was intentionally riling up Jirou knowing it was basically suicide, or maybe that’s what Kuroo was trying to achieve. Jirou pinned Kuroo against the wall and painfully twisted his arm back, on the verge of breaking it.

 

“And if I fucked you right now you’ll cry like the bitch you are, got a big fucking mouth that has better use for sucking dick-”

 

The sound of Jirou’s phone ringing halted the larger man in undoing his belt and he held Kuroo for a few more moments before violently pulling him away from the wall and throwing him to the floor, kicking him in the face before walking off to his phone. He answered the phone with his usual pissed off tone, borderline screaming at the person on the other end for probably no reason other than wanting to kill Kuroo. Kuroo couldn’t move from the floor and stared into nothingness for a while as he cupped his bleeding nose, the taste of his metallic blood filling his mouth and the blood from his nose dripping all down the sides of his face. It wasn’t long before Jirou’s heavy footsteps came back into Kuroo’s hearing range towards him. _I wish he’d just kill me or something._

 

* * *

 

 

 _“Tetsurou my sweet boy… You never come to see me darling.”_ A gentle woman’s voice came through Kuroo’s phone as he left his phone balancing on the side of his head while he stared at the wall.

 

_“Mmm… Been busy, I guess.”_

 

_“Are you well? You don’t sound happy...”_

 

_“I’m fine mum… I need to tell you something though.”_

 

_“Of course, go ahead.”_

 

_“I’m dropping out of Uni.”_

 

The pause was a moment too long and Kuroo began to feel the discomfort in his chest.

 

_“If that’s what you want my darling, but are you sure everything's okay?”_

 

 _“Yeah, I promise.”_ Lying was a second nature at this point. _“How are you anyway, not getting too lonely right?”_

 

 _“Pffff oh Tetsurou, I have a life you know!”_ Her laugh rang like chime bells, it was a comforting sound to Kuroo. For a split moment he felt at peace. _“There’s this handsome young man who’s fixing my radiators, he’s definitely looking at more than the radiators.”_

 

Kuroo laughed, an almost genuine laugh. He really did miss his mother. But guilt flooded his mind as he realised he just let another person down, he knew she was disappointed in him.

 

* * *

 

Snakes. Snakes at every corner Kuroo looked. The fakeness sickened him, yet he was faking along with Jirou, making him just as bad as him. The lie of them having the perfect relationship dripped with lethal venom, the lie of there being happiness and nothing less. It felt like a bear sitting on his chest, carrying these lies around with him and acting with them. He had turned into a fiend for his next fix, even if it meant turning into Jirou as well.

 

The music blared loudly in the cramped house, some people dancing, some sat around smoking, some just talking. The usual. Kuroo held the rolled up note to his nose and vacuumed up the powder, he felt a painful grip on his arm.

 

“Slow the fuck down.” Jirou instructed, his eyes serious and firm. But Kuroo knew he didn’t care about him, Jirou cared about him acting out in public. Kuroo’s facade was beginning to crumble and Jirou struggled to hold it up for him any longer.

 

“Oh boo, I’m just having _fun_ ~” Kuroo gave Jirou a sarcastic grin before leaning down for the next line. He could feel Jirou’s glare burn holes into his head.

 

Daishou leaned over Kuroo after he noticed the atmosphere around him and Jirou. “Jirou’s right you dumb ass, slow down you’ve had loads already.” He hissed, but Kuroo waved him off.

 

“Wow you’re both so fucking annoying, why you being such bores?” Kuroo pouted. Jirou and Daishou looked at each other before turning their concerned expressions towards Kuroo.

 

.

 

Kuroo was sat with a guy whose name he had no idea of and was heavily flirting, either to piss off Jirou or because he was so fucked right now he had no clue what he was doing or just both. Kuroo was trembling uncontrollably, the odd twitch here and there, his eyes couldn't focus on one single thing and worst of all his heart was on the brink of exploding. The anxiety and paranoia was starting to become unbearable but Kuroo still tried to push past it.

 

“Dude… you look like you're-”

 

“Hey, hey wanna kiss?” Kuroo interrupted the guy who just looked at Kuroo in surprise.

 

“No way! Jirou would cave my fucking head in, you're pretty though don't get me wrong.”

 

Kuroo erupted with a dark chuckle. “He won't give a shit! Ass hole sells me out anyway, so as long as there's money.”

 

“Fuck off, you're joking right?”

 

“Mmmmmmm probably… not!” Kuroo leaned towards the table next to the sofa and tipped out a baggie of cocaine into his phone and began crushed it with a card before cutting it up into lines.

 

“Okay shit you need to stop-”

 

“Share it with me then! You can't reject free coke now can you.”

 

The dark haired man stared at Kuroo for a moment, slightly taken aback by his behaviour right now but then shrugged and leaned in to snort a line.

 

“Oho, I didn't expect you to, good on you!” Kuroo hurriedly snorted up the last 3 line and threw himself back on the sofa, his eyes rolling a bit as he rubbed at his nose and sniffled.

 

“It sucks you're taken… you're so hot.” The man looked Kuroo over, licking his lips.

 

“Aw thanks!” Kuroo wasted no time to dive into him with a long sloppy kiss, not pulling away until the man was gasping for air.

 

“Oh shit that was- fuck where's Jirou?”

 

“Over here.” Jirou glared knives at the man who just gawked at him in fear.

 

“Fuck, fuck Jirou listen, he-”

 

“Whoops, sorry my lips slipped.” Kuroo laughed, not giving a damn care in the world that he just sent someone to the grave.

 

The man looked at Kuroo wide eyed and back at Jirou who grabbed him by the collar and brought him close to him. The music was lowered a bit as people started to look over at the scene. Daishou jumped over to the sofa where Kuroo was sat and shook his shoulder.

 

“Kuroo!” He hissed. “Have you gone crazy?!” He tried to keep his voice low but keep it loud enough for Kuroo to hear. But no response came from him. Daishou looked in front of Kuroo and saw his face pale and profusely sweating, his eyes shakily staring at one spot. “Fuck, are you okay?”

 

Another face came close into Kuroo’s line of sight, the host of the party, and slapped his face lightly. “Oi snap out of it Kuroo… you need water?”

 

Kuroo couldn't hear a word that was being said, it was like being underwater and hearing voices on the surface and only the clear sound of your heartbeat banging in your ears. He couldn't even remember where he was, what he was doing here, who was talking to him. “O-outside… mmmneed some air.” He managed to mumble eventually, and the host and Daishou wasted no time to heave him up and get him past the people who were occupied with Jirou beating the crap out of that poor guy. Jirou's attention was redirected to Kuroo leaving through the crowd.

 

“Oi, where d’you lot think you're going?!” Jirou called out and just dropped the guy, shoving everyone out of the way to get to Kuroo, Daishou tried to talk but was interrupted. “Tetsurou? The fuck’s up with you?”

 

Before Jirou could yell anymore, Kuroo's legs completely gave way and he dropped to the floor like a brick. He was ridged for a second as his back arched before convulsing violently on the floor, vomit and saliva foaming up as it was forced through his clenched teeth. His eyelids flickered a bit and his eyes rolled back, Jirou was first to dive down after him and pulled him on his side to stop him from choking.

 

“Fucking hell, someone help him!” Jirou shouted, the panic and distress clear in his voice and Daishou stood frozen over them, unable to to do anything.

 

“I'm calling the ambulance-” the host started.

 

“No, fuck! Just get everyone to fuck off… it'll be fine, he's fine -”

 

“Jirou you fucking idiot he is not fine! He needs to go to hospital!”

 

“This place is basically a fucking drug den!”

 

“Isn't he your boyfriend?! The hell’s wrong with you he needs help!” The words hit a nerve and shut Jirou up for a moment, looking down at Kuroo.

 

“Fuck sake quick then, rest of you stop fucking watching and clear up the place!” Jirou’s voice boomed and no one lingered around to get shouted at again. He directed his attention back at Kuroo who was still seizing. Jirou saw the blood seeping from his mouth and thought he’ll have a hell of a hard time trying to talk later, realising Kuroo just probably bite his tongue almost in half. He placed his jacket under Kuroo's head and gently cupped his face in his hands, moving Kuroo’s hair out of the way. “Shhh you're okay Tetsu, you'll be fine…”

 

.

 

The process in hospital was long, when Kuroo was lucid he was drowned in 100 questions. ’Do you believe you have a problem?’ ‘Do you feel as though you need help?’ ‘Where were the drugs acquired?’ Followed by lectures after lectures about the dangers of drug use. Kuroo simply did what he did best, lied. ‘All recreational!’ ‘No clue, forgot their face.’ ‘It won't happen again.’ ‘I feel totally fine.’ Yet his head felt like it was on fire and he never felt more anxious. He wanted to leave, to get away from the questions and looks of disappointment. The hospital couldn't push anymore and discharged Kuroo after a nights stay, to his surprise Jirou was half asleep in the waiting area.

 

“Um…” Kuroo began as he approached Jirou, who shot up on his feet and had a look of shock and relief on his face.

 

“Oh fuck, you're okay?!” He breathed out, reaching out his hands to touch Kuroo’s face as if to check he was actually there.

 

Kuroo couldn't see through this lie this time. He couldn't see the venom or the fangs. Was it a lie? Was this another act? He couldn't tell. “I’m good… sorry.”

 

“You're a fucking idiot, don't ever get like that again.” Jirou grabbed Kuroo and held him in a tight hug, Kuroo really couldn't tell now. But he did feel safe in those arms. He felt the love again.

 

* * *

 

 

Did things change? Not for long. Jirou couldn't stay in one mood. He couldn't root himself into the loving, caring, fun Jirou that Kuroo fell in love with, and Kuroo was gradually becoming more of an empty shell the longer he let the chains bound him to Jirou. He didn't understand what made those chains so strong, but he couldn't break them no matter how much he wanted.

 

.

 

“So I got a flat now, since leaving Uni. You can share with me again you know.” Daishou playfully nudged Kuroo who just slightly swayed by the force, not really focussed on anything.

 

“I'm staying with Jirou, it's fine.” He muttered, and Daishou sighed loudly before shaking Kuroo's arm to get him to look at him.

 

“He’s really fucked you up you know that right? You need to have some time away from him.”

“Mmmm no he'll kill me if I even dare ask.”

 

“Fucking hell Kuroo, break up with him already if you have to worry about that shit! He already beats you half to death anyway, one day he's actually gonna kill you.”

 

Kuroo broke out into a brittle laugh, shocking Daishou. “Oh I wish.”

 

.

 

In the end, Kuroo did end up moving in with Daishou after lots of harassing from the snake, and a massive fight with Jirou resulting in what felt like broken ribs but Kuroo didn’t want another trip to the hospital to check it out. Nothing new. Daishou was going on about opening the door when someone knocks, because he isn't going to be here to do it. Kuroo was very tempted to just ignore the door but he fought the temptation.

 

The knocking was quiet, Kuroo almost missed it and took his sweet time to walk over and opened it. Who stood there made Kuroo's heart drop, the outgrown dark roots contrasted against the bleached hair and cat like eyes looked up at Kuroo, filled with worry. Kenma looked over the bruises around Kuroo's eyes and cheekbones, noticing his face pale and drawn and looking like nothing like the Kuroo that Kenma knows.

 

“Hi… Kuroo.” Kenma said, Kuroo still stood gawking at him. The realisation hit him that Daishou must have asked him to come.

 

“Hah, Daishou?” Kuroo laughed humorlessly.

 

“Was planning on ringing you or something anyway… you going to let me in?”

 

Kuroo spent a few more moments looking down on Kenma before sighing and opening the door wider to let Kenma in. The shorter man hesitated before walking in past Kuroo.

 

“You're skinnier.” Kenma commented.

 

“Funny, coming from you.”

 

“Tell me what's happening. Seriously.” Kenma jumped straight to the point and looked Kuroo dead in the eyes. No response came from the taller man. “Your face,” Kenma paused and stared at Kuroo, wondering how he out of everyone managed to let things get this bad, “from your boyfriend?” The amount of spite that sounded as Kenma said boyfriend felt like a knife in Kuroo's chest.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Stop lying Kuroo. You can't stay with him, whoever the hell he is. Can't you see what it's doing to you?”

 

“I couldn’t ask for a more loving man~” The words dripped with sarcasm.

 

Kenma wanted to scream at him, hoping the shrill sound would somehow get through this indestructible barrier blocking him from Kuroo. “Daishou told me about the overdose as well. You need help-”

 

“Aw come on Kenma, are you always gonna do this? Can't we just say hi how are you and leave it at that?”

 

“Kuroo you can't expect me to just look past the fact that you're destroying yourself and you won’t even talk to me anymore! You've changed and you're in so much stupid denial you can't see yourself right.” Kuroo couldn't remember the last time he had seen Kenma shout, to sound angry, to range further from his usual uncaring tone.

 

“There is nothing wrong.” Kuroo lied through his teeth, his eyes gazing into nothing. Kuroo began to wonder to himself why he was fighting so hard to protect Jirou, why did he love him this much to put himself in the ditch? What spell did Jirou have over him to push him to this level of low? These were the questions he buried again and again as he could never answer them.

 

Kenma could do nothing but stare up at Kuroo, his eyes wide with shock and disbelief. “I… can't help you Kuroo. Not when you won't admit that you need help.” Kenma paused and looked towards the window. “So I won't bother you anymore, I won't have anything to do with you _unless_ you learn to fix this yourself. Because whoever I'm talking to right now… is not Kuroo.”

 

The words were drowned out behind the ringing in Kuroo’s ears. He internally screamed at himself to say something, to stop Kenma from leaving that door, to say he's sorry. But nothing came out but a blank stare and painful silence.

 

_Please don't leave me._

 

* * *

 

The man squirmed underneath Kuroo, who was sat on his chest and pinning his arms down with his feet as he smoked a cigarette. Daishou was stood snickering not too far away and Matsuo sat next to the two and pinched the man’s cheeks painfully.

 

“Eh… What’d he even do again?” Daishou asked.

 

“Well my friend,” Matsuo began shaking the trembling man’s head side to side as he clung into his cheek, “Someone thought they could get away with short changing me, again.” He tutted and waved his finger in his face. “You don’t learn do you?”

 

“Heeey I remember you, you’re the dick who kept harassing those girls the other night.” Kuroo laughed and leaned down closer to the man’s face.

 

“Oh no, that’s crossing a line huh? You’re an ass hole in every aspect. Tetsu, shall we teach him a lesson?” Matsuo asked, and Daishou’s expression changed from giggles to uncertainty.

 

His eyes widened with fear and began to struggle more under Kuroo’s weight. “W-what? Fuck I didn’t even fucking short change you! The fucking money is right there-”

 

“Shhhh, come on he can count y’know.” Kuroo interrupted him, taking his cigarette out of his mouth and putting it close to his face. The terrified man stared in horror as he watched the ash begin to build up, ready to fall on him at any given moment. Matsuo began laughing like a hyena and Daishou walked closer.

 

“Hey I think he gets it.” Daishou mumbled and Kuroo raised an eyebrow.

 

“You think?” He put the cigarette closer to his eye and he let out a sort of choked animal cry, trying his best to get away. “The more you move the more likely it’s gonna fall.”

 

“I’m fucking sorry okay?! I’ll get more money, I’ll fucking pay you double!”

 

Kuroo’s eyes were half lidded as he looked down at the man with his listless eyes. He could just hear Daishou saying something in the background but he put him on mute as he pushed the cigarette into the man’s eye, the man screaming in agony and thrashing about violently. Matsuo grabbed him in an attempt to keep him still and carried on laughing.

 

“Woaaaah, now that’s a scream!” Matsuo exclaimed. Kuroo was still holding the cigarette in his eye and it took Daishou to yank him off the man.

 

“Kuroo what the hell!” He shouted, face filled with shock.

 

“Karma I guess.” Kuroo said nonchalantly.

 

Daishou opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out for a moment. His face dropped to a frown as he stared Kuroo down. “You know… You’re basically just a second Jirou.”

 

Kuroo felt his heart skip a beat as he stared back at Daishou, wanting to punch him for saying something so insulting and dumb. But he realised what he just did _was_ a very Jirou thing for him to do.  A low ‘ooo’ sound came from Matsuo in the background who was still holding the man down and Kuroo just looked on in silence.

 

“Come on you drama queens, let's get back to the party.” Matsuo said, patting down his trousers as he stood up from where the man was still laying, trembling and crying out of his good eye.

 

 

The night was hitting close to 4am and Kuroo decided to go on a dumb drive, still blinded by alcohol and cocaine and didn’t notice he was going 60 mph over the speed limit. Blue lights flashed at the corners of Kuroo’s vision and the sound of ‘you fucked up’ sounded behind him. _Oh fuck._

 

He gradually began to slow down as the police car tailed him and pulled him over and Kuroo sat fidgeting in his seat, half tempted to just drive off and crash somewhere to kill himself to avoid this right now. The officer knocked on the window and Kuroo rolled it down, slowly turning his head to face him.

 

“You understand why you’re being pulled over, right?” The officer said, his voice deep and strict. Kuroo just shrugged, not bothering to let any words out to save himself. “Do you realise how fast you were going? I’m going to need you to step outside your vehicle please.”

 

Kuroo could barely hear him, he was so drunk and way too high to process what was actually happening right now, the police officer ended up opening the door for him and waited for him to move. “Mmm how much shit am I in?” Kuroo asked as he stumbled out of his car. The officer just looked at him and shook his head.

 

“By the looks of it, a lot. What were you thinking?”

 

“Dunno, really.” Kuroo’s voice lacked any life behind it, sounding as if though he just gave up on everything.

 

.

 

Kuroo wasn’t new to questioning, but he was new to a police station. They pushed harder than what the hospital did when he was last in there, which felt like centuries ago at this point. The officer who brought him in wasn’t as harsh as Kuroo expected pretty much every officer to be, instead he acted like a fed up dad dealing with someone dumb and young. Exactly what Kuroo was at this moment.

 

He ended up being kept over night, not getting a wink of sleep and listened to the clanging of key and doors being opened and shut all night. To Kuroo’s surprise, he was being let off with a caution, nothing but a smack on the hand for driving while under the influence of alcohol and drugs, as well as being in possession for a small amount of cocaine. Of course, the police have bigger issues to deal with so Kuroo’s biggest punishment was a stained record.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t all doom and gloom however, or at least that’s what Kuroo convinced himself. There were always nights where it was filled with dumb, stupid, immature things. But all fun in the very least. Those times they made drunken scenes in McDonald’s, the times they danced in the middle of the street high on about 5 different drugs on a busy saturday night blocking the taxi’s, harassing bystanders and annoying bouncers outside the clubs. Those times they got a kick out of provocating random people into fights, taking advantage of their drunken state and battered them down with ease. Those times where Kuroo and Daishou stole trolleys from tesco to push each other down steep down hill streets. It may have ended in bruises, broken bones and concussions but it was all fun and games. And those times where Jirou whispered I love you’s and touched Kuroo gently, Kuroo never took those good days for granted and drank up every ounce of happiness from those moments so he could at least make it through the worse days. But those good days got rarer with each coming day.

 

Kuroo would describe his life as _exciting, fun, and wouldn’t change it for the world_ . A lie he eventually fell for himself, a lie that felt like needles under his skin constantly, yet the lie that helped him survive about 10 mental breakdowns. Because _it’ll get better_ , he said. _Other people have it worse. Tomorrow will be a better day_ , Kuroo told himself every night. _Because Jirou really loves me, and I really love the wonderland he gives me._

 

* * *

 

Round, bright golden eyes met with Kuroo’s under the flashing fluorescent lights of the bar. Kuroo felt lost in them, running his eyes over the man’s face. He could barely make out his face properly, but he went with his drunken attraction anyway, no shame felt in betraying Jirou. _He won't know about it._

 

“Waaaaoow man you’re fucking hot! Are your eyes real?!” Kuroo shouted over the music at the man him front of him, who looked like a stunned _owl_ . _An owl..._

 

“Oh! Yeah all natural man… Hey do I know you?”

 

“Dunno, I can’t even see straight! Bro… brooo man I know you hey…” _The name is right there… Why won’t it click._

 

“Yeah man you look- Fuck… Kuroo?”

 

A strange feeling, or even a feeling Kuroo couldn’t remember the last time he felt, grew in his chest. The warm feeling of true happiness right there and then. His face was clearer now, and the realisation dawning on Kuroo as he looked at his owl like old friend. It felt like being pulled out of a grave and seeing the light for the first time in centuries. Kuroo was pretty sure he was going crazy, but he saw _wings_ . _Maybe today is that better day._


	8. Pool of Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is good enough relief from the constant angst oho //shot I should also mention that this fic has veeeeeeeeeeery little to do with Alice in Wonderland, if nothing to do with it at all apart from a reference to being in a different world.

Bokuto’s confrontation definitely worked with bringing him and Kuroo closer, but he found that the more time he spent with him, the more the ‘other’ Kuroo was beginning to unravel. Bokuto couldn’t bring himself to say he disliked it even if he did, but it was like an uncontrolled forest fire that burnt anything and everything it touched, in this case it was burning Bokuto.

 

Kuroo was lingering around the alcohol section of the store with sunglasses on when it wasn’t even sunny, let alone the fact they’re indoors. Bokuto stood close to Kuroo and looked between him and whatever he was staring at before speaking up. “Uh, what are you doin-”

 

“You know, around 20% of the oxygen in the atmosphere is produced by the Amazon rainforest.” Kuroo blurted out of nowhere.

 

“Huh, really?”

 

“Yeah, so people should really think before cutting down those trees…” Kuroo hummed and started walking up the aisle, slightly rigid as if he… _Had something up his hoodie?_

 

“Kuroo-”

 

“I mean humans are such destructive assholes huh?” Kuroo swivelled round and got up in Bokuto’s face, startling the latter. “So I’d rather be a cat. Not a damn care in the world.” He began walking towards the exit and Bokuto felt the panic begin to build up in his chest.

 

 _It’s fine, he didn’t take anything… Yeah I’m just being paranoid._ As they turned a corner a few shops away from the store they just left, Kuroo let out a dramatic sigh.

 

“Shit I thought I was gonna get caught then, did you see how that security guy was eying us?” Kuroo whined, and Bokuto just stared at him in disbelief. “Oh thanks for holding this.” Kuroo dipped his hand into Bokuto’s pocket and pulled out 4 lighters. _Oh no he didn’t..._

 

“Kuroo what the fuck man! You did not just-”

 

“Relax Bo! We got away right?” Kuroo snickered, and Bokuto felt sick to his stomach. This wasn’t the first time Bokuto had been Kuroo’s unknowing partner in shoplifting.

 

“Seriously we’re gonna get in so much shit!” The panic and distress was clear in Bokuto’s voice, but Kuroo just howled out a laugh like it was nothing and that really irritated Bokuto. “Fuck Kuroo, quit getting me involved with that shit…”

 

Kuroo roughly hooked his arm around the back of Bokuto’s neck and pulled him in. “Aw what the hell, why you being such a bore. Have some fun!” He pouted. Kuroo pulled away to pull out the bottle of alcohol he somehow stuffed up his hoodie and smiled proudly at it. “Want some now?”

 

“Kuroo have you gone crazy…?” Bokuto asked, half a serious question as Kuroo’s behaviour was getting increasingly worse. Or maybe he was always like that but Bokuto never saw enough of him to judge this side of him. Kuroo laughed again before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with his newly stolen lighter. “I’ve gotta go now anyway…” Bokuto lied, knowing all he’s gonna do at home was watch T.V.

 

“Oh really? Come on don’t be like that, I’m sorry!” Kuroo put up a hurt expression and put his hands together in a pray, pleading Bokuto to stay.

 

“Okay… Not more shop lifting though.” Bokuto instructed and Kuroo pulled a face.  

 

“I’ll make a deal… One more, and I won’t do it again. But you gotta help me.”

 

“Kuroo fuck-”

 

“Never. Again. Good deal huh?”

 

Every cell in Bokuto’s body screamed at him to just go home and ditch Kuroo for today, but his desperation to keep Kuroo with him got the better of him. He knew it was wrong, and all he could think of was Akaashi’s disappointed face. “Geez, we’re like 21. This is so dumb… But fine.”

 

Kuroo’s toothy grin spread across his face and put his arm around Bokuto again. “Pfff, since when do we grow up? We’re the lost boys in neverland.” Bokuto felt himself pull a mischievous grin along with Kuroo, the sheer nostalgia of the two of them up to no good in the past motivating Bokuto to go against his morals.

 

.

 

The two bickered over who was going to do the distracting rambling and who was going to do the actual stealing, Bokuto managed to win by sticking with the talking while Kuroo does his thing. This all felt so wrong to Bokuto, he works around young people and out of work hours he’s doing _this_ . _This is so fucked up._

 

“So like how does this work? Like, the specifics… Like I wanna know what I’m buying before I actually get it y’know?” Bokuto rambled on about some item he brought to the counter and the man at the till looked at him strangely before proceeding to explain. Meanwhile, Kuroo was strolling around the store filling his pockets, his trousers, even his pants with anything that would fit. He totally didn’t look suspicious or anything with those dumb sunglasses he robbed from another store.

 

“That’s all I need to know? Seems way too brief… Can you like, go through this part again?” Bokuto was at his limit with distracting the clerk, who was starting to suspect that something was up and Bokuto did a quick glance at Kuroo to see if he was anywhere close to done. He walk literally grabbing anything he could like a scavenger and Bokuto held himself back from laughing. _The hell, this isn’t funny Bokuto this is fucked up!_ Bokuto mentally cursed at himself for even briefly finding this fun. The ring of the door opening drew attention from Bokuto and Kuroo, and the man looked at Kuroo in horror.

 

“H-hey you’re-” He began but was stopped by Kuroo running over to him.

 

“John! Oh John so good to see you, how’ve you been huh?” Kuroo said a bit too loud, Bokuto taking that as a signal they need to get going. _Seriously Kuroo, John?_

 

The man looked at Kuroo like he was a mad man and Bokuto quickly made his exit, Kuroo following not too far behind. The sounds of shouting could be heard from inside the store and the two broke out into a sprint.

 

“Fuck, run Bo!” Kuroo’s voice didn’t have a trace of panic, and instead he was on the brink of laughing. Bokuto wanted nothing more than to slap Kuroo at this point.

 

“Oh my god they’re gonna-”

 

“Just run! They can’t catch up to us.” Kuroo was right, the two had already ran far enough to be in a completely different area already and lost sight of the shop all together. They began to slow down to blend in with the other people and panted from the sudden run. They received a few side glances from people walking past, obviously wondering why the hell they were running for.

 

“Never…” Bokuto stopped to catch his breath for a moment. “...Again Kuroo… We’re done right?”

 

“Hah, yeah… Don’t tell me that wasn’t fun.”

 

 _Fun? It was stupid and fuck, so irresponsible we could get arrested, I can never show my face around there ever again-_ “Was fucking thrilling.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto swung open the door to his shared flat with Kuroo following behind and heard 3 voices. _Daichi, Suga and…_ Bokuto slapped his hand on Kuroo’s mouth before he could make any sound and tried to listen hard. “Hey, hey, hey… Doesn’t that sound like…” He whispered, looking at Kuroo for an answer but Kuroo just looked like he couldn’t hear a single voice to begin with.

 

“Oh Bokuto and Kuroo, stop hovering by the door and come see who’s here.” Daichi caught the two and Bokuto looked like a frightened owl. He walked on forward while holding Kuroo by his sleeve, peeking around the corner into the lounge area. To his surprise, the mystery voice belong to none other than…

 

“No way, four-eyes!” Bokuto shouted in excitement and Tsukishima gave him the usual annoyed uninterested look, some things didn’t change. Kuroo was second to pop his head round the corner and widened his eyes, but no words left his mouth.

 

“Hey Bokuto, Kuroo.” Tsukishima waved at the two gawkers.

 

“Tsukishima has a few weeks off and decided to come see his good old captain.” Daichi laughed, patting Tsukishima on the back hard enough to shift the skinnier man forward a few inches. Bokuto and Kuroo wasted no more time to basically jump on the blonde and crush him in a group hug.

 

“Aw shit, if it isn’t lanky Tsukki!” Yelled Kuroo, and Tsukishima gave him the same face he always gave at anyone who wasn’t Yamaguchi who called him that.

 

“Damn you’re both heavy get off already-” Tsukishima began, but was interrupted by the two former captains talking loudly over him, asking 100 questions at once and giving him no space to fit in any words. Daichi and Sugawara laughed at the little pileup going on and left Tsukishima to fend for himself against the cat and the owl.

 

.

 

“Hey, hey so Tsukki… how long you staying in Tokyo for?” Bokuto asked, crossing all of Tsukishima’s personal space boundaries as he leaned in close to his face.

 

“A little while I guess, Suga mentioned you got a job?” Tsukishima answered as he backed away from Bokuto.

 

“Yeah!” He yelled in his face, causing the other to flinch at his loud voice. “Fitness instructor aaaaand volleyball coach! The team was pretty hopeless but Bokuto saves the day, obviously. Like what the hell would they have done without me?” Bokuto went on and on and Tsukishima wished he never brought it up, although he was proud of Bokuto to some extent. The two were interrupted as Kuroo plonked himself down on the sofa with a loud groan, holding a red stained tissue to his nose.

 

“Did you punch yourself in the face or something?” Bokuto asked, most likely being serious and Tsukishima pulled a face.

 

“Dude it's actually like a face period, it won't stop.”

 

“It'd be funny if he actually went on for… wait how long are periods?” Bokuto asked and both him and Kuroo looked towards Tsukishima.

 

“Do I look like a girl to you? But if you must know, a week or something.” Tsukishima answered bluntly and left the other two snickering.

 

“You're as pretty as one~” Kuroo hummed and Bokuto laughed, slapping Tsukishima on the back who was knocked forwards by the force.

 

Tsukishima kissed his teeth before he spoke, “You're both still annoying as hell.”

 

“Boooo, where's the love Tsukki?” Kuroo whined. He looked at his phone for a moment before sighing. “Nice to see you Tsukki, but I gotta go.”

 

“No what the hell we just got here?!” Bokuto protested, grabbing Kuroo’s arm as he stood up.

 

“I’ve been for for like what, and hour already! I’ll see you later Bo.” Kuroo smiled down at Bokuto who was giving him none other than his kicked puppy face.

 

“Ah okay, bye Kuroo.” Tsukishima said.

 

.

 

Bokuto looked like a lost puppy as Tsukishima, Daichi and Suga talked amongst themselves. He couldn’t do much other than stay in the corner and carry on sulking.

 

“Eh what’s wrong, honestly can’t live without your bum buddy?” Tsukishima asked in a mocking tone.

 

“That’s what love sickness does~” Sugawara said happily, “Come closer to us Bokuto so you can actually get involved. You can’t sit there in the background all night.”

 

“I mean, be honest… Does he even look like he likes me back?” Bokuto blurted out, regretting it instantly as the room went silent at the question.

 

“Well of course, he’s looks at you the same way you look at him… It’s just…” Daichi furrowed his brows as he looked for the right words. “I think you’re both just waiting for each other to make the first move.”

 

“But… we’ve kissed already and stuff!” Bokuto whined, still not getting it.

 

Tsukishima snickered at him. “Anyone can kiss and leave it at that.”

 

“Tsukishima is right, you can’t expect things to bloom from a kiss alone! You gotta put more into it… Like ask him on a date!” Sugawara said, Bokuto perking up at the word date.

 

 _Date? I don’t know how to date…_ “I… Have no idea how to do a date.” Bokuto said sheepishly, the other three sighing at him.

 

“Come on Bokuto I’m sure you’ve been on dates before!” Daichi said.

 

“Well, yeah! But… I literally never actually knew what I was doing!”

 

Sugawara hummed, putting on his thinking face. “When’s your next day off?”

 

“Tomorrow maybe… Yeah tomorrow!”

 

“Right, call Kuroo and say you two are gonna hang out tomorrow. Go to some café, go to the arcade, the cinema, anything!”

 

“We hang out anyway though!” _Shoplifting mostly..._

 

“The difference this time is that you’re gonna tell Kuroo ‘this is a date’. And make it very clear it’s a date. It’ll move you past the regular friendship hanging out you’re doing at the moment.” Sugawara was being stared at like he was some kind of saint, even Tsukishima looked in awe at him. “I mean… That’s at least what me and Daichi did.” He giggled a bit.

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto routinely rang Kuroo about every hour, knowing he was most likely not going to pick up as usual but Bokuto couldn’t help himself. He was too nervous and excited at the same time to wait until the next day. The night was hitting close to 2am and Bokuto was on the verge of giving up.

 

 _“Bo… why the hell are you still awake?”_ Kuroo’s rough voice startled Bokuto, not expecting him to actually pick up.

 

 _“Oh my god, finally! Kuroo, Kuroo, Kuroo, okay… Okay shit um…”_ Bokuto felt like there was a hand on his voice box or something, stopping him from saying any more.

 

_“Yes that’s my name.”_

 

_“Shhhh, shut up! D-date!”_

 

_“Huh?”_

 

_“Tomorrow… Will you come on a date with me? We’ll go eat something, do shit or something I dunno. But not the shitty shoplifting. Like let’s go on a completely normal… date.”_

 

Kuroo's end went silent, and Bokuto began to shift nervously.

 

_“Bokuto is asking me on a date?! My heart… Yeah let’s do it.”_

 

_That was… easy?_

 

_“What? Really?”_

 

_“Nooo, I’ll reject you then-”_

 

_“No, no fuck that’s great! Wait I don’t actually know what we’re gonna do…”_

 

_“Like you said, eat somewhere then we’ll improvise from there!”_

 

_“Bro…. Yeah! Night Kuroo.”_

 

_“Night Bo.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto tried on and threw off at least 7 different outfits in the early hours of the morning, unable to decide what he wanted to wear. He finally settled on wearing a plaid shirt with jeans and a light black jacket. _Why am I so nervous… It’s just Kuroo! Kuroo would not even make this much effort… Fuck it, I’m gonna look fab._ They had agreed for Kuroo to come over at 12pm and Bokuto found himself getting more shakes and nerves the closer it got to that time. He was still in disbelief that Kuroo actually accepted so easily, seeing how closed off he usually is. _I really don’t get you Kuroo._

 

Bokuto was doing the finishing touches to perfect his hair, as usual, before a knock at the front door startled him and accidentally pulled a single hair out of place. “Oh fuck.” Bokuto muttered and hurriedly tried to fix it before jogging over to the door. He took a deep breath before opening the door, feeling like a nervous school girl on her first date. _I am literally a nervous school girl what the fuck._ Bokuto’s golden eyes widened when he saw Kuroo looking so _nice_. He was always attractive to Bokuto but today he just looked really nice, there was something different. Kuroo was wearing a large black coat with a fur trimmed hood over a baggy red sweater and black jeans that hugged his legs slightly. His ankles were showing and he was wearing typical white worn converse shoes, Bokuto took in every detail trying to figure out what was different. Maybe it was the red? He hadn’t seen Kuroo wear red much since reuniting, it was usually always blacks and greys. Bokuto’s eyes eventually made their way back up to Kuroo’s face and saw glasses.

 

Kuroo raised his eyebrows at Bokuto. “Wow, you look-”

 

“Beautiful.” Bokuto blurted out, and Kuroo’s eyes widened for a moment before laughing. It took Bokuto a moment to catch onto what just left his mouth and his face warmed to a pink. “Oh- Shit sorry…”

 

“Nope, was gonna say the same thing.”

 

Bokuto couldn’t resist smiling, he stood there like an idiot grinning for a while before it hit him. “Wait, wait… You’re a four-eyes too?!”

 

“Figured I’m gonna have to see what I wanna eat so… I don’t normally wear them-” Kuroo was interrupted by Bokuto snatched them off his face and putting them on himself, squinting into them.

 

“Fucking hell you’re actually pretty blind! How come it’s only now I’m finding out about this?”

 

“They’re annoying as hell! And besides, if I wore them every day I’d 100% break them or something… Fucking things are expensive too.”

 

Bokuto took the glasses off and gently placed them back on Kuroo’s face, holding onto the sides of his glasses for a long moment before pulling away. “You look great with and without… But damn this new sight is a treat!”

 

Kuroo smiled brightly at Bokuto and the owl finally figured what was so different about Kuroo. He actually looked _happy_ for once, like he was glowing with it. And it was extremely contagious.

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto and Kuroo settled in a small café which Bokuto was raving about the entire walk there, and kept to themselves in the corner of the small cute café as they scanned through the menu. Kuroo looked up to Bokuto who was leaned back and not even looking at the menu anymore and was just fanning himself with the laminated paper.

 

“Already decided?” Kuroo asked.

 

“Pancakes for sure, like bro I’m not kidding there’s literally no better place for pancakes! Try it! I promise you’ll love it.” Bokuto rambled excitedly.

 

Kuroo hummed to himself and looked back down at the menu. “Actually feeling the arrival of a sweet tooth… I’m up for it.” Bokuto made a fist and did a silent rejoice as he stood up.

 

“Wooo! Okay I’ll go order it, don’t move okay?”

 

“Why would I move if I’m about to get fed?”

 

“Hell, I dunno you’re so unpredictable!” Kuroo began laughing and Bokuto hurried off towards the counter. Kuroo watched Bokuto order the food with quite a lot of energy, feeling sorry for the lady serving him as she clearly found it hard to keep up with his fast, hyped up speech.

 

.

 

Once they finished in the café, which was proven to Kuroo to have the best pancakes, they wandered around town for the rest of the day looking at shops, buying games and wasting their money in the arcade to let out their inner competitiveness with each other. Bokuto loved and missed this feeling, it was finally beginning to feel like the older times in school. _So nostalgic._

 

Bokuto turned his head to watch Kuroo as they began to walk back to his flat, watching his clouded breath in the cool air, watching how his nose was reddened slightly and sniffled, watching him just look amazing. Bokuto couldn’t rip his eyes away from Kuroo, he wanted to reach out and touch him or something. Something to prove that today was really happening.

 

“Hey Kuroo… do you wanna like…” Bokuto looked towards the ground and felt his ears warm up and tingle. Kuroo turned his head to look at him. “...Hold hands? I mean we totally don’t have to it’s just an id-”

 

Kuroo silence Bokuto by grabbing his hand, not making a big deal out of it at all. He just smiled at him.  “You’re so cute when you’re nervous.” His voice sounded content.

 

“We’re totally gonna have more dates, right?”

 

“Of course, today’s fun.” Kuroo breathed in deep before speaking again. “Sorry, I kinda replied on you to ask first. Didn’t know whether or not you wanna do this stuff.”

 

 _Daichi was right afterall…_ “Ahah, same bro. I was so scared you have no idea.”

 

“Dude, I know. Me too.” Kuroo’s pace began to slow down and Bokuto turned and looked back at him. He had an unreadable expression but Bokuto sensed something was wrong.

 

“Kuroo?”

 

“Oh, it’s nothing. Hey I’m glad we found each other again y’know…” Kuroo’s voice began to revert to how it’s been for the last several weeks, dull and losing the glow he had all day. _If he’s happy, then why does he seem so sad?_

 

Bokuto frowned, he didn’t understand what was wrong. Kuroo seemed so happy 5 seconds ago. “Same bro… Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

There it was, the familiar forced, fake smile Kuroo perfected. Bokuto had learnt to see past it by now, and that was the smile that stabbed him in the heart. Bokuto realised Kuroo was still curled up into a tight ball, letting nothing out and letting nothing in, and it was to take a whole lot more to get him to open up.

 

.*

 

Kuroo almost forgot Jirou telling him to go round to his later on, and had to change his walking direction from heading to Daishou’s. _What a bother._ Kuroo placed his glasses in his pocket before entering the flat, a precaution for the possibility that Jirou might surprise whack him in the face for whatever reason and break them. He hastily walked in, as he normally does. The fear completely involuntary even though Kuroo constantly tells himself that he’s used to it and it’s all fine.

 

Kuroo almost jumped out of his skin as Jirou stepped around the corner suddenly, whether scaring him was intentional or not Kuroo didn’t know, but knowing Jirou it probably was. “Oh my cute Tetsu is back… You look nice.” Jirou said, looking Kuroo over. “Red suits you.”

 

“Thanks.” Kuroo mumbled and Jirou pulled him into a kiss but Kuroo didn’t kiss back. When Jirou pulled away slowly he gave him a strange look.

 

“Huh… Who were you with today?”

 

Kuroo could already feel the sweat building up on his back. “A friend.”

 

Jirou laughed in his face. “Who? Daishou?”

 

“I have other friends actually.” Kuroo pulled Jirou’s hand off him and walked past him into the lounge, the taller man following close behind.

 

“That’s a shock… Who are they? Do I know them?”

 

“Nope, no one you need to know really.”

 

“You’re funny…” Jirou grabbed Kuroo’s shoulder and yanked, turning him around to face him. “Who is it?”

 

“Why you desperate to know? Thinking I’m gonna elope with them?” Kuroo mocked, he was starting to think he’s actually lost a few screws to even test Jirou like that.

 

Jirou gave Kuroo a chilling stare down for a moment before cracking up into a laugh. “Oh I know you wouldn’t.” Jirou brushed past Kuroo as he made his way to the table and started to burn a spoon with a lighter. “You want some, right?”

 

“Obviously, why are you even asking.” Kuroo jumped onto the sofa with Jirou and shrugged off his coat, suddenly his only need and want is the intense high that sits him up on clouds.

 

“Ehhh wow you’ve lost interest in coke quickly… Told you this is better.”

 

“Oh I still like it… Smack is so relaxing though.”

 

“Come over to the room so we can chill better.” Jirou stood up and Kuroo wasted no time to follow after him like a dog after his treat. “You got work later don’t forget.” Jirou added, but Kuroo didn’t even care. He just wanted that hit.

 

.

 

Kuroo groggily awakened with a groan, a sharp sting on his face and a distant voice above him. He realised how incredibly sore he was feeling but at the same time so fuzzy and nice. Kuroo received another stinging slap to the face and he cracked open his eyes a bit more, turning his head straight to look at Jirou above him.

 

“Oi stop passing out already, you better not be nodding off like this later.” Jirou breathed heavily over him, it took Kuroo a while to remember what he was doing and squirmed a bit, Jirou pinned Kuroo’s arms down. Not like Kuroo could do much with them anyway with how much he was drifting in and out of sleep.

 

“Fuuuck, Jirou why don’t you use lube…” Kuroo slurred his speech a bit and scrunched his nose a bit as he started to feel the pain more.

 

“I spat that's good enough, stop complaining.”

 

Kuroo let his eyes wander around the room as Jirou fucked him, letting his mind wander along with it. He soon regretted that as all he could think about was Bokuto. Bokuto, who was so clearly in love with him. Bokuto who had such high hopes for him and Kuroo. Bokuto who _trusted_ Kuroo. They even went on a date, and Kuroo knew he should have declined. He shouldn’t even be talking to Bokuto. He just managed to push himself down further and further down the well and didn’t see any chances of making it back out at this point.

 

 _Jirou finds out about Bokuto… Probably kill him and rip off my dick. Bokuto finds out about Jirou… will see me as a liar and a cheat and a totally unfaithful person that was just fucking with him. Ouch. I ditch Bokuto without telling him about Jirou… I’ll lose every chance I have to see him again most likely. I ditch Jirou… He’ll just flat out kill me._ Kuroo was so lost in thought about his unrealistic options that he didn’t realise Jirou had finished. _Actually that last option seems good._ Kuroo was intentionally leaving out the main point he’s stuck with Jirou is the constant _supply_ , meaning whatever path he chooses he’ll still end up back here because he couldn’t live without his escape from reality.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh my god Daishou, what the fuck am I doing?! I don’t know what to do!” Kuroo yelled, his words frantic and filled with panic and Daishou just looked up at him from the sofa.

 

“Go for Bokuto, he won’t break your bones at least.” Daishou sighed.

 

“I fucking can’t, Jirou- He’ll…” Kuroo let out a sound of frustration, making Daishou jump. “That’s not even the question! Okay whatever, I’ll go kill myself that sounds like a better plan-”

 

“Fuck, shut up Kuroo. Don’t even say shit like that because you’re probably being serious.”

 

“What do I do… Why did you even let me drag Bokuto into this?!”

 

“Well I did say you couldn't date him… You said you didn’t plan on it. And now look.” Daishou stood up and walked towards Kuroo. “Kuroo. You need to tell Bokuto if you want him in your life.”

 

“Okay, wow when did you start getting all wise.”

 

“It’s common sense. You need to tell him _everything_. He’ll understand the situation and won’t hate you like you’re so convinced he’s gonna do.”

 

“Hah… Yeah. End of the day I got myself into this shit hole so I kinda deserve it.”

 

Daishou punched Kuroo in the arm, who glared daggers at him. “We all fell for Jirou’s act, stop blaming yourself all the damn time.” He kissed his teeth and walked away from Kuroo, who stood staring at nothing. “You're are beyond stupid to let it get to this point though.” _It's fine. I won't talk to Bokuto. I’ll stop it right now, it'll be easy. It was easy enough to not talk to him for 3 years._

 

* * *

 

 

Like hell it was easy. Bokuto text and rang Kuroo at every chance he got, and Kuroo found himself never hesitating to answer and reply. He never turned down a single date which turned into an almost daily thing, he was already basically _with_ Bokuto at this point. _What a big fucking mistake._ Kuroo couldn't cut the rope that brought him and Bokuto closer with each coming day, and if he tried to pull away he’d get rope burn. It was unbearable to have a single day without Bokuto, Kuroo completely relied on him to be his rock.

 

As the distance closed between Kuroo and Bokuto, the distance grew miles apart between Kuroo and Jirou. With Jirou noticing this he began to get more violent, meaner, more controlling and most definitely more possessive. He had no problem with manipulating Kuroo with dangling the drugs on a fishing rod in which Kuroo was completely dependant on, but he always fought to hold onto Bokuto no matter how many times he got reeled in. The guilt grew heavier and heavier as Kuroo faked himself for Bokuto. Bokuto still didn't know a single thing, and it was unfair.

 

.

 

“Seriously bro, don’t you get too hot in that?” Bokuto’s voice startled Kuroo away from his daydreaming.

 

“Dude, it’s like nearly winter.” Kuroo shot back and Bokuto raised his eyebrows at him.

 

“It’s only September! Besides, you’ve always worn those damn sweaters even in summer. The heater is always high in here so you won’t get cold…” Bokuto shuffled closer to Kuroo and put an arm around him. “Ooor you could use me to warm up.”

 

Kuroo laughed and snuggled up to Bokuto. “My personal heater, I couldn’t ask for more~” He began to squirm a bit to reach his phone and looked at his lock screen. _13th September._ “So Bo… I’d have expected you to be going crazy about how it’s nearly your birthday by now.”

 

Bokuto looked at Kuroo in surprise. “Oh shit, you remember?”

 

“Jesus Bo, who do you think I am?”

 

“Okay, okay I was testing you!” Bokuto laughed. “Since you always seem so detached with everything else…” He mumbled and Kuroo looked over.

 

“Huuuh, what was that?”

 

“Nope, nothing!”

 

“Well, I’ve already got your presents. Planned it since like at the start of July.”

 

“What? Fuck off, really?” Bokuto’s mouth was hanging open and his eyes looked like they didn’t know whether to cry or not.

 

“As I always did- okay maybe not the last few years but…” Guilt was dirtily mixed into his words. “Right now…”

 

“Oh forget about that, I’m happy you’re around now!” Bokuto pulled Kuroo with his hook arm around his neck and ruffled his hair roughly, Kuroo struggling to get out of Bokuto’s headlock. “Wait, wait… What’s my present?!”

 

“I’m not telling you!”

 

“Aw come on we’re only like…” Bokuto started counting his fingers on his free hand, still holding Kuroo with his other. “...7 day- a week away!”

 

“So it be a week till you can see your present.”

 

“Noooo Kurooooo, just a hint?!”

 

.*

 

The ringing alarm blared through Bokuto’s dreamworld and dragged him into the waking world and he attempted to open his eyes. A tiny crack in the curtains let in way more light than what Bokuto could handle waking up to and he squashed a pillow onto his face, groaning into it. Bokuto began to feel like he was surrounded by something, or like a weight on the bed of some sort and removed the pillow as he sat up. Bokuto’s sleep had completely vanished as he gawked at the sight. Owls. Lots, and lots of stuffed owl plushies ranging in different sizes and some of them was so huge they may as well had a person in it. There were at least 30 owls stuffed into Bokuto small room and he found himself begin to laugh hysterically. _Who the fuck…_ He looked towards the pillow of the other side of the bed and spotted an envelope. He reached over and hurriedly opened it, and of course it was a card with an owl on it.

 

_To Bo_

 

_Happy birthday!_

**_Owl_ ** _always love you ♥♥_

 

_Love, Kuroo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Bokuto found the owl pun hilarious, regardless of the cringe. Kuroo’s aim quite obviously. A knock came at the door and drew Bokuto’s attention away from the card, Daichi came through.

 

“Happy birthday Bok- What the hell.” Daichi stared at the many owls in the room and ran his hand down his face.

 

“Thanks Daichi! Oh- yeah Kuroo…” Bokuto started to giggle.

 

“Yeah. How many damn owls do you need?!”

 

“All of them!” Bokuto exclaimed and jumped off the bed.

 

Daichi sighed and started to smile, happy for Bokuto’s happiness. “Here’s your card, presents in the kitchen.” Daichi said as he passed a card and Bokuto just went straight for the hug.

 

“Awww thanks Dadchi-”

 

“Shut up!”

 

.

 

Bokuto hurriedly changed himself out of his pajamas and made his way into the kitchen and was greeted by the smell of bacon and eggs. _I fucking love Daichi._ He spotted a ball shaped present on the table to dived over to it, ripping the wrapping paper excitedly like some kid on christmas. It was a high end volley ball signed by none other than Bokuto’s idol, Japan’s national team’s ace. He didn’t even hear himself screaming at the ball, shaking it around as if it would come to life. A faint “shut up” could be heard from down the hall.

 

“DADCHI I LOVE YOU!” Bokuto was literally crying and Daichi walked through the door and smiled.

 

“From me and Kuroo, it was a total nightmare to get.” Bokuto whipped his head around towards Daichi.

 

“K-Kuroo?!” Bokuto sniffled and shakily walked over to Daichi. “You guys… are the best…”

 

Arms wrapped themselves around Bokuto’s chest from behind, and warm breath tingled Bokuto’s neck. “I told you he’d cry.” Kuroo said, a smile in his voice although Bokuto couldn’t see.  

 

Bokuto felt like he was on the verge of an overload breakdown and pulled both Kuroo and Daichi into a crushing group hug, crying all over both of them.

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto spent the whole day with Kuroo in town, mostly just the two of them eating at every food stall there was. Or at least trying to, Kuroo struggled like no tomorrow but Bokuto had no problem.

 

“Pfffff Kuroo you weakling,” Bokuto provoked, “are you admitting defeat?”

 

“When did this turn into a competition…” Kuroo groaned, looking like he was about to throw up as he hesitantly took another bite out of his hotdog.

 

“Everything we do is a silent competition! And so far the leading points go to Bokuto.” Bokuto puffed out his chest and put on his proud, smug face and Kuroo shoved him.

 

“Stupid owl!”

 

“Speaking of owls… Where the hell did you get that many owls?”

 

Kuroo snorted. “Literally every owl I walked past I bought… Since July.”

 

“...You’re fucking awesome bro.”

 

“I know. Now try top that.”

 

“Watch me! I’ll never lose to you.”

 

.

 

The light in the sky dimmed gradually, and Bokuto and Kuroo clung onto each other’s hands as they made their way back to the flat. Bokuto couldn’t ask for a better birthday, he usually spent them waiting around all day for Akaashi to get back from his part time job or something. But this time every moment was spent with someone he loved. It really gave him that warm feeling in his chest, and it was enough proof that Kuroo cared for him. If Bokuto was being honest with himself,  he did doubt Kuroo at times. But the change in Kuroo was clear now. He made effort. He missed nothing. He showed he actually gave a shit. The only thing missing now was _honesty_ . _Almost perfect._

 

Bokuto fumbled around with his keys to the door and walked into darkness. He tapped around the wall blindly until he found the switch.

 

“SURPRISE!” Confetti, pops, balloons, and _everyone_ stood there. Bokuto almost wet himself from the shock and found himself clinging onto Kuroo, who laughed at him. Akaashi, Daichi, Sugawara, Tsukishima, Kenma, Yukie and Kaori, and basically his entire old volleyball team, including some of Nekoma’s team. Bokuto couldn’t even comprehend that all of them were there for him.

 

“W-wha… You guuuuuuys!” Bokuto whined, beginning to cry again and there was a series of sighs and chuckles going around.

 

“He’s still the same…” A voice mumbled.

 

“Happy birthday, Captain!” Komi shouted as he smacked Bokuto on the back. The fact he is still seen as captain gave him butterflies. “God… I’ve actually missed you!” Akaashi soon came into sight and made his way towards Bokuto.

 

“Happy birthday Bokuto… Sorry I couldn’t hang today, hope Kuroo gave you good company.” Akaashi said guiltily.

 

“Huh, no I don’t mind! We had an awesome day!” Bokuto pulled Akaashi into a hug and refused to let go.

 

“I’ve got your present and stuff in my bag, let me go- and why is there so many owls in your room?”

 

.

 

It didn’t take long for everyone to start getting drunk, playing drinking games and scoffing their faces with food and cake. Yukie and Bokuto were seen often fighting over the last piece of something. Meanwhile, the Nekoma team were catching up with their former captain.

 

“Kuroo is such an ass, you muted the group chat didn’t you!” Yaku called Kuroo out.

 

“Aw now come on, I wouldn’t dare!” Kuroo looked towards Lev and raised his eyebrows. “Shit, have you grown?”

 

“Kuroo noticed… Oh my god!” Lev had tears in his eyes.

 

“Don’t change the subject, even Kenma still talks to us.” Yaku complained and Kenma looked up from his phone.

 

“What do you mean _even_ Kenma.” Kenma frowned and Kuroo laughed.

 

“Sorry, I really do love you all!” Kuroo smiled.

 

Yaku took another gulp from his glass. “How’s things anyway… you look a bit-”

 

“Kuroo looks so bad.” Lev interrupted and received a few glares.

 

“ _Not your best_ , better said.” Yaku hummed.

 

Kuroo sighed and fiddled with the ends of his bangs. “Hmmmm, I’m fine. What have you lot been up to?”

 

Yaku looked like he wanted to push but Kenma kicked him under the table. “Ffffu- Oh still at Uni… Hey Kai tell them!”

 

Kai looked for confused for a moment before getting what Yaku was saying. “Oh! I’ve finished my police training… I’m now officially part of the service.”

 

Kenma and Kuroo stared wide eyed at him, the latter pulling a sort of scary smile. “Oh what the hell, nice one! Don’t arrest me for anything though.” He joked.

 

“Oh, well done.” Kenma said.

 

“Kai is so awesome… I wanna be a police officer too!” Lev whined.

 

“Lev you’d be hopeless.” Yaku bluntly said and Lev yelped. “I’m kidding, you might actually do good. Your height and all would scare the crap out of criminals!”

 

The conversation grew distant in the background and Kenma found himself staring at Kuroo, who eventually noticed and smiled. “So how’s pudding head?” Kuroo asked, Kenma blushed a bit at the nickname.

 

“I’m fine… What about you?” Kenma looked at Kuroo kind of sadly.

 

“Good.”

 

“So… You’re with Bokuto now?” Kenma asked with a bit of uncertainty in his voice.

 

“To be honest… I dunno!”

 

“What do you mean you don’t know, you’re always with him. And go on dates with him. Isn’t that basically together?”

 

“Well I guess but…”

 

“You’re not still with-”

 

“Kenma! You want another drink?” Kuroo blurted a bit too loud, and Kenma just looked at him in horror, realisation hitting him.

 

“Kuroo.” He hissed, his voice sharper than knives. “You can’t do that to Bokuto.”

 

“Huh… Dunno what you’re on about.”

 

“Are you crazy?”

 

“Crazy… In love?!” Kuroo laughed and poured himself another drink. Kenma groaned into his hands as he held his face, and Bokuto and Akaashi came to sit with them.

 

“You guys better not be fighting or anything!” Bokuto spoke loudly as he hooked his arm around Kuroo.

 

“No violence at least, Kenma is just moody.” Kuroo said, he voice almost taunting and Kenma looked up at him in such a way it made Kuroo's skin crawl.

 

Akaashi looked between Kenma and Kuroo, sighing. “Should we play a game of… ride the bus this time?” He asked, an attempt to cut the tension.

 

“Yeah, yeah! Guys come on we’re playing ride the bus!” Bokuto shouted over the music to everyone.

 

.*

 

Bokuto looked about 10 seconds away from dying on the sofa, having drank way more than he could handle. Akaashi attempted to pull him up but failed miserably from the weight difference.

 

“Bokuto… time for you to go to bed, you've had too much.” Akaashi’s voice was filled with concern when Bokuto just stayed stuck in his seat.

 

“‘M not goinnnn’ I wan somethin’ first.” Bokuto said, next to impossible to get what he just said.

 

“What?” Akaashi asked.

 

“Where is Kuroooooo.”

 

Kuroo kneeled in front of Bokuto and laughed. “Here, Bo.”

 

“Kuroo… I love you so much.”

 

“Love you too, but you gotta get to bed.”

 

“Nooooo… I wanna stay with youuu!”

 

“I'll stay with you dummy, but if you move now I'll give you a treat.”

 

Bokuto opened his eyes properly to look at Kuroo. “Treat? Wha’ treat?”

 

“This.” Kuroo closed the space between his and Bokuto's face and their lips connected. There was a few whistles from behind. Bokuto’s eyes were still wide and Kuroo pulled away smiling. “You gonna move now?”

 

Bokuto didn't even move his line of sight, he just sat there stunned. “Kuroo I think you broke him.” Akaashi laughed a little bit.

 

“Whoops, Bo get up!” Kuroo yelled and heaved Bokuto off the sofa, Akaashi helping him.

 

“Kitchen first, get him some water please.” Akaashi said and Kuroo nodded. It was a struggle to carry Bokuto over to the kitchen but they finally made it. Kuroo pushed Bokuto down on one of the chairs next to Sugawara.

 

“Make sure he doesn't fall and die or something.” Kuroo mumbled.

 

“My god, what happened to him?” Sugawara asked, laughing.

 

“The birthday curse, this happens to all of us.” Daichi said from the door.

 

Kuroo let the water run cold for a moment before putting the glass under it, waiting for it to fill up as he listened to the conversations in the background. _Stupid owl…_ As Kuroo pulled away from the sink with a full glass, he felt an arm wrap around his chest and warm breath against his ear.

 

_“Oh Tetsu, I didn't know you were that much of a whore.”_

 

Kuroo’s blood ran ice cold and his head felt like it was underwater, crushing under the pressure. The shrill sound of glass smashing drew Sugawara’s and Daichi’s attention to him.

 

“Wow Kuroo, got a hell of a grip there…” Daichi said as he walked up to Kuroo, noticing the blood and glass embedded into Kuroo’s hand. “Shit that looks bad, I'll get the first aid. Don’t worry about the glass.” Daichi leaned around Kuroo a bit more to look at his face, who was just staring in horror at the sink. “Hey, you good?”

 

“Daichi get the first aid…” Sugawara said pulling on Daichi's shoulder to get the latter to leave. Daichi hesitantly left and Sugawara place a soothing hand on Kuroo’s arm. “Kuroo, come sit down we gotta clean your hand.” Kuroo was basically a statue and it took a fair amount of force from Sugawara to budge him.

 

“Huuuh wha’ happened?” Bokuto mumbled as he drowsily lifted his head off the table.

 

“It's okay Bokuto, don't worry.” Sugawara reassured, pushing Kuroo towards the empty seat at the table. Bokuto looked around confused then saw the blood on Kuroo’s hand.

 

“Oh… my god dude whut- oh god that's a lot… I'm gonna throw up.” Bokuto’s face paled at the sight and he stumbled off his seat and heaved in the kitchen sink.

 

Sugawara watched in panic as Bokuto threw his hands near the shards of glass scattered around the sink. “Bokuto mind the glass please!”

 

Daichi hurried in and gave the first aid kit to Sugawara then attempted to clean up the glass around Bokuto to save Sugawara from picking out glass in two people's hands. “Good thing you're planning on being a doctor Suga…” Daichi said.

 

“I know right, most of my work will be spent right _here_.” Sugawara joked as he disinfected some tweezers and held a towel underneath Kuroo’s hand, which was now dyed a bright red. “Okay this is actually bleeding a lot and I haven't taken anything out yet… you might need to go get it stitched up Kuroo.” Sugawara raised his eyes to Kuroo’s face when he didn't respond and hadn't responded in the entire time he smashed the glass. “You okay? Don't deal well with blood?”

 

“Uh… no I'm fine.” Kuroo finally said, his eyes still distant. “You know what don't worry about it I gotta go-”

 

“Don't. Move.” Sugawara instructed firmly. “You can't walk out with all that glass in your hand.”

 

“Listen to the pro, seriously.” Daichi called as he patted Bokuto’s back.

 

Kuroo could still feel that horrifying, cold, overpowering presence stood right behind him. It was as if there was a knife held to his throat and he couldn't do a single damn thing to save himself.

 

“I'm going with you have a problem with blood… looking kinda pale Kuroo- Daichi can you get some water?”

 

“No, no seriously I'll just go I can get it out myself.” Kuroo’s voice shook and Sugawara looked at him with concern. “Can I take this?” Kuroo asked, waving the tweezers around as he stood up.

 

“Kuroo please, let me do you might hurt yourself more-”

 

“Kuroo’s leaving?!” Bokuto sputtered out as he turned from the sink, Daichi held him up as he stumbled. “Nooo wha’ you said-”

 

“Sorry Bo, I'll see you later…” Kuroo didn't waste anymore time in fear of falling for Bokuto’s protests, and hurried through the door. Bokuto escaped from Daichi’s grip and followed after Karoo desperately. The rest of the guests watched the two in confusion as they went through the lounge area and out of the front door.

 

“Kuroo don't you fucking dare!” Bokuto shouted, his voice echoing slightly in the hallway. “Don’t you fucking leave man, you _always_ leave. Why can’t you just stay?!”

 

Kuroo winced at Bokuto’s volume. “Fuck, shut up Bo-”

 

“No fuck that, it’s like you have other priorities that you must _always_ fucking ditch me for, like what the fuck do I even have to do to get that number 1 spot on your list? Huh?” Bokuto was clearly letting the drunkenness talk for him, but Kuroo only just realised how much frustration Bokuto was holding in. And right now that frustration was blowing up like a fully loaded cannon in Kuroo’s face.

 

Akaashi appeared at the door and attempted to pull Bokuto back inside. “Bokuto, you’re drunk stop shouting at him.”

 

“Fuck off Akaashi, why’re you defending him now?!” The rage was spilling everywhere like an over boiling pot on the stove, and it was getting uncontrollable. Kuroo could do nothing but stand there leaving a puddle of blood where his hand hung and inch back every moment, the only thought going through his head is how much Jirou was going to kill him for being so late. Kuroo knew standing there forever was not going to calm Bokuto down so his spun round and ran down the stairs, not saying another word.

 

_Did I seriously just ruin Bokuto’s birthday? Yes Kuroo, you fucking did. Well done._

 

.*

 

Bokuto stood there, eyes wide glaring into space and slightly swaying from his lack of balance. Akaashi gave him a sorry look but couldn’t find the words to comfort Bokuto right now so all he did was hold onto his arm. Everyone else went quiet in the flat, trying to look at what even happened.

 

“Umm… Is Bokuto okay? He’s just kinda stood there…” Komi whispered to Konoha, who just shrugged.

 

“Okay you lot stop gawking. Leave them to it…” Daichi ushered everyone away from the doorway to leave Akaashi and Bokuto alone.

 

“Do you want to talk?” Akaashi asked, voice level and calm.

 

“No.” Bokuto answered sharply. He slowly turned around and shrugged off Akaashi’s hand, walking silently towards his room and slamming the door shut.

 

* * *

 

It had been several days since Bokuto’s birthday, and there was still no sign of mending the rift ripped between Kuroo and Bokuto. Bokuto felt a crushing regret about screaming at Kuroo like that, but of all the times for Kuroo to just get up and disappear. His birthday. Like not even an occasion could keep Kuroo in his seat, as if he was living a double life that he needed to balance the two between day and night. Bokuto was only necessary for the day apparently. Kuroo sent him a series of apologetic texts, but Bokuto couldn’t even think of what to even say back. The amount of chances he gave Kuroo, the amount of times Kuroo said ‘I won’t let you down again’, all of it just shat on.

 

Bokuto scrolled through his social media apps mindlessly in the late evening surrounded by his many owls when a loud, fast knocking came at the door in which Bokuto ignored. _Daichi will get it._ He could over hear a sort of commotion going on, but the voices were dulled behind the door and Bokuto couldn’t make out who it was. He soon found out though, when his door was suddenly swung open and in stormed Kuroo with Daichi following close behind.

 

“Kuroo!” Daichi hissed, trying to drag him back out. Bokuto looked at them stunned and saw the sweat sheen Kuroo’s face and his panting indicating he ran here or something.

 

“Make him get lost.” Kuroo said firmly. _Does he seriously have the nerve to order me around?_

 

Bokuto glared at him for what seemed like forever before he nodded at Daichi to say he’s fine. Daichi lingered for a moment before leaving them to it. “What, Kuroo?”

 

Kuroo shut the door behind him as he walked closer to Bokuto’s bed. “I’m… Sorry. Like fuck I know I say that literally all the time and I really don’t expect you to forgive me this time-”

 

“You actually fucked off… On my _birthday_.”  

 

“Fuck sake, I know!” Kuroo yelled, and ran his hand through his hair as he started pacing around the room. “I fucked up. I fucking know.”

 

“Then what do you want me to say Kuroo?”

 

“Say you don’t hate me.” Kuroo looked back towards Bokuto with pleading eyes and Bokuto felt pressure on his chest.

 

“I wouldn’t hate you Kuroo… But what we have- _had_ going on… Was it even working?” Bokuto could hear the pain in his own voice that he wasn’t able to mask. “We can’t work when half of you is someone I don’t know. When half of you will never tell me stuff. When half of _us_ is buried under secrets.”

 

Bokuto couldn’t see Kuroo’s face as he was looking towards the floor, but he was stood so utterly still it was almost as if he just died stood up. “I know. Bo, and remember when I said I didn’t want to drag you down? Yeah well _this_ is me dragging you down. I can’t fucking help it.”

 

A sigh left Bokuto as he looked hopelessly up at Kuroo, he couldn’t say any way to fix this right now. Especially since he still doesn’t even know what’s getting in between them. “Come sit here.”

 

Kuroo looked confused and hesitant and Bokuto tapped the space on the bed next to him again. Kuroo slowly moved to sit on the bed, looking too tense to get comfortable.

 

“Kuroo… Prove to me right now. Prove to me that you _love_ me.”

 

Bokuto watched Kuroo look even more distressed than he did a few seconds ago, he honestly did not know how to prove it. “Bo… I don’t know how.”

 

“Then I’ll just ask you. And look me in the eye.” Bokuto pulled Kuroo’s face to face his. “Do you love me?”

 

Kuroo’s gaze swam in Bokuto’s golden eyes, searching for something to save him right now. He knew he wouldn’t be lying, but his actions would tell differently as usual. “I love you.”

 

Those were the only words Bokuto wanted to hear as he leaned into Kuroo and kissed him. The kiss was long and intense and Kuroo didn’t falter to kiss back. Hands made their way up each other’s shirts and grabbing onto limbs as they got more lost in the lust surrounding them. Bokuto rolled over and held himself above Kuroo as he kissed the other, clinging to his hair and legs, taking in the smell of cigarettes, feeling his smooth skin. The pulled away out of breath, faces still close and lips swollen and red. They stared into each other’s eyes as Bokuto slowly ran his hand over Kuroo’s crotch, stopping over the buttons.

 

“C-can we…?” Bokuto whispered, and Kuroo had a face that Bokuto wasn’t able to read. “Kuroo?” He asked, getting slightly worried at his long silence but Kuroo nodded eventually. He dived back into a kiss and proceeded with undoing Kuroo’s jeans, pulling them roughly as he clung to Kuroo’s back with his other arm. He had never felt so close to Kuroo before, and it was a strange but exciting feeling. Kuroo moved his own hands to undo Bokuto’s trousers and pull them down, often pulling away from Bokuto’s kisses to take in a breath of air. After doing most of the work in pulling down Bokuto’s trousers, Kuroo moved his arms back to grab onto the front of Bokuto’s shirt, pulling him in closer. Bokuto pulled Kuroo’s hips up higher and grinded a little bit as he bared his teeth on Kuroo’s neck and he could feel Kuroo’s nails latch onto his chest and shoulder. Kuroo was lost in the heat, he never felt so lustful towards something like this before, all he wanted was Bokuto. Bokuto’s hand pulled Kuroo’s hand to hold onto his warm dick, which felt like it was pulsing in his grip and Kuroo began to toss him off, receiving a low moan from the owl haired man.

 

“Bokuto…” Kuroo whispered into his ear, nibbling slightly on his lobes as he held the back of his head and grabbed his hair. “I want you so bad.” Bokuto wasted no more time to pull down Kuroo’s boxers and leaning over towards his bedside table to grab lube, squirting some on his hand and applying it to his dick.

 

“Okay, okay I’m gonna go in okay?” Bokuto breathed and pulled Kuroo’s hips higher as he pushed in. Kuroo squirmed slightly and scrunched up his nose. “Shit, did I hurt you-”

 

“Just carry on.” Kuroo interrupted and Bokuto hesitated before pushing the rest in with a bit of a struggle. Bokuto could literally feel Kuroo rip off his skin as he clawed at his back.

 

“Oh fuck… You’re really tight… are you even relaxing?” Bokuto asked, voice thick with concerned and Kuroo just nodded while he didn't release his death grip on Bokuto’s back. Bokuto began thrusting slowly, gradually going a bit faster as he got himself a rhythm to go with.

 

Kuroo wondered why he was being so _gentle._ So _caring_. He didn’t get it, really. It felt so strange to be doing this and not feel so damn terrified.

 

_“But you think you could get away from me?”_

 

Kuroo sucked in as his breath hitched, and eyes widening in horror at the whisper above him, seeing Jirou grinning menacingly down at him. Kuroo’s voice was completely lost and he couldn’t even get a sound out, only the tears that burnt his eyes as they streamed down his face. The short lived good feeling was ripped away, and what replaced it was suffocating darkness. ‘Jirou’ leaned back down and kissed Kuroo’s neck as he watched the ceiling horrified.

 

“Kuroo, you’re okay right?” Bokuto breathed heavily next to Kuroo’s face, but got no answer. He pushed himself up to see Kuroo’s face, which was wet with tears and his eyes looking death in the face. “Oh fuck, is it hurting?!” Bokuto stopped immediately and shook Kuroo’s shoulders. “Hey, what’s wrong? Kuroo-”

 

“Bo...kuto.” Kuroo said slowly, and Bokuto nodded with a terrified expression on his face. “Nothing’s wrong.” His voice was blunt and empty, as if he just lost all the care in the world.

 

“You’re fucking crying, I hurt you didn’t I- fuck I’m sorry -”

 

“You did _nothing_ , Bo. You’re just so perfect.” Kuroo breathed out a hollow laugh. “Too perfect for me.” Kuroo shuffled away from Bokuto and leaned himself on the wall, wiping his face.

 

“Kuroo what just happened? You’re not okay, tell me what’s wrong!”

 

“You’re so perfect I will _never_ not let you down. I’m a hundred miles below you Bokuto, and an angel can never be with a lowly fiend.” Kuroo spat the words out like poison. Bokuto just looked at him, confused and loss of hope.

 

“No Kuroo, we’ll make it work okay, stop saying crap like that!” Bokuto was beginning to panic, his words desperate to reach Kuroo but the latter was having none of it. “Don’t leave me again…”

 

“I’ll only ever hold you down, you have wings for a reason…” Kuroo pulled his boxers and jeans back on and began to stand up, but was stopped by Bokuto grabbing his shoulder in which Kuroo hissed in pain at. Bokuto quickly withdrew his hand and gave Kuroo a worried look and quickly pulled down Kuroo’s sweater to reveal a mixture of red, blues and purples on his shoulders and back.

 

“Kuroo... what the fuck-”

 

Kuroo shrugged Bokuto’s arm off him and got off the bed, searching the floor for his shoes. Bokuto jumped up after him and stood in front of the door to stop him from leaving.

 

“Who the fuck did that.” Bokuto asked sternly, anger tainting his eyes.

 

“Wouldn’t know, I get into a lot of fights I guess.” Kuroo said, his eyes not meeting Bokuto’s.

 

Bokuto bit his lip, holding in another outburst dying to come out again. “Stop lying! Stop fucking sprouting shit just tell me the truth!”

 

“The truth Bokuto, is that I can’t be with you. Ever.” Kuroo’s voice was like a spear to Bokuto’s chest as he stared at Kuroo. Bokuto replayed the words in his head 100 times in a matter of half a second, each replay killing him inside a little more. He hadn’t realised Kuroo had already pushed past him and left, leaving Bokuto alone once again.


	9. King of Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter was an absolute nightmare. I've been battling a horrible case of writer's block and had to literally rewrite this chapter like 5 times and I'm still not satisfied SO IM SORRY FOR THIS SUPER SLOPPY WRITING adjljakds I hope my future chapters will come out better.

The small needle was buried underneath Kuroo’s bruised skin, the crook of his arm already tainted with track marks. Jirou always yelled about switching arms but Kuroo found it a hassle enough doing it on that easier arm, but the feeling at the end was worth all the struggling. He held his thumb over the plunger and pushed down slightly, waited a bit, then pushed the rest in. The 10 second wait to heaven was like claws at the edges of his mind, clawing desperately to feel something, to get those fake wings. Kuroo fell back onto the bed, needle still in arm and not looking like he was going to remove it any time soon from being too comfortable to move. He could honestly stay like that forever, if only life was that easy. He eventually pulled out the needle and chucked it on the bedside table once he could feel his limbs again, and left himself staring into oblivion.

 

... ...

 

“Kuroo wake the fuck up man!” Daishou had slapped Kuroo for now the 8th time and violently shook his shoulders, Kuroo just groaning slightly as if he was being interrupted from a  _ really  _ good sleep, which he pretty much had been. Another slap came, much harder this time and Kuroo’s eyes opened a bit and he squinted. 

 

“Uhhh…. Whu’ do you want.” Kuroo mumbled, his voice thick with drowsiness. Daishou had the front of Kuroo’s sweater scrunched up into his hands from shaking him, and he just looked down at Kuroo with a frantic expression. 

 

“What do I want? What the fuck are you doing Kuroo?” Daishou almost screamed in his face, the anger and distress couldn’t possibly be missed but it was still going over Kuroo’s head. Daichi grabbed onto the arm where Kuroo’s sleeve was still rolled up and waved it around while it flopped limply. “ _ What _ are you doing?” 

 

Kuroo frowned at Daishou above him. “Huh? Sleepin’?” He said dumbly and Daishou rolled his eyes in irritation.

 

“You’re shooting up. You fucking ass. Are you crazy? Heroin is a fucking no, what’s wrong with you?!” Daishou just looked like he wanted to punch Kuroo 100 times. “Where is it? Where the fuck-” He stood up and frantically opened drawers, throwing everything out of them. Kuroo slowly sat himself up on his elbows and he watched him with his half open eyes.

 

“Daishou… Get out man.” Kuroo said.

 

Daishou’s frenzy was halted as he picked up a syringe and turned around with it, putting it in Kuroo’s face. “Kuroo. What the  _ fuck _ ?!” 

 

“Oh don’t act like a saint.” Kuroo rolled his eyes, letting himself fall back onto his back. 

 

“I’m no fucking saint, but this is low. You’re actually gonna fuck up your life even more than you already have!” 

 

“Mmmmmhm. There’s nothing left to fuck up.” 

 

Daishou lunged himself at Kuroo, grabbing the front of his shirt and hauling him to sit up again. Kuroo’s expression couldn’t have been more uninterested in contrast to Daishou’s rage. “You’re such a mindless piece of shit. If you’re gonna do this bullshit then  _ stay  _ with Jirou. Since you’re basically him already, I don’t wanna stick around someone like that.” Daishou searched Kuroo’s face for some sort of reaction, some sort of realisation but there was absolutely  _ nothing _ . 

 

“Mhm, I’ll go later.” Kuroo mumbled, his voice low. He pulled Daishou’s hand off him and went back to daydreaming at the dull ceiling, Daishou lingering in front of him for a minute, mouth gaping open.

 

“Why… are you doing that.” Daishou asked, but Kuroo didn’t respond. “Why are so damn self destructive.”

 

“Because humans are like that, I hope I’m a cat in my next life.” Kuroo drew his brows together as he realised he’s said that before, but to someone else. 

 

* * *

 

 

Moving back in with Jirou was probably the biggest mistake of Kuroo’s life, but Jirou was scarily happy. Happy to have total control again, happy to have Kuroo’s full attention. Happy didn’t mean kind though, and Kuroo was reunited with the monstrosity of the 24/7 hell with Jirou. Jirou used Kuroo as some kind of show object, showing his prized possession off to anyone proudly, and sharing that possession when overly proud. 

 

“The whole batch on credit… on one condition.”

 

Jirou shot an annoyed expression towards the man and sighed. “Oh anything.”

 

“An hour or two with him.” His sharp, preying eyes travelled towards Kuroo who raised an eyebrow up at him, glancing towards Jirou whose eyes hadn’t left the scales on the table. “You can even join in if you want, sound fair?”

 

“Eh… Whatever, fine.”

 

.

 

“Oh my cute Tetsu… You look hot being banged from the back like that…” Jirou’s voice was smooth like velvet but needles were hidden underneath. He grabbed onto Kuroo’s messy hair roughly as he watched him devour his dick, his lips sheened with saliva and his face holding the lustful expression that drove him crazy. Kuroo pulled away for a moment and smiled up and Jirou, which made his heart skip a beat. 

 

“I’m gonna cum…” The other man said, clutching harder around Kuroo’s waist as he moaned into the air and released himself. Kuroo pulled his face away from Jirou’s crotch and looked behind him, pulling a sort of smirk at the man.

 

“Huh... you didn’t last long.” Kuroo taunted before Jirou moved his face back over to his dick.

 

“Tetsu you’re such a slut, you were enjoying that weren’t you?” Jirou said, raising his eyebrows. Kuroo hummed around Jirou’s dick. “I’m pretty close too, keep doing that- fuuuuck…” Jirou released himself down Kuroo’s throat, who backed away and the remaining was squirted in his face. The cloudy fluid dripped from his face and mouth, onto his black shirt which was already stained with cum from previous sessions that day. 

 

“Fuck, that was great.” The man said, and Jirou’s face turned sharp. 

 

“Yeah. Now fuck off.” Jirou said bluntly as Kuroo attempted to get the semen out of his bangs. “That was a one off.”

 

“Oh what the fuck-”

 

“You know how to get more turns~” Jirou said, his smile fake. The man kissed his teeth and sorted himself out before leaving. Jirou turned his attention back to Kuroo. “What did I say about enjoying it.”

 

“Hmmm I didn’t, you’re better obviously.” Kuroo said, a hint of sarcasm glazing his words and he turned his empty gaze towards Jirou. “But they always run back for more if they think I enjoyed it.” 

 

Jirou had a brief expression of shock before smiling. “You’ve been good.” Jirou pulled Kuroo up off the floor and looked him in the eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Tetsu…” His large hand held the side of Kuroo’s face, who looked back at him blankly. That’s all he really felt these days, completely blank, empty and hollow. Kuroo found it impossible to feel something real, and just acted according to what Jirou loves. 

 

The only love he didn’t fake was the one towards Bokuto. That name was a total trigger word to Kuroo that he blocked off the name, that face, that  _ person  _ from his mind desperately. Any sign he was close to start thinking about him he convinced himself he was only for Jirou, and Bokuto never even existed. It was hard at first, but it got easier with the weeks turning into months of completely shutting his mind off and staying in the dark.  _ Because love is nothing but poison that kills the slowest, but the most painful way to go. _

 

* * *

*

 

“Bokuto, have you tried looking in there?” Akaashi pointed towards another clothing store and Bokuto slowly followed finger.

 

“I’ve already got literally every shirt from there… They don’t change their stock often.” Bokuto sighed, and Akaashi slowed his pace to a stop. 

 

“Never know, they might have something new?”

 

“They won’t.”

 

“Want to go somewhere to eat?”

 

“‘M not hungry.”

 

“Want to play volleyball?”

 

Bokuto’s face flashed something that resembled something more than mopey and sad but quickly reverted. “We’ve got no blockers around.”  _ Or you know, no Kuroo. _

 

“We don’t need blockers, just practise your spikes.”

 

“For what, not like we play actual games anymore. And spikes mean nothing if not practised on something that could stop them.”

 

Akaashi sighed and looked at Bokuto sadly, loss of ideas how to pull him out of the mud. It had been like this for a couple of months now and Akaashi was getting worried and desperate to fix this, sacrificing his time used for working on university work to keep Bokuto company. He was already a few assignments behind. “Okay, let’s go home then. What do you fancy eating for take away? Kebab? Pizza? Chinese?”

 

“I don’t care-”

 

“Bokuto!” Akaashi’s sudden increase in volume made Bokuto jump, staring at Akaashi in shock. “I’m really, really trying Bokuto… I can’t stand seeing you like this, okay? I’m trying so hard, but I really don’t know how to help… So Bokuto, help me help you, right now. Tell me what you need. We need to sort this it’s getting really bad. Seriously.” 

 

Bokuto looked at Akaashi with his wide golden eyes, he really didn’t know what to even say.  _ Go get me Kuroo I’ll be fine.  _ But he knew that wasn’t the right answer. Kuroo was the reason he was in this mess to begin with.  _ I never want to fall in love again…  _ “Akaashi… really I’m fine. Please stop wasting your time on me.” 

 

“I’m wasting no time on you, I’m loving every moment with you. But it really hurts to see you hurt… I know I can’t replace Kuroo,” Akaashi felt the flinch from Bokuto as he mentioned his name, “but he hurt you and there’s nothing you can do about it now. Maybe he had reasons, who knows. But he isn’t here for _you_ now is he? He’s gone, okay Bokuto? You’re clinging onto something that’s causing so much pain.”

 

Bokuto knew every word Akaashi was saying was right, and he wasn’t saying that so Bokuto could just ‘move on’ but rather help mend himself by just letting go. But letting go of something he worked so hard for felt like being submerged in boiling water. Letting go of  _ Kuroo  _ was basically like death. “You’re… Right. I know you’re right but fuck I just need… A tiny bit more time? Please, Akaashi?”

 

Akaashi’s face grew with concern and he huffed out another sigh. “I’m not going to rush you Bokuto, I’m just making sure you’re not drowning yourself in high expectations…” 

 

“No, no I get it! Akaashi, I love you. thanks for being here for me, really.” Bokuto forced out a smile, it wasn’t totally pretend. He really was grateful Akaashi was dedicating himself to helping him, he could never ask for a better friend like Akaashi. 

 

.

 

Kebab was definitely the answer to raise Bokuto’s spirit as he devoured it like a beast as they binge watched ‘The Walking Dead’. Akaashi knew Bokuto was in love with the earlier seasons, so what better way than to shower him in stuff he knew Bokuto couldn’t resist reacting to. The night was spent with Komi, Daichi, Sugawara and Kenma. And for the first time, Bokuto’s mood was beginning to lift.

 

“Where the fuck have the chicken wings gone?” Komi asked as he dug through the takeaway bags. 

 

Sugawara snickered on the other sofa. “I spied with my little eye… Bokuto ate them.”

 

“What?! I only ate like what… 5?!” Bokuto defended.

 

“Bokuto… There was  _ only  _ 5.” Komi glared daggers at Bokuto.

 

“Well shit maybe you lot should have thought to get more.” Bokuto and Komi began shoving each other, Komi being totally overpowered. Sugawara hurried over to put his arms between the two to avoid any unnecessary injury and Daichi laughed.

 

“Jesus, they’re literally children…” Daichi mumbled and tugged his phone out of his pocket. “Shit this year went by fast, it’s already November.” 

 

Bokuto whipped his head around towards Daichi. “November the what?” He asked, distress in his voice and Akaashi looked over.

 

“5th… Did you know in the UK they celebrate the burning of some guy called… ugh I forgot his name. But pretty dark huh?” Daichi said, still looking at his phone. Bokuto felt like his ears filled up with water, blocking out the sound. _ November. It’s already November. Kuroo’s birthday is soon… _

 

“Yeah, they have a bonfire night with fireworks and stuff. It looks pretty interesting actually.” Akaashi said and lightly kicked Bokuto’s leg. 

 

“Oh shit yeah!” Komi shouted suddenly, making everyone jump. “You guys free next sat? Theeeee 11th or something I think.”

 

“Other than drowning in uni work, I guess.” Akaashi ran his hand down his face at the reminder of how much work he has to do.

 

“Nope.” Kenma mumbled from behind his PSP.

 

Daichi looked at Sugawara before speaking, “We are, I think.” 

 

“Great, party time bitches!” Komi was stood up now, excitement written all over his face.

 

“Hmmm, where?” Sugawara asked.

 

Komi put a hand on his chin and was silent for a moment. “At someone’s I work with, he goes uni so there’ll probably be people you guys know.”

 

“Oh god, another one of those parties where we’re technically not invited but 90% of the other guest aren’t either, right?” Daichi said.

 

“Eeeexactly! Bokuto, you’re up for it right?!” Komi shoved Bokuto’s arm, who just snapped out of his daydream.

 

“Huh? Party?” Bokuto asked, slightly lost.

 

“Fuck Bokuto you need to listen, yeah! Come on it’ll be fun!”

 

Bokuto’s eyes were filled with uncertainty before he pushed back any thoughts that attempted to stop him from having a good time. “I’m always up for a party dumbass.” 

 

“But I mean, like are you guys cool and all with hardcore druggies? Because they’re probably gonna be there…” Komi mumbled sheepishly.

 

“Wait,  _ you  _ don’t do anything do you?” Akaashi asked, his voice thick with concern.

 

“Me?! No, no, just weed of course but just saying. Before you freak out about someone snorting shit off a window ledge, here’s a bit of pre warning. Since you guys are soooo edge as well.” Komi snickered and Akaashi rolled his eyes. 

 

“It’s kinda unavoidable at any house party to be honest.” Daichi said, leaning back into the sofa. “A lot of people our age crave something to turn the  _ fun  _ up a few levels.” 

 

“In the dumbest ways possible.” Akaashi grimaced. “But no, it’s not a problem. We’ll keep to ourselves.” 

 

Bokuto felt personally attacked here, or at least felt the attack directed at Kuroo although it probably wasn’t. But this conversation was deathly uncomfortable nevertheless.

 

* * *

  

Komi eagerly introduced the group to his other friends, who were quite friendly and welcoming. Bokuto felt rather uncomfortable in the setting, giving him constant reminders of what happened last time he was actually at a party. Things couldn’t possibly go wrong two parties in a row, or at least it hopefully wouldn’t. Komi was working hard to ensure Bokuto was actually talking and getting involved and it beginning to dawn on him that Komi must have invited them to help Bokuto get his mind off shit. It was half working, if it wasn’t for being surrounded but drug users who Bokuto couldn’t help but compare them to Kuroo. 

 

“Shit, I didn’t bring the dope…” Someone said, and Komi looked at him like he killed his dog.

 

Komi took a deep breath, preparing a long speech. “What?! You said-”

 

“Okay I was kinda hoping someone would be selling here.”

 

“Actually, Jirou is around here somewhere… He might have some.” Another said, Komi perking up.

 

Bokuto turned his attention towards the three talking and shuffled closer to them. He was sure he’s heard that name somewhere before. “Who’s Jirou?” 

 

“Mr drug dealer.” One of the other two friends chuckled. “He’s scary though, I’m not gonna go look for him.”

 

“Taro will, I’ve never even seen the guy.” Komi commented, him and the other man looking at Taro who shrunk under their gazes.

 

“What the fuck, I don’t even know where he is.” He whined, and Bokuto wondered what was so bad about this Jirou guy. Apart from him being a drug dealer.

 

“Is he really that bad?” Bokuto asked, and the two men looking at him like he was stupid.

 

“He’s crazy.”

 

“He’s the devil.”

 

“Geez whatever, you guys didn’t bring the dope so go get some!” Komi huffed, pushing Taro out of his seat. 

 

“Fuck, someone come with me.” Everyone sat snickering at Taro as he began to fret. He looked towards Bokuto and widened his eyes. “You. You wanna see him right?”

 

Bokuto raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “No not really-”

 

“Yeah you do! Komi I’m borrowing your friend!” Taro grabbed Bokuto’s shirt and hauled him off his seat, patting him on the back. “This won’t be so bad, yeah?”

 

“You’re asking me?!” 

 

Akaashi turned away from Daichi and Sugawara and furrowed his brows. “Bokuto, where are you going?”

 

“I have no idea, come with in case I get killed like this guy is seriously making it out to be.”

 

Taro laughed, “Pffffff nope, we’ll be fine.”

 

.

 

It felt like a wild goose chase, everyone was too drunk to understand Taro or know when they last saw Jirou. Meanwhile, Bokuto had to try to break it lightly to Akaashi that they were actually just looking for weed and he didn’t take it so well. 

 

“Don’t you dare think you’re smoking any.” Akaashi said flatly.

 

Bokuto smirked, “Okay mother. Nah not gonna anyway, you need to trust me!” Akaashi glared at Bokuto, who backed down a little.

 

“You two are totally missing out…” Taro interrupted as he scanned the room, his quest to find Jirou failing. He sighed and pushed past a couple sloppily making out, Bokuto and Akaashi following and Taro was obstructed by a door opening suddenly in front of him. “Fuck- maybe swing that open a bit more gently?” He groaned, and the taller man looked down at Taro.

 

“Maybe fucking move then.” He snapped, the top of his nose scrunched slightly in irritation. Bokuto’s eyes widened as he realised who it was. Bed head, cat like eyes… 

 

“Oh jesus, fuck. Kurooooo! Oh I’m glad to see you, where’s Jirou?” 

 

“Why are you asking me.” Kuroo said bluntly, slowly looking past Taro and spotted Bokuto and Akaashi. Although the realisation hit him slightly late, it did eventually. And it looked like he just ran into a ghost.

 

“Damn you’re so moody what the hell… C’mon, you know where he is right?” Taro noticed Kuroo wasn’t paying attention to him anymore and followed his eyes to Bokuto, looking between them. “Uh, you know each other?”

 

“Ku...roo?” Bokuto asked shakily, he was pretty sure it came out as a half whisper. Akaashi’s face was fearful, knowing damn well it wasn’t going to end well and he subtly tugged on Bokuto’s shirt to somehow draw his attention away, but it was futile. Kuroo was a frozen statue, doing nothing but gawking at Bokuto.

 

“I’ll… go look for Jirou.” Taro muttered, and hurried away from the crushing tension between Kuroo and Bokuto, Akaashi not able to do anything but just stand there as well. 

 

“Bokuto,” Akaashi finally said, pulling on Bokuto’s arm, “leave it for now-” 

 

“You… Don’t talk to me for  _ months.  _ You don’t say a single word, you just fuck off without any reason? And here you stand, innocent as ever?” Bokuto spat, his face still horrified and sad at the same time.

 

“Bokuto, what the fuck are you doing here?” Kuroo hissed, keeping his voice low.

 

“Invited by a friend, what am I banned off any premises you happen to be on?”  

 

“Oh my fuck.” Kuroo raised his hands up to his head and tugged at his hair, turning around slightly. “We can’t talk.”

 

“Fucking try me. Try walk away from me again Kuroo you assho-”

 

“Eh, Tetsu who have you pissed off this time?” A deep voice came from behind Bokuto and Akaashi, and the two spun around to see a man taller than Kuroo, his build large and his face stern and kind of scary. Bokuto turned back around to look at Kuroo who just look liked he was going to die on the spot. 

 

“Don’t know them.” Kuroo murmured, and shifted uncomfortably in the man’s piercing gaze. He lightly pushed past Bokuto and Akaashi to stand by Kuroo.

 

“Aw come on don’t be like that!” The man grabbed Kuroo by the shoulder, whom winced slightly under his grip before turning around to look at Bokuto and Akaashi staring at him. “I’m Jirou. I apologise if he’s causing trouble, he’s been in a terribly bad mood lately.” Jirou smiled brightly, but Bokuto could tell it wasn’t a friendly smile. 

 

“Oh… Yeah nothing’s going on, sorry I have to go.” Bokuto tried to hurry and get away but was stopped by a strong hand. Akaashi felt defensive and glared at Jirou. 

 

“You friend’s of Tetsu’s?” Jirou asked, his voice hard to trace any kind of intent behind it. “Or, maybe… Did you fall for him?” 

 

Bokuto whipped his head around to meet eyes with Jirou, who was holding back a chuckle. Bokuto’s voice died in his throat and he couldn’t get anything out.

 

“Aha, knew it. I heard your little reunion earlier… Tetsu’s been bad huh…” Jirou teased, looking back at Kuroo who was still frozen solid. “He’s not the most faithful. Are you, Tetsu?” 

 

Kuroo slowly regained himself and began to  _ smile,  _ a smile so full of bitterness and darkness it was painful to look at. “Sorry, I was just playing around.” Bokuto heard himself internally scream, and the sound of his heart cracking was loud and clear. 

 

Jirou cracked up into a loud laugh, smacking Bokuto on the back. “He’s pretty and all, but he’s nothing but a filthy whore with daddy issues. He sure gives me a hard time I’ll tell you that!” 

 

Akaashi couldn’t stop himself from looking like he wanted to kill both Kuroo and Jirou, seeing the look of complete betrayal and heartbreak on Bokuto’s face. “Bokuto, let’s go.” Bokuto watched as Jirou threw his arm around Kuroo and giving him and big sloppy kiss before pulling him away into another room, Kuroo didn’t look back once.

 

.

 

Bokuto was downing shot after shot, hearing Akaashi ask many times if he wanted to go home but waved him off each time. He wasn’t about to let Kuroo ruin his whole night, was he? Or that’s what he told himself, in complete denial that Kuroo did indeed ruin his entire week, month and probably the rest of the year. Never in a million years Bokuto thought Kuroo could sink to that much of a low, evil, asshole.  _ ‘Just playing with you’. Oh it’s fine, it’s fucking great actually. It was such a fun game Kuroo you piece of fucking shit. This is so fine. _

 

“Okay… Fuck I didn’t even know Kuroo would be here-” Komi was hushed by Akaashi’s hand on his mouth, who glanced over at the moping Bokuto. 

 

“You guys know Kuroo?” Taro asked, rolling a spliff from the dope he finally acquired. Akaashi was about to shush him as well but was a too late. “Jesus, I’m surprised you could be friends with that guy. He’s as nuts as Jirou.” 

 

Bokuto lolled his head over to look at Taro. “Oh yeah… Who the fuck is Jirou to him?” He slurred, his face lacking expression. 

 

“Jirou is his boyfriend… of like 3 or 4 years, you didn’t know that?” Taro said and received a painful kick to the shin from Komi. “Fuuuck dude, what th-”

 

“Hey, look who I found!” Daichi cut in, gesturing his hands towards Hiroo and Kazuma. “Daishou isn’t with you?” 

 

“Nah, he hasn’t been up for coming out lately.” Hiroo said.

 

“What a bore… what’s with the dull faces here?” Kazuma looked around the group and felt the pressure. 

 

Sugawara appeared not long after holding a couple of drinks. “Oh come on you guys, you need to smile more!” 

 

“Kuroo… has a boyfriend. Funny huh…” Bokuto said gravelly, swirling around his drink in the cup. Daichi and Sugawara stared wide eyed at him before looking towards Akaashi who nodded slightly.

 

“Ah, you met Jirou?” Hiroo asked and Bokuto nodded. “Well I mean they’re not couple of the year that’s the sure.” 

 

“If it makes you feel better, Kuroo only ever goes on about how much he hates Jirou.” Kazuma breathed out a slight laugh before being elbowed by Hiroo. He cleared his throat before speaking again, “Wouldn’t go near him again though unless you want Jirou to kill you.” 

 

“Pffff, that Jirou. Is he actually as fucking big and bad as everyone says, he just seems like a massive ass that’s all talk.” Bokuto laughed hollowly, chugging down the rest of his drink.

 

“Ask Kuroo, I’m sure he gets the backhand of it all-” Kazuma was stopped by another elbow to the chest.

 

“It’s not really our business.” Hiroo mumbled, directing a glare towards Kazuma. 

 

Bokuto was about to open his mouth again to speak before catching onto what Kazuma said, dread falling upon him as he guessed what he meant by that. “I… I’m gonna go out. For air.” Bokuto muttered, standing from his seat and heading off towards the door as everyone watched. Komi hurried after him and found him sat on the outside wall away from everyone else. He slowly approached him, afraid to startle Bokuto or to get told to go away.

 

“Bokuto…?” Komi asked quietly, and was responded by a ‘hmm’. Komi took that as permission to sit with him. “So, captain. Wanna tell me what even happened?”

 

Bokuto didn’t turn to look as Komi as he sighed, looking off into the orange hued lit street. “Do you know… what they’re like together?”

 

Komi pulling his brows together in confusion. “Huh?”

 

“Kuroo and Jirou.”

 

“I don’t even know Jirou, and not much about Kuroo either to be honest…” 

 

“They’re so called ‘boyfriends’, yet Jirou full on called him ‘nothing but a filthy whore with daddy issues.’ Sounds loving.”

 

“Not the ideal thing to say about your boyfriend… and judging by what Kazuma said I don’t think they have the best behind the scenes life.”

 

“They have the absolute shittest behind the scenes life.” A voice startled the two and they turned around to be met with snake like eyes, Daishou.

 

“Huh, thought you weren’t here?” Bokuto asked.

 

“Just got here. Wasn’t gonna but… I feel there’s no better time to drown in self pity and alcohol than a warming party.”

 

Komi snickered and Bokuto watched Daishou walk over and sit himself on the wall. “Daishou… what did you mean?”

 

“Assuming you ran into Jirou,” Bokuto gave a hurried nod and Daishou continued, “yes that is Kuroo’s boyfriend. Or rather Kuroo is just Jirou’s property. I would have mentioned it to you but Kuroo waved it off as just flirting. He does like you a lot though- or that sickening word.  _ Love _ .”  

 

Bokuto frowned. “He literally just said he was playing around-”

 

“Jirou would kill both you and him if Kuroo straight up said ‘oh hey I’m in love with someone else’.” Daishou sighed and leaned back onto his hands. “I guess I understand why Kuroo was being such a miserable asshole this whole time, he let you go didn’t he?”

 

Bokuto couldn’t understand this situation at all. Kuroo himself basically said he was never in love, now someone else is telling him that it’s a lie. If it was so much of a lie, why is he still with Jirou? “I don’t get it… why the hell is he still with that guy?!” 

 

“Jirou won’t let him leave I bet my left ball sack on that. He’s a huge bully, I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed Kuroo if his temper went that little bit over boiling point.” Daishou’s eyes were far away and Bokuto looked at him in horror. 

 

“I saw… Bruises. On Kuroo, like really, reeeally bad ones-”

 

“From Jirou. You’re lucky he didn’t see the times where he didn’t hold back on his face, Kuroo has a few chipped teeth from then. But now he’s gotta keep his face looking pretty for his ‘clients’. Kuroo might act all fine and dandy about being whored out but it’s 100% Jirou. No way he’d just accept that on his own.” 

 

“Oh my god…” Komi muttered, Bokuto almost forgot he was there as his blood began to boil. The anger felt like lava in his veins and was ready to erupt at any moment.

 

“I’m not telling you this so you can run head first into Jirou, rest in peace if you fucking try that. I’m telling you because Kuroo is way too far down that shit hole to get himself out, so you need to help him out. I can’t help for shit, he won’t listen to me. He might listen to you though.”

 

Bokuto was relying on lipreading, the deafening sound of his heartbeat blocking everything out. Before he knew it, he was already pushing past people at the door and scanned every room desperately for Kuroo, Komi tailing after attempting to stop him but he was lost behind a few people. Bokuto had shouted “Where’s Kuroo?” in about 12 different people’s face’s, each of them shrugging or pointing in a completely random direction to make him go away. After what seemed like forever, Bokuto finally spotted the mess of hair sat up against a wall with someone trying to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he was listening. Bokuto hurried over and grabbed onto Kuroo’s arm, who looked up at him with a mildly shocked expression. 

 

“Get. Off.” Kuroo instructed, but Bokuto didn’t even dare loosen his grip.  

 

“Where’s Jirou.” Bokuto’s tone didn’t hold it as a question, but rather a taunt. Kuroo didn’t answer so Bokuto took that as his queue to pull him up and drag the struggling Kuroo into an empty room, slamming the door shut.

 

“What the fuck are you-”

 

“Shut up Kuroo! I’ve watched you lie for so long I should have noticed that last little lie that left your damn mouth earlier was one too straight away.” Bokuto’s eyes were held strong on Kuroo, who shrunk slightly in that gaze.

 

“Hah, oh get over it. I fucked you over, so what?” Kuroo chuckled and Bokuto slammed his hand down on the wall next to him.

 

“It all fucking makes sense, you couldn’t tell me shit because of  _ him _ . Because of that god evil piece of shit. Jirou, your so  _ lovely  _ boyfriend. You think I wouldn’t figure out what he does?”

 

“Hmmmm, I don’t know what you’re on about.” Kuroo turned to leave but Bokuto jumped in front of the door, guarding it with his life.

 

“He beats the crap out of you, he whores you out which is your only defense for keeping your face intact. You’re an object to him and you would rather stay as his fucking property… rather than trust  _ me _ .” Bokuto’s strong voice broke on those final words, his true feelings at that moment shining through. 

 

“Oh yeah… you found out I’m a whore too, nice.” 

 

Bokuto couldn’t stop his mind from running through the sight of those bruises, the way Kuroo acted when they… “Kuroo. Tell me right now, what else does he do?” his words shook, desperate to hear the answer but terrified of what he knew what Kuroo was going to say.

 

Kuroo looked at Bokuto with glassy wide eyes, like they were about to start streaming any time soon. As if Kuroo was just going to break right then and there. He walked closer to Bokuto and leaned his face in close. “He does  _ nothing _ .” 

 

Bokuto could feel his own eyes begin to well up, his ears tainted by yet another blatant lie from Kuroo’s mouth. “The truth Kuroo… you owe me that much.” 

 

“Oho… what then, Bokuto? Are you gonna be a hero?” Kuroo leaned in closer that his lips brushed against Bokuto’s ear, the latter shivering. “You’re going to fix  _ this _ ? You’re gonna save the day by knowing how I have pretty much 2 assholes by now from how hard Jirou fucks me? Oh not just him, how about that I get fucked by at least 7 different people in one night. I bet your dick feels real clean after knowing that huh. Let’s go back then. Back to when you should have fucked me like Jirou does, nice and rough without a single shit given about me. Straighten me out a little Bo, and maybe I’d realise that this is all just a really fucked up dream that wasn’t worth chasing. After all,  _ I really am just a filthy whore with daddy issues _ .” Kuroo hissed out the words, each one burning Bokuto like acid dripping on him. He stood there trembling and desperately holding back tears as Kuroo snickered darkly in his ear before pulling away. They shared a gaze, in which Bokuto realised the eyes he was looking into had no one behind them. Kuroo shoved past Bokuto and left the room, the sound of music from outside the room sounding anything but joyful. 

 

_ Why am I so powerless? He's walking away, again. And I'm just stood here because I'm so fucking useless. Because I can do nothing at all, I'm no hero…  _

 

Bokuto tore his eyes away from the nothingness he was stuck staring at and turned around, racing down the stairs after Kuroo.  _ Fuck that, I'm not gonna just stand there this time.  _ The cold air hit his face as he ran out, a few people glancing at him as he pushed past them.

 

“Kuroo!” Bokuto called, his voice echoing in the night. Kuroo didn't turn around and Bokuto picked up the speed, tackling Kuroo from behind and wrapping his arms around him tightly, either as a hug or just to make sure Kuroo didn't run away again. 

 

Kuroo stood silently as Bokuto tried to catch his breath, the orange streetlight above them slightly flickering.

 

“Don't… walk away again. Whatever the fuck you do I'm not giving up like that.” Bokuto could feel Kuroo tremble under his grip, and realised the trembling was because he was crying. 

 

“You're fucking dumb, Bo...” Kuroo choked out a laugh and he sniffled his nose. Bokuto let go and turned Kuroo around to see his flushed face and watery eyes, Bokuto unable to hold back his own tears.

 

“Kuroo… I love you,” Bokuto started, and grabbed onto Kuroo’s hand. “So  _ stop _ , please stop pushing me away.”

 

“How cute. Tetsu I leave you alone for two seconds and you already run off with another man, typical.” Jirou’s voice came from beside them, the two freezing. Bokuto whipped his head towards Jirou and couldn't contain the rage that had been building up all night.

 

“You… fucking cunt. You piece of shit how dare you-”

 

“Bokuto, is your name?” Jirou held up an iPhone which had a cat phone case on it, Kuroo’s phone. Kuroo felt lightheaded from holding his breath for so long. “Sorry, borrowed your phone and couldn't help but have a peek at your cute texts. You're both  _ so adorable _ .” 

 

Bokuto pulled away from Kuroo and stomped over to Jirou, not exactly knowing what he was going to do but Jirou managed to grab Bokuto's collar first before he could even get a word in.

 

Kuroo’s face had every expression of fear possible going on, hurrying towards them. “Jirou get off him!”

 

“How could you fucking do that to him you fucking monster! What the fuck do you even get out of being the lowest of the low? Don't you even feel remorse?! Look at him!” Bokuto threw a pointed finger towards Kuroo while holding his raged eyes on Jirou. “Look what you fucking did, you can't handle being in hell on you own so you have to drag him down with you!”

 

“Bokuto leave it, seriously!” Kuroo hissed, trying to tug Jirous hand off Bokuto's shirt and Jirou’s laughter was mocking and taunting.

 

“Oh no, let him go on Tetsu! It's hilarious.” Jirou’s face switched up from smiles to a menacing glare. “Tell him how much you  _ love me. _ ”

 

Kuroo couldn't speak or even think, his eyes were fixated on Jirou as he felt Bokuto’s gaze on him.

 

“Tell him then, or should I?” Jirou looked back down at Bokuto, whom he pulled closer to him. “Tetsu loves me that much he  _ cries _ with joy when I fuck him, he loves me so much he begs me to stop making him feel so fucking good because he can't handle it, right Tetsu? I hope you’re jealous that I also got to take his first backdoor time, he was a mess after I was done with him! Oh the best sight though... is the beautiful colour of red, dripping all down his pretty legs.” 

 

Bokuto was shaking, shaking with sadness, fear and a whole lot a fury. His eyes blazed like torches at Jirou and all he could see was red, Bokuto didn't hear himself scream out before he collided his head against Jirou’s, the taller man loosening his grip slightly and stumbled back. Bokuto used that opportunity to lash out, blinded by rage and gave his all throwing every punch and kick at Jirou, who ended up restraining his arms with little struggle.

 

“Tetsurou is  _ mine _ , so you better learn how to stay the fuck back.” Jirou spat, his voice violent with malice as his eyes travelled past Bokuto towards an incoming light. It was like the world slowed right down when Bokuto realised he was falling backwards, the pressure from Jirou shoving him still lingering on his chest and the blinding light of the car approaching closer and closer. Bokuto flicked his eyes back at Jirou who smirked shallowly, his eyes piercing and deadly and saw Kuroo’s hand reaching out the grab him. He was so close, Bokuto only needed to move his arm up a little more to catch Kuroo’s, but Kuroo’s arms got restrained by Jirou and he was out of reach. Out of reach in every aspect, once again. Bokuto realised he just lost. 

 

The sound of tires screeching ripped through the night, followed by the smashing of the windscreen from colliding with Bokuto and his body rolling over the roof and falling off the back of the car. He laid still as death on the cold, damp group while Kuroo stared in horror for a moment before struggled out of Jirou’s grip and running past him and over to Bokuto. The driver stumbled out of the car and threw his hands to his head.

 

“Oh my god, I didn't see- oh fuck I didn't mean to-”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” Kuroo screamed, his eyes beginning to blur with tears and panic as he shook Bokuto’s limp body. “Bokuto?! Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Jirou you shit!” Kuroo struggled and squirmed as Jirou’s strong arms grabbed onto him and wrapped around him, shushing in his ear while he grabbed onto Kuroo's face.

 

“Shhhh, Tetsu… it’s okay now-”

 

“Get the fuck off Jirou!” Kuroo lashed out, pushing Jirou’s face away with his palm and he tried to get free and go back towards Bokuto like a magnet. 

 

“Oh calm down already, this would have never happened if you just never spoke to him.” Kuroo froze at Jirou’s words. “It's not my fault.  _ You did this _ .” Jirou whispered, the chills overwhelming Kuroo as he trembled at the thought that this was his fault. The only sound was of the driver frantically shouting down the phone to an ambulance and other people beginning to gather around, whispers and gasps filling the air.

 

“B-Bokuto?” Akaashi’s voice broke, shakily pushing through the people gathering and reached he hand out to touch him. He withdrew his hand and stared at the bright, terrifying red. “Oh no, oh shit, what the fuck happened?!” Akaashi’s usual calm demeanour morphed into rage as he shot his eyes up towards the driver who raised his hands up in defence.

 

“I’m s-sorry! Fuck I didn't see him he just kinda appeared-”

 

“What do you fucking mean just appeared?! Are you drunk?” Akaashi raged and turned his eyes to spot Kuroo and Jirou. Jirou had a painfully smug expression as he was pulling Kuroo from the scene. 

 

Akaashi’s eyes glared knives. “You.” He stood up away from Bokuto and stalked towards them with a fast pace. “You fucking shit heads what the fuck-”

 

“Oh we’re just witnesses, sorry to see that had to happened.” Jirou said calmly, which began to rile up Akaashi even more. He looked desperately towards Kuroo who was shaking and had wide eyes that were lost into another world. The tears were beginning to dry but Akaashi still spotted the evidence.

 

“Kuroo?” Akaashi asked, taking another step closer.

 

His eyes moved slightly and looked at Akaashi dead on, the latter searching for an answer on Kuroo's face. “Jirou-” Kuroo started as though he was going to break out into a full blow confession but his mouth was sealed with Jirou’s hand roughly grabbing his face and yanked him back a bit.

 

“And this one has had enough to drink for tonight, so we better get going!” Jirou chimed and started walking away with Kuroo.

 

“Hey!” Akaashi called after but the sound of sirens and flashing blue lights stopped him from going after them and he hurried back to Bokuto who still hadn't moved an inch.

 

* * *

*

 

Anyone might have thought getting beaten up repeatedly would have led someone to just get used to the pain, but Kuroo never could. Especially when receiving the full blown hits of the peak of Jirou’s temper which was going on for a few days now. Kuroo was pinned to the floor under Jirou's weight as each soul shaking punch to his already sore face left his vision jumbled and tunneled, only barely being able to focus on the terrifying face of the monster above him. Kuroo could feel the fresh blood drip down his face and coat it like a warm blanket but he couldn't even raise his arms to defend it from more incoming blows, each more painful than the last. The weight was shifted off him and Kuroo attempted to sit up but a sharp, ripping pain in his stomach pinned him back down to the floor, he coughed up blood and curled up defensively as he could sense Jirou's foot swinging back towards him, this time connecting with his head. Blood was splattered up the wall as Kuroo was forced on his back again, unable to do anything but remain powerless in Jirou's uncontrollable anger. He wondered if Bokuto was dead, that thought making Kuroo wish he would just die too and questioned how the hell he was even still alive right now. His body was numb but on fire at the same time, his eyes unfocused and his mind a jumbled mess. Jirou’s screaming was muted and Kuroo moved his eyes away from him, an attempt to run away mentally if he couldn't do so physically. 

 

Jirou began to pull down Kuroo's jeans violently, catching his nails on Kuroo's skin as he did so and grabbed onto his waist, bruising him under his tight grip. He was so much in a blind hurry he didn’t even bother to try get his boxers all the way down, he yanked them far enough from the back to be able to enter. The thrusting was brutal, relentless and unbearably painful while he grabbed onto Kuroo's face and shoved the side of it down onto the wooden floor. Jirou brought his face close to Kuroo’s ear and breathed heavily. 

 

“You want to be a fucking whore then be one, you're fucking begging for this you bitch.” Jirou hissed the words so hard he spat all over Kuroo's face while he violated him. Kuroo could do absolutely nothing to help himself at this point, his body not attached to his mind and refused to cooperate no matter how much Kuroo screamed at himself to do something.  _ I'm so weak, it's laughable.  _ Kuroo brought his blurred vision back up to Jirou's face, seeing nothing but a bloodthirsty beast that vaguely resembled a human before he felt himself start to black out. 

 

... ...

 

_ “Kuroo… Kuroo.” _

 

_ That voice… I wish you’d keep speaking, it sounds nice.  _ Kuroo listened intently to the distant voice in the darkness and forced his eyes to open to connect the voice to a face. Everything was hazy, a messed up blur and Kuroo couldn’t make anything out for a moment. He sat up slowly, wincing at the horrid pain in his entire body as he did so and felt something wet where his hand was. His eyes travelled down to the source and met with dull, golden eyes staring back at him. Kuroo’s eyes slowly widened in horror as he looked at the lifeless Bokuto next to him, and his blood all over his hands. He scurried backwards until he hit a wall, his breathing erratic and heavy as he looked between his hands and Bokuto. 

 

“Bo… What-”

 

“You see, it’s a good as you killing him yourself huh.” Jirou’s voice came from beside Kuroo’s ear. Kuroo shook like a leaf in the wind, too terrified to look at Jirou and his eyes were glued to the corpse in front of him.

 

“Jirou… Jirou stop it…” 

 

“I’m only here to help you Tetsu… I told you you’re only mine, you knew what would happen if you betrayed that…  _ You fucking knew _ .” 

 

Bokuto suddenly ended up in his face, Kuroo having no recollection of him moving. Blood dripped down his face and his eyes were still void of life.  _ “It’s your fault.”  _

 

Kuroo’s vision flashed from Bokuto’s face to his shaking, bloodied hands in the sink. He held a knife slicing deep from the palm of his hand and up his wrist, blood seeping out rapidly and colouring the entire sink a bright red as he carried on staring down at it in horror. 

 

_ My fault, my fault, my fault… _

 

* * *

*

 

The room was bright, too bright to see anything straight away. Bokuto squinted his eyes to focus on his surroundings, there was a consistent beeping, a few muffled voices from outside the room, and light breathing. Bokuto followed the sound of breathing coming from next to him and spotted Akaashi slouched in a chair, sleeping. Bokuto’s brows furrowed as he began to look around more restlessly now, having no clue where he was. He attempted to sit up but a stabbing pain shot through his ribs and he hissed in pain, Akaashi jolting awake at the sound.

 

“Bokuto…?” Akaashi asked groggily, his eyes barely even open yet. He realised how distressed Bokuto was and woke himself up a bit more. “Hey, Bokuto! It’s okay-”

 

“Where the fuck- what… where am I, how did I…” Bokuto’s eyes were wide as he looked towards his hands, trying to recollect his memories. 

 

“You’re in hospital, Bokuto. You were hit by a car… Do you remember anything?” 

 

“Wh- no? Huh… Why the hell does everything hurt so damn much.” Bokuto groaned and brought a hand up to his ribs.

 

“Fractured ribs, concussion… A whole lot of other stuff…”

 

“When… how long have I been here?” 

 

“3 days, you were kinda awake yesterday but you were a bit out of it from all those pain meds.” Akaashi huffed out a slightly laugh and Bokuto raised his eyebrows.

 

“3 days…” Bokuto repeated, his eyes moving around the room slowly now. He stopped on the mass of cards, flowers and balloons next to him. “What… who’s are those?”

 

“Yours, you got quite a lot of visitors. Your mother is down at the cafeteria, she’s been worried sick.” 

 

“Crap… ugh I don’t even know- why the fuck was I hit by a car?!” Bokuto raised his voice, still confused about what happened.

 

“Shit happens. Driver was intoxicated and speeding…” Akaashi leaned back on his chair and pulled a face.

 

“Why are you doing the ‘I know something you don’t’ face?”

 

“Very specific facial expression hmm. And it’s nothing really…” Akaashi was going to leave it at that but Bokuto didn’t move his questioning eyes away from him and he sighed in defeat. “Do you… Did you remember like, I don’t know, fighting with anyone?” 

 

“What? Who would I be-” Bokuto halted mid sentence, his memories beginning to fall on top of him like bricks.  _ Kuroo… I was with him.  _ “Oh god… Oh my god I need to get out-”

 

“Don’t try and move, you’re not leaving anytime soon. What’s wrong?”

 

“Kuroo needs me, oh fuck where is he? Please don’t tell me he’s with that piece of fucking shit cunt ass-” 

 

“Bokuto! Speak slower.”

 

“Jirou, Jirou… That’s his name, he pushed me in front of that car.” 

 

Akaashi’s mouth dropped open, anger and shock masking his face. “He did  _ what _ ?” 

 

“Or like, I’m pretty sure he did… He stopped Kuroo from grabbing me and everything- please tell me you’ve heard from him?! Right?” Bokuto’s voice was desperate and pleading and Akaashi could do nothing but give him a sorry look.

 

“Bokuto… I’ve heard nothing from him.” Akaashi watched Bokuto’s frantic eyes fall down to his lap, doing nothing but stare at his hands. “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s fine.”

 

“Jirou didn’t hesitate to shove me in the road… What the hell would he do to Kuroo?” 

 

Akaashi had nothing to say, knowing Bokuto had every right to freak out right now but there was nothing they could do. 

 

“Fuck, I need to get out, when do I get better, when do ribs heal, when-”

 

“You wait for a doctor to give you the all clear before you even think about moving. And don’t you dare think you’re going after Jirou after he just put you in hospital.”

 

“Kuroo needs me, I can’t let him down…” Bokuto’s voice broke through a sob and he didn’t realise he was already crying. Akaashi placed a comforting hand on his arm, thinking about how much of a mess this whole thing is.

 

* * *

*

 

The wooden floor creaked under Jirou’s heavy footsteps as he walked into the dark flat, the heavy smell of cigarettes clinging to the air inside. The sound of some old school cartoons could be heard in the lounge where Jirou made his way towards, seeing Kuroo curled up on the sofa and staring blankly at the screen.

 

“Still watch that shit huh…” Jirou mumbled, heading over to the kitchen and emptying his pockets out on the table. He raised his eyes to look towards the sink, which was painted in red. Blood was literally spilt all along the counter, around the sink and down the counter cabinets. Jirou was frozen for a moment before hesitantly walking over to observe the mess. “Oi Kuroo… What did you do?” Jirou called from the kitchen, holding up a bloodied knife before throwing it back down in the sink and hurrying over to where Kuroo was. He crouched in front of him and waved his hand in his face, Kuroo’s eyes vacant and far away, neither light or emotion reflecting from them. “Show me your arms.” Jirou demanded, prying Kuroo’s hands open to let go of his sleeves. It took a fair bit of effort but he finally managed to push the sleeve back, and underneath was horrifically deep gashes going up from his palm and up his wrist, half crusted up and half still bleeding. Jirou pushed the sleeve up Kuroo’s limp arm more and discovered more cuts- no, words. The words  _ ‘my fault’ _ ,  _ ‘dirty’ _ and all sorts of other gibberish that Jirou couldn’t make out carved into his skin. 

 

“Have you got smack?” Kuroo’s monotone voice snapped Jirou out of his shocked daze and ripped his eyes away from Kuroo’s arm. 

 

“Kuroo, what the fuck did you do?!” Jirou yelled, pulling Kuroo up by the arm to sit him up. 

 

“Fuck don’t sit me up… I feel sick-”

 

“How long have you been bleeding like this?” Jirou’s voice quavered, checking Kuroo’s other arm which was in the same state. He looked back up at Kuroo’s face which he now noticed was pale and clammy. His eyebags were puffy and a mix of deep purple and pinks alongside the bruising on the sides of his face, the blood around his nostrils was dry and crusting. Kuroo just looked very unsightly and obviously hadn’t bothered to try clean himself up at all from when Jirou went mad at him. 

 

Kuroo drew his brows together slightly, as though he was confused. “...Huh?” 

 

Jirou huffed and exasperated sigh and put an arm around Kuroo’s torso, heaving him up. Kuroo was unsteady, stumbling a bit and Jirou held onto him tight. “Can you walk a bit? Just hold onto me…” He guided Kuroo over to the bathroom and sat him down next to the bath tub which he turned the water on for.

 

“You didn’t answer me… I really need some.” Kuroo mumbled, and Jirou looked back down at him. 

 

“Fine. Get your clothes off, I’ll get it.”

 

.

 

The room was clouded with steam from the warm water, Kuroo sat in the tub half asleep while Jirou held the syringe at the crook of his arm, plunger pushed down. Kuroo sank a little bit into the water and Jirou placed the syringe in the sink next to him and grabbed a cloth, dabbing the blood off of one of Kuroo’s mutilated arms. Jirou’s face was grim and irritated.

 

“These are way too deep, fuck Kuroo now we’re gonna need to go get the stitched up and you know what’ll do when they see this fucking evidence of total insanity?! Fucking keep you there. Literally tie you to a bed and watch you like hawks. Do you want that?” 

 

Kuroo shook his head slightly while he stared at the water with half lidded eyes. “There’s nothing there…”

 

Jirou looked at him confused. “What do you mean?”

 

“There’s  _ nothing  _ there. I did nothing…” 

 

“You’re fucking off your head… I’ll stitch them then.” Jirou turned his attention back at Kuroo’s arm and sighed. He was fully aware he was always the cause of driving Kuroo to these breakdowns, but they were getting worse each time and Jirou was starting to feel  _ sorry _ . It may have only been a brief feeling, only a slight moment of regret, but it was still there. Jirou pushed his thoughts back and reminded himself Kuroo is just his  _ thing _ , his  _ toy _ . He couldn’t process those emotions for the life of him, he had no idea why or how other people did it. It was just another unnecessary thing that gets in the way. What he felt towards Kuroo wasn’t love, it was possessiveness. He protects what’s his, and right now his biggest threat of taking Kuroo away was…  _ “Bokuto.”  _

 

* * *

 

*

 

The doctor was talking to Bokuto, but no words really reached past his ears. He nodded and hummed but didn’t really get a single word he was saying. Something about him being in the all clear.

 

“Wait, so I can go home?!” Bokuto interrupted the doctor. 

 

“Yes, but you need to stay with someone to observe that concussion of yours. If there are persistent problems you need to come back. Understand?”

 

Bokuto couldn’t help but pull an excited face. “Oh my god, thanks doc for taking care of me!”

 

“My pleasure, also I’ll prescribe some stronger painkillers for your ribs for the next couple of weeks, then once the pain mellows out stick to paracetamol or ibuprofen… I also advise taking time off work, as you are a fitness instructor. Physical activities won’t feel great for a few weeks.”

 

Bokuto nodded quickly and the doctor carried on talking, some stuff about not staying still for a long time but not to strain himself. Bokuto knew he was going to have to break a few rules, planning a war against Jirou.  _ I’m going to fucking kill him. _

 

.

 

Daichi was stood waiting for Bokuto outside in the reception and waved. A big smile crossing his face. “Bokuto! How you feeling?” 

 

“Brilliant actually, I could have left like ages ago why the hell did they keep me so long…” Bokuto whined and winced slightly at the pain in his chest. Daichi hurried forward to see if he’s okay but Bokuto waved him off and looked at his phone.  _ 16th November.  _ Bokuto’s face dropped instantly, his heart sinking. “Hey… You won’t happen to know where Kuroo would be right?”

 

Daichi glared at Bokuto, he face fearful and panicked. “Bokuto, don’t even think about going after him when you just got out of hospital.”

 

“Why the hell does no one else give a shit?!” 

 

“Bokuto!” Daichi hissed at Bokuto to quiet him down. “I care, okay? But that Jirou guy… Aka Kuroo’s fucking  _ crazy  _ boyfriend, you wouldn’t be in here if it weren’t for him. And you need to talk to the police, if anything that’d help Kuroo more than you getting yourself beat up.”

 

“The police… what if it makes everything worse? What if Jirou manages to dodge getting in trouble and takes it out on Kuroo?!” 

 

“What if it  _ helps _ ? Bokuto, you can’t do this alone.” Daichi said, his voice strong and steady. Bokuto always looked up to Daichi for his leadership, for making right decisions, for being reliable. He’s someone Bokuto could trust with everything, so he eventually nodded and sighed, following Daichi out of the building.

 

.

 

The care ride home was quiet, the sound of the radio playing the only thing thinning out the air. Bokuto couldn’t stop his thoughts from running wild, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t even know if Kuroo was okay right now. These thoughts were piling up and getting unbearably heavy and Daichi noticed Bokuto’s tenseness.

 

“Bokuto. It’s going to be fine, okay?” Daichi comforted, glancing at Bokuto quickly before returning his eyes to the road. 

 

_ Wait for me, Kuroo.  _

 

 

_ Bokuto: Kenmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa _

_ Bokuto: hey hey hey _

_ Bokuto: KENNASDNASDNA;SD _

_ Kenma: You out of hospital yet? Are you ok? _

_ Bokuto: yeah im good thanks hey i wanna ask a massive favour …  _

_ Kenma: … Why do I have the feeling it’s bad. _

_ Bokuto: because it kinda is. Can I have daishous num? _

_ Kenma: Why? _

_ Bokuto: pls, i really need to ask him something _

_ Kenma: fine, what are you planning though? _

_ Bokuto: its a secret ;)  _

 

.

 

Bokuto: Daishou ?????

_ [unknown]: huh whos this? _

_ Bokuto: Bokuto!! So its daishou right _

_ [unknown]: oh the owl, yo. So ur alive _

_ Bokuto: i need ur help _

_ Bokuto: you friends with jirou? _

_ Daishou: firstly, i fucking hate the guy but he doesnt know that, secondly…. Wtf why u askin _

_ Bokuto: where does he live?? I need u to get him out of his place. Kuroo would be there right? _

_ Daishou: Kuroo’s off the grid so ye i wouldnt expect him to be anywhere else but how the fuck am i meant to do that _

_ Bokuto: buy drugs off him or some bullshit, stall him, keep him away for at least half an hour. _

_ Daishou: he probably wont come out to sell them to me himself, he’ll get someone else to. _

_ Bokuto: well damn think of something! _

_ Daishou: why should i take orders from u ???? _

_ Bokuto: because im getting Kuroo out of that shit hole, u want that right? _

 

* * *

 

Bokuto never struggled so hard in his life with putting on shoes, the bending down being rather excruciating. But he tried to hurry up desperately and Daichi watched him from the kitchen door way with a concerned expression.

 

“Where are you off to?” He asked, pulling his brows together. “You should be resting.”

 

“Doc said… I gotta move around a bit!” Bokuto exclaimed, it wasn’t a lie at least. “I’m gonna walk around for a bit.” He continued.

 

“Oh yeah? Okay, I’ll come with you-”

 

“Nope, nope you’re doing uni work right?”

 

“Well not right now, come on I could use a bit of air too.”

 

“You just don’t trust me huh.” Bokuto pouted, groaning as he finally got his other shoe on.

 

“You saying that has only made me more suspicious. Where are you going?” 

 

“Don’t worry Dadchi! I’ll be back soon!” Bokuto stumbled out the door, hearing Daichi yell something as he, with much struggle, hurried over to the elevator and punched in the ground floor button. He scrolled through his and Daishou’s conversation and hummed to himself.  _ Actually only a 10 minute walk… or 20 with how slow I’m gonna go, fuck.  _ Bokuto wanted to punch himself, as if that would miraculously make his broken ribs better. 

 

.

 

To Bokuto’s angered surprise, it in fact took almost half an hour to make it to the apartment building. He groaned as he pulled out his phone again to message Daishou, but paused as he looked around and observed the place. It wasn’t a new place, but not too old either. He spotted a few people stood outside their doors smoking, or on the phone and pacing, some hanging out their clothes on the railing. It was a very tall building and Bokuto knew it might literally take him another half an hour getting up the stairs. 

 

_ Bokuto: k im here _

_ Daishou: finally _

_ Daishou: he turned up 10 mins ago, i got his other friend to ask him to hang out so hurry up _

 

He shoved his phone back in his pocket and jogged towards the building and up the many stairs, it was tiring Bokuto out a lot faster than this sort of thing normally would. He ignored his exhaustion and pain and carried on jogging, desperate to get to Kuroo. He was occasionally passed by people who looked at him funny, probably noticing he wasn’t from the area and Bokuto just gave them the awkward smile and nod, pushing forwards up the stairs. He finally reached Jirou’s floor and walked up past the doors, muttering the numbers to himself. 

 

  1. _Found you._ Bokuto stood outside the door and watched it for a little while, slightly nervous. He gulped and banged on the door, the knocking could probably be heard 3 floors down. There was no answer for a while and he carried on knocking.



 

“Oi! Kuroo, you in there?” Bokuto called, but there was nothing.  _ Shit!  _

 

He kicked the door in frustration and leaned on it, fiddling with the handle a little bit and found himself falling as the door fell open. 

 

Bokuto yelped and clung into the door for his dear life. “Oh shit-” He regained his balance and looked into the dark flat, mulling over whether he should go further.  _ I got this far. _

 

“Kuroo…?” He tried to called, but it was more like a shouted whisper. Bokuto shut the door behind him and walked along the hallway, widening his eyes as he saw the walls and floor stained with  _ blood _ . “Holy fuck… Kuroo you here?” He said a bit louder, now making it into the lounge and kitchen area. The T.V was on but no one was watching it. His eyes moved down to the table which was scattered with empty baggies, some half full baggies of powder, glasses of water, spoons, lighters and needles. Bokuto felt the cold sweat crawl down his back as he couldn't draw his eyes away from it for a while before pushing himself to walk further into the flat, peeking in a few rooms but found nothing. 

 

Bokuto found himself sighing in irritation, Kuroo wasn’t here. This was his only chance to do something, to help him without Jirou trying to kill him. A light ping sound, as though something small fell on the floor sounded ahead of Bokuto and he shot his head up to look. There was a room, the bathroom presumably, where the door was shut and the light inside was shining from underneath the door. Bokuto hurried over to the door and knocked.

 

“Kuroo?” Bokuto’s voice wavered, and he trembled slightly as he waited for a response. There was only silence. “Kuroo? You’re in there right? It’s Bokuto…” He knocked harder and his heartbeat picked up in pace.  _ Open the door, open the door Kuroo…  _ Bokuto pulled the door handle down a few times but it was locked. “Hey! I know you’re in there so don’t pretend you’re not!” 

 

Worry aroused in Bokuto’s chest as he desperately pulled on the handle and shook the door violently.  _ Why isn’t he answering?!  _ He began to use more force and threw his weight into the door, upon the 5th tackle the door finally gave way and wood splinted out onto the floor. He ran in and spotted Kuroo slouched on the closed toilet seat _ ,  _ his head resting back on the toilet flusher box and slightly lolled to the side. Bokuto’s eyes wandered down to his arm, a sort of elastic string thing loosely hanging off the top and then spotted the  _ words _ . They were a deep red, attempting to scab over but too deep to heal properly and some blood still looked fresh, Bokuto’s mouth gaped open and his eyes wild with horror. A syringe was on the floor next to Kuroo and Bokuto snapped himself into action as he realised what’s wrong and lunged forwards to Kuroo, grabbing his face and shoulders to shake him awake.

 

“Oh fuck, Kuroo wake up! Kuroo!” Kuroo was limp and unresponsive, and Bokuto used more force in trying to shake him awake. He began to panic and fret, looking around the bathroom for something that could help, anything. He had no idea what he was even looking for and cursed at himself for wasting time. Bokuto quickly grabbed an arm and put his other arm around Kuroo’s back to lift him. Kuroo was pure deadweight and Bokuto hissed in pain as he strained his ribs by picking him up. “Come on Kuroo, wake up please! Oh fuck…” He struggled to drag Kuroo out of the bathroom and accidentally dropped him to the floor as he made it to the hallway again. He leaned down to put his ear to Kuroo’s mouth. He was breathing, but very shallowly. Bokuto put his hands back around Kuroo’s face and shook him again, his skin cold and clammy. 

 

Bokuto whipped his phone out to call an ambulance but his breath faltered at the series of texts from Daishou.

 

_ Daishou: yoooo hes fucking left have u got kuroo yet??? _

_ Daishou: bokuto _

_ Daishou: oi answer me, u already left right??? _

 

_ 12 minutes ago… oh fuck.  _ Bokuto forced open Kuroo’s eyes and put his face right in his. “Kuroo! Can you hear me?!” Kuroo’s hazel coloured eyes were on full display, his pupils may as well not have even been there.

 

“He’s nodded off to another world, leave him be.” A voice snickered and Bokuto stumbled on the floor as he tried to turn around quickly. Jirou was stood at the door.

 

“He took too much you dumb shit!” Bokuto shot at him and turned back around and got his phone out. Heavy footsteps approached Bokuto and a strong grip got a hold of his arm and pried his phone out of his hand. 

 

“You won’t need this.” Jirou hummed, holding up Bokuto’s phone and Bokuto felt his heart beat out of his chest. 

 

“I’m leaving.  _ With  _ Kuroo.” 

 

“No you’re leaving, and he stays. You can’t just walk off with what’s mine.” Jirou laughed. 

 

“His arms… have you even seen what you did?!” 

 

“Oh he did that to himself, not my fault he’s got loose screws.”

 

Bokuto shot up off the floor and grabbed Jirou’s shirt, his eyes blaring wide with anger. “ _ You  _ made him like this you crazy fuck! What the fuck do you get out of it? Out of beating him like that? Out of  _ raping  _ him?!” Bokuto couldn’t bare the word as he said it, a sick feeling turning his stomach and horrified that Jirou could even do something like that without remorse.

 

“There’d be less beating if he actually did what I said for once, but he’s always been a provocative little shit. He got his joy out of pissing me off on purpose. As if he wished I’d kill him, but that’d be too easy on him, wouldn’t it? And rape isn’t even a real thing, he’s mine so I do whatever the fuck I like with him.” 

 

Bokuto couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His ears felt poisoned and damaged from listening to such insane, inhumane things leave his disgusting mouth. “You’re… Crazy. There’s something seriously wrong with you…” His words shook as he glared up at Jirou, wanting nothing more but to murder the monster in front of him. “ _ I’m going to fucking kill you.” _

 

A rather psychotic laugh erupted from Jirou before he shoved Bokuto backwards into the wall off him, but Bokuto just rebounded back towards him and connected his fish to Jirou’s jaw. Jirou barely shifted from the force and his smile didn’t even die out. Bokuto kissed his teeth and grabbed a vase from near him and smashed it in Jirou’s face, this time getting more of a reaction and  _ lots  _ of blood. Bokuto couldn’t stop there, he lashed out with everything his had, his knuckles split from hitting Jirou so hard, and Jirou was beginning to crumble and back down under Bokuto’s persistent blows. A groan came from behind them and Kuroo sat up slowly on his elbows.

 

“What the fuck…” He mumbled, turning his head slowly towards Bokuto and Jirou. Bokuto gasped and dived back down to the floor next to Kuroo and grabbed his shoulders.

 

“Kuroo! Get up we need to go!” He shouted and Kuroo squinted his eyes at him.

 

“Bokuto… Huh-” Kuroo pushed himself up a bit more and rubbed his face. “I’m having a really nice dream..” 

 

“No dream, we gotta go-” Bokuto was interrupted by Jirou yanking him up but his shoulder.

 

“Kuroo just tell him you don’t wanna leave.” Jirou said, his voice laced with amusement. Bokuto frantically looked between Kuroo and Jirou’s terrifying bloodied face.

 

“Uh, I don’t wanna leave?” Kuroo said with a hint of confusion.

 

“Kuroo! He’s just gonna keep hurting you!” Bokuto cried out, but shock overtook his face as Kuroo just carried on looking unfazed at all.

 

“I’m fine here.” Kuroo’s voice shook with uncertainty, as though his subconscious knew he was lying to himself. Bokuto froze, his eyes unmoving from Kuroo before Jirou pulled him down to the floor and kicked him repeatedly in the face and stomach. 

 

Bokuto coughed and gasped as he got winded and his already broken ribs felt like they broke more. He forced his eyes on to Kuroo, who brought his knees up and hands covering his face, trembling. 

 

“Jirou stop…” Kuroo pleaded, shakily beginning standing up. “Jirou stop!” 

 

Kuroo lashed out at Jirou, throwing himself into him and they both stumbled away from Bokuto. Bokuto sucked in a wheezed breath as he struggled to breathe while Jirou slammed Kuroo into the wall and latched his hands around his neck, pushing his fingers into his soft skin while Kuroo struggled to loosen Jirou’s grasp and gasped for air desperately. 

 

“Tetsu… why don’t you learn? You  _ really  _ hurt my feelings.” Jirou hissed in Kuroo’s face, who pushed Jirou’s face away and dug his fingers into his eyes. Jirou shook his head to release Kuroo’s latched fingers and held on tighter around his neck. 

 

Bokuto could barely even move from his fetal position on the floor, his vision blurred and his insides battered to a pulp. He used the wall for support as he forced himself to stand up, reaching out a hand towards Jirou and Kuroo. Jirou pulled Kuroo away from the wall and shoved him down to the floor, turning his attention back to Bokuto to kick him in the face again, sending him back down the the wooden floor.

 

“Since you can’t get over your crush getting fucked by someone else…” Jirou said, disappearing into the lounge for a moment before appearing again, stepping over to Bokuto and yanked him by the hair to bring his face close. “Watch close. Watch what this whore does best, being a great fuck hole.” Bokuto felt himself stop breathing, he felt his blood run cold as he desperately tried to get himself to move but his body refused to cooperate. Jirou dragged Bokuto next to the radiator and handcuffed him to it, Bokuto violently pulling away in a futile attempt.

 

“J-Jirou don’t do this- leave him alone!” Bokuto spluttered, drool and blood spraying from his mouth as he watched Jirou cease Kuroo’s struggling by pinning down and fumble at his trousers. “Jirou stop!” Bokuto screamed, his voice strained and pleading, but Jirou ignored him. Kuroo was squirming away from Jirou but he easily dragged him back and held him still. Bokuto had never felt so hopeless in his life, he’s never felt so defeated, but he couldn’t give up here. He pulled on the cuffs so hard his wrist began bleeding and the radiator shifted and cracked the wall. Bokuto tugged relentlessly and whipped his head back around when he heard Kuroo’s muffled protests from Jirou holding his face on the floor. Bokuto’s heart was in his throat as Kuroo was being raped, right in front of him. And he couldn’t do a single thing. “JIROU YOU ASSHOLE, STOP IT!” Bokuto’s voice was raw from screaming so hard, and tears mixed with the blood on his face as he screamed furiously again at the radiator, pulling desperately and ignoring the fact it was very close to ripping off his hand. Bokuto looked back at Kuroo, horrified. 

 

“Bo…” Kuroo’s voice croaked, “ _ please don’t look. _ ” His broken voice came out as a whisper and his glassy eyes squeezed shut while his struggling died down. Bokuto became more and more frantic, but the radiator clung to the wall like no tomorrow. It lasted for another 20 minutes although it felt like a never ending nightmare. His wrist was completely raw, skin nonexistent under where the cuff bounded him. 

 

Bokuto sat there, numb in mind and body. The world went still for what seemed like hours while he stared down at the floor, trembling from fear and anger. He raised his eyes slowly back up, watching Jirou pull the smuggest face ever as he finished. He smiled and kissed Kuroo all over the face in mockery. Bokuto’s vision was tainted a deep red. “Get your filthy fucking self off him.” He growled, returning to throwing himself around violently to get himself free while Jirou just laughed. 

 

“Wow I think I broke him you know, he’s still like a doll. Why don’t you look?” Jirou snickered, slapping Kuroo’s face lightly, his eyes distant and vacant staring off to the wall, tears still escaping them. Bokuto could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, more rage uncontrollably building up rapidly and just waiting to blow up.

 

A fury filled scream left Bokuto’s throat as he yanked on the cuffs a final time, the radiator completely detaching from the wall. Water sprayed out in every direction and Bokuto grabbed the radiator and ran straight towards Jirou like a bloodthirsty charging monster. He was out for blood, he didn’t care about morals anymore, he only cared about killing Jirou right there and then. A clang sound filled the air as the radiator connected with Jirou’s face, blood showering the wall next to him and the small tapping sound of teeth falling to the floor. Jirou fell onto his back, but didn't get a chance to put his arms up to defend himself as Bokuto already stamped on his chest, winding him. A choked wheeze came from Jirou and Bokuto felt himself laugh, laugh at Jirou’s sorry state. This was his chance to give Jirou everything he deserved, and he wasn’t going to hold back. 

 

“I’ll shove a fucking pole up your ass, see how you like to be fucked you piece of dog shit.” Bokuto hissed, still repeatedly stamping on Jirous chest, face and crotch. “How dare you… How fucking dare you hurt him like that. He’s a person! He’s fucking human! Not a damn play toy you could just break like that!” Bokuto felt tears stream down his face and his nose get bungled up.  _ I’ll go to prison happily if I get to see this cunt rot, see him beg for his fucking life, I want him to suffer so fucking bad, he deserves it all- _

 

“Stop.” Kuroo’s listless voice came from behind and Bokuto froze. He slowly turned his head to look at Kuroo was sat up now, his expression was terrified. “Bo… where are you? There’s only Jirou...” He whispered, and Bokuto felt the world crumble around him. Bokuto turned his head back to Jirou, who was a bloody pulp under his foot. Bokuto raised his free hand up to his hair and pulled at it, horrified that he was capable of doing this, that he  _ did  _ do this. 

 

“K-Kuroo… I’m right here-” Bokuto stuttered and hurried over to Kuroo who scooted away from him. “I will  _ never…  _ hurt you like he did.  _ Never _ .” Bokuto’s voice cracked as he realised Kuroo was scared of  _ him _ . “I didn’t mean… I was mad… I didn’t want him to ever do that again, so p-please Kuroo. Please don’t…” Bokuto reached a shaky hand towards Kuroo, who stared at it with fear. “I’m Bokuto, not Jirou. I never will be Jirou, I promise...” 

 

Kuroo’s hand slowly made its way to Bokuto’s outstretched arm, holding warily onto it for a moment before clinging onto it tightly.

 

“I won’t  _ ever  _ let you get hurt again…” The anger still lingered in Bokuto’s voice, his mind persistently reminding him of what Jirou did to Kuroo. Bokuto wiped his tears and smiled. “Happy birthday... Kuroo...” 

 


	10. Simmer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only took **three** painfully long months to update //shot. and you know what? Turned out I had the majority of this chapter already written out and I just totally forgot about it. My god I could have posted it so much earlier I'm sorry! The only reason I'm able to update right now is because most of it is done, and new updates may take a few more weeks (or unless I free up my time I could maybe fit one in soon). I hope this chapter makes up for the wait... haha probably not but nevertheless I hope it's enjoyable to some extent!

The hospital environment was becoming all too familiar to Bokuto. That stifling antiseptic smell and the undertone of bleach breezing past, the sound of doors being open and shut, secretive talking, shouting and crying. It was _so_ familiar. Bokuto would have never expected to memorize what the waiting room looked like in a space of a week. Daichi was sat next to Bokuto, silently. He knew he didn’t have to say anything, but it was being there that counted. Daichi ended up following Bokuto to Jirou’s and called the police, thankfully. He was charged with the possession of class A drugs and domestic abuse, so Jirou was finally chained down and away from Kuroo. But that didn’t stop Bokuto’s anger from peaking, he couldn’t help but feel desire to kill him. It sickened Bokuto that he even thought that way, it was pretty low for him. Kuroo’s voice repeated in his head, _“There’s only Jirou.”_ and it was haunting him. _I’m different from that…_

 

“Bokuto… are you okay?” Daichi’s voice pulled Bokuto away from his thoughts and he forced a smile.

 

“I’m fine… I only just fucking dragged Kuroo in here… He’s gonna hate me.”

 

“He _needs_ to be in here, his… wounds would have definitely got infected left untreated.”

 

“He didn’t want to though… I literally took the last little big of control he had in his life.”

 

“He didn’t want to, sure. But have you seen him? He’s not well Bokuto… He’s not in his right mind to know whether he needs or doesn’t need to be in hospital.” Daichi sighed and gave Bokuto an apologetic look. “I’ve called Akaashi by the way… Told him what’s going on so he won’t freak out later.”

 

“Thanks.” Bokuto raised the ice pack back to his face and slouched in the chair.

 

Slow footsteps approached Bokuto, who was staring off into space. “Bokuto Koutarou?” A deep male’s voice sounded, Bokuto turned his head to see the doctor. “Would you like to come through, looks like we’re gonna need to do some stitches.” He gestured his hand towards the gash beside Bokuto’s eyebrow.

 

“Oh, yeah cool.” Bokuto managed to get out after staring a bit too long, standing from his seat and giving a nod towards Daichi.

 

**.**

 

The numb yet stingy feeling of the stitching made Bokuto flinch away several times, leaving the doctor sighing when he had to pause. Bokuto gave him a sheepish look and tried to concentrate on the walls, in which they were bland and boring. As expected in a hospital.

 

“So, I thought you seemed familiar…” The doctor hummed, his eyes still focussed on stitching Bokuto’s head. “Didn’t come in from a car accident not long ago?”

 

Bokuto’s eyes widened and he did a slight laugh. “Yeah… I’ve been pretty unlucky huh.”

 

“Or maybe pretty _lucky_ , look on the bright side… You’re still alive right?” The doctor  said with a smile, Bokuto drew his eyes to him and got lost in thought. “Right, all done! I’ll be prescribed some antibiotics to avoid infection…” The doctor’s voice got lost in that underwater void in which Bokuto let his mind wander, his ears blocking out any sound to distract him. _Bright side… I just saved Kuroo, and that’s good… right?_

 

**.**

 

Daichi directed Bokuto outside, where Kuroo went to smoke. He hovered behind Kuroo while he lit his cigarette, looking for something to say. Anything would do, but Bokuto couldn’t even force his mouth open to speak. He took a few steps towards Kuroo, reaching his hand out to touch his shoulder but stopped himself, dropping his arm back down next to him.

 

“Hey… Kuroo.” Bokuto started, Kuroo turned his head towards him. “You alright?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Kuroo breathed a laugh, the sarcasm easily missable in his voice. Bokuto felt his face drop slightly in shock before regaining himself.

 

“I-I… So like, ugh fuck I dunno.” Bokuto tripped over his words and sighed in frustration, but Kuroo’s laugh brought Bokuto’s head back up. “You… wanna like maybe stay with me tonight?”

 

The silence went on for a while, making Bokuto nervous. “Uhhh… That okay with Daichi? Don’t wanna take up space-”

 

“He wouldn’t mind! Besides you could just share the bed with me-” Bokuto halted mid sentence, horror crossing his face. _He just got out of a fucked up relationship, don’t get too eager Bokuto…_ “Or take my bed, I’ll sleep on the sofa I don’t mind…” His golden eyes wandered towards the ground and flicked them around nervously, before raising his eyes back up to Kuroo who had a rather content expression.

 

“I don’t mind sharing.” Kuroo smiled, but Bokuto saw it didn't reach his eyes.

 

* * *

 

As soon as Kuroo’s head hit the pillow, he was completely knocked out. So deep in sleep he wasn’t even in his signature position, which looked strange to Bokuto. Kuroo’s head was always hidden and suffocated between pillows, but this night he got a proper look at Kuroo’s sleeping face. It looked calm, relaxed, like nothing in the world could bother him, but even so he still didn’t look at peace. Bokuto couldn’t draw his eyes away from Kuroo’s sleeping self, almost as if if he looked away he would just disappear and slip right through his fingers again. He held his hand over Kuroo’s face, desperate to touch him, but an invisible force felt like it was holding him back with chains. That force being something along the lines of fear. Bokuto didn’t know how he could ever touch Kuroo again, afraid he might just smash and shatter under his touch, no matter how gentle he was.

 

“Fuck.” Bokuto hissed into the dark, retreating his hand away from Kuroo. He looked back briefly before quietly opening the door and tiptoeing into the kitchen. The lights were on and Daichi was sat at the table with a coffee, reading a book. “Wow, coffee at this time?”

 

“I haven’t had one all day, good bye to my sleep…” Daich muttered, turning the page. He looked back up and Bokuto and furrowed his brows. “Kuroo okay?” He asked, lowering his voice a bit.

 

“He uh… fell asleep real quick.” Bokuto said, pulling out a chair to sit on.

 

“Been a long day…” Daichi pulled out his phone to look at the time, it was 10:46pm.

 

They sat in silence for awhile, the only sound being the turning pages of Daichi’s book. Bokuto got up to make himself tea, clanging the spoon on the insides of the cup as he stirred. “Hey… Daichi?” Bokuto began, standing deathly still staring into the tea cup. He didn’t turn around to check if Daichi was even listening before continuing. “What do I do…”

 

Daichi put a scrap paper in his book and closed it, leaning back in his chair. “About Kuroo?”

 

“I was fucking dumb. I thought it’d be as easy as just getting that fucking piece of- Jirou… out of the way. It still feels the same though…” Bokuto turned to face Daichi, who was waiting for him to keep talking. “How the hell am I meant to fix this? Kuroo won’t just be okay just like that… I mean have you seen him?”

 

“Unfortunately there isn’t magic in this world… there’s no short cuts to fix something like this. It’s not even a case of fixing though, you just have to help him through. It’ll take time but he will heal if he has a support. You got this Bokuto, trust me.” Bokuto didn’t notice Daichi stand up, who was holding onto his shoulder now giving him an encouraging smile. Bokuto’s face relaxed a bit, Daichi’s words helping him. A slight chuckle from the door startled the two.

 

“Wow you’re both looking sappy as fuck,” Kuroo said, raising his eyebrows, “I didn’t hear any of your secretive conversation, don’t worry.”

 

“Wha- Kuroo!” Bokuto stuttered, eyes wide. “You still look tired… what you doing awake?”

 

“Uhhh dunno really, just-” Kuroo was interrupted by the sound of his stomach making sounds close to a whale. “No clue at all-”

 

“Fuck yeah! You’re hungry?! Let’s go maccies!” Bokuto jumped over to Kuroo like an excited puppy, the latter not getting any time to speak before Bokuto dragged him away by him arm. Daichi watched in shock for a moment before smiling.

  


Bokuto couldn’t praise a 24 hour McDonald’s enough, a late night munch just flooded his mind with nostalgia, but this nostalgia he didn’t mind because right now he was just reliving the days. Bokuto went a little bit over the top with ordering food, forgetting Kuroo is not even a big eater anymore.

 

“Okay… here’s the deal. We finish all this and you get to pick what movie we watch later.” Bokuto said.

 

“Deal, you can do most of the work.” Kuroo smirked.

 

Bokuto yelped and threw a fry at Kuroo. “Nope, nope, finish all this _equally_!”

 

“Too late, you already set the deal.”

 

“Fuck Kuroo you’re such an ass… Come on you gotta get some gains! Look at your lanky ass self.”

 

“Total model material now right? All that slender trend going on-”

 

“Bulkier the better! Fuck you and your bag of bones. I’m saying it now, you’re coming gym with me.”

 

“Oya, really? See I wouldn’t mind… Gyms tend to have some pretty comfortable seating areas.”

 

Bokuto groaned before putting the straw in his mouth, scrunching up his face a bit. “Fuck, brain freeze.”

 

“Huuuh what even is that drink?”

 

“Strawberry lemonade or something, try it!” Bokuto almost threw the drink in Kuroo’s face as he held it up in front of him. Kuroo hesitated before taking a sip out the straw, also pulling a face.

 

“What the fuck that’s cold… I like it.”

 

“Nice right?! God I’ll happily freeze all my teeth for this…” Bokuto went back to giving himself and brain freeze and Kuroo chuckled.

 

“Hey Bo.” Kuroo started, dipping a fry into his milkshake. “I didn’t say it earlier… Thank you.”

 

Bokuto froze, the jolt visible from a mile away as he stared at Kuroo. He put the strawberry lemonade down onto the table slowly. “F-for what?”

 

“Guess for just… sticking with me. Even though I’m an ass to you. You’re so dumb like that…”

 

“They say… those who are mean to you are the ones who fancy you.” Bokuto winked and Kuroo snickered. “But honestly… I’d fight the world for you, okay? You’re literally my soul mate, I just can’t quit on you…”

 

“Soul mate… that’s cute.” Kuroo hummed. “You shouldn’t care so much though, it’s pointless.”

 

Bokuto didn’t raise his eyes to look at Kuroo and carried on shoving food in his mouth. “Don’t care whu’ you say Kuroo, I’m never quitting on you. Better get used to that.” He swallowed his food and downed his drink to wash it down, looking at Kuroo. “You’re not gonna push me away. I’m not gonna go anywhere.”

 

Kuroo was leaning his chin on his knuckle while he watched Bokuto, a small smile crossing his face. “Stupid owl.”

 

“Kuroo… Can I ask you something?” Bokuto asked, Kuroo nodded. “Please tell me the truth… are you okay? Like today was…” Bokuto couldn’t understand how Kuroo was so ‘okay’ about what happened, to the extent he’s pretending it never happened.

 

“It’s almost as if you want me to say no.” Kuroo laughed.

 

“Because you saying yes just means you’re still lying to me…”

 

Kuroo watched Bokuto drop his gaze and sighed. “Fine, I’ll just say forget about it. I’m used to it anyway.” He shrugged and directed his attention back to his food, as if it literally was _nothing_.

 

The silver haired man felt himself wanting to scream and shake some sense into Kuroo. The anger was brought back up to the surface, he couldn’t believe Kuroo was treated that bad for so long he could just ignore it. _No one should ever get to that point…_ “Please don’t say that…”

 

“I’d _feel_ better if it was forgotten.” Kuroo didn’t raise his eyes but Bokuto heard the ice and bitterness in his voice. Bokuto ran his hand down his face and forced himself to drop it.

 

“Hey, it’s still…” Bokuto glanced at his phone quickly, “40 minutes left of your birthday. Let’s celebrate.”

 

“McDonald’s isn't a celebration?”

 

“Even though you blanked me for months,” Bokuto squinted his eyes at Kuroo who chuckled guiltily, “I still planned your birthday gift.”

 

“Confident we were gonna be talking again huh…”

 

“My prediction was right, asshole.” Bokuto shoved the remaining of his burger in his mouth and stood up, brushing off the crumbs. “Now get up, I need to give you it before midnight.”

 

**.**

 

Kuroo wanted to ask where they were going, but stopped himself to just appreciate the peaceful walk. The breeze was so gentle it was almost as though it wasn’t there, yet the air was crisp. Bokuto had done several not so subtle glances towards Kuroo’s hand and Kuroo sighed.

 

“You can hold it if you want.” Kuroo chuckled, Bokuto flushed red.

 

“H-huh? No, no it’s fine.”

 

“What? Too dirty to touch now?” Kuroo asked, although it was clearly a joke it stabbed Bokuto painfully in the heart.

 

“Fuck, no Kuroo it’s just…” Bokuto’s pace began to slow and he looked towards the ground. “Is it okay?”

 

Kuroo rolled his eyes and did a dramatic sigh, grabbing Bokuto’s hand. Bokuto flinched at how cold his hand was and stood still for a while. “See? Won’t hurt to hold my hand.” Kuroo couldn't hold back his snicker.

 

“So cold…” Bokuto mumbed. “Now I see why you wanted to hold my hand so badly!”

 

“Says the one who glared at my hand like some damn coyote waiting to jump on it’s prey.”

 

“You’re delusional.” Bokuto found himself clinging onto Kuroo’s hand tight enough they were locked together, it made his chest feel warm. “Hey, hey we’re almost here… Okay you sit on that bench and I’ll be like 5 minutes. Okay?”

 

“Uhhh, sure?” Kuroo was slightly confused as Bokuto began to walk off, yet still left his fingers weaved between Kuroo’s as they began parting. “You’re gonna have to let go first.” Kuroo laughed, and Bokuto stuck out his tongue.

 

Kuroo made his way to the bench and pulled the almost hollow box of cigarettes out of pocket, lighting one between his lips. He was surprised that there were still people walking around at this time, sober people that is. It didn’t even take 2 minutes before he heard fast footsteps approaching, looking back to see Bokuto jogging over, holding a bulge in his jacket.

 

“Thank fuck she was still awake…” Bokuto leaned a hand down on his knee to catch his breath. “You… will never guess what I got you.”

 

Kuroo raised his eyebrows, looking between Bokuto and his jacket. “What…”

 

“Meet Nameless!” Bokuto yelled, opening his jacket. A small, fluffy black head of a cat popped out. A tiny meow left it and Kuroo’s eyes were wide and watery.

 

“It’s… a cat.” Kuroo reached his hands towards the cat and Bokuto handed the fluff ball to him, who purred and rubbed it’s head on Kuroo’s chest.

 

“A he. He was a stray and he just reminded me so much of you. But yeah this cute little old lady offered to keep him until your birthday. She called him Nameless… I mean that’s something right?” Kuroo couldn’t get words out, everything he had built up crumbled and crash on top of him. His cheeks sheened with tears and his nose bungled up. “Oh fuck, Kuroo?! Hey, hey are you oka-”

 

“Bo, I fucking love cats…” Kuroo sniffled, putting his head down towards the cat. Bokuto watched in shock as Kuroo just broke down, trembling with sobs. He slowly sat down next to Kuroo and put his arm around him.

 

“I’m guessing I topped your present huh… making you cry like this and shit…” Bokuto let out a half laugh, but it died out with the worry in his voice.

 

“Totally of happiness.”

 

“Go on, say you’re fine now.” Bokuto mocked, and Kuroo breathed out a small laugh between his sobs.

 

“I’m so fine.”

 

* * *

 

Bokuto knew it wouldn’t be easy, but the initial shock of realising how hard it would be never went away. From the constant nightmares and restless nights to Kuroo’s unpredictable outbursts. It was all falling into an uncontrolled spiral down into a bottomless hole, and Bokuto didn’t know how to stop it. On top of his deteriorating mental state, Kuroo’s soul eating addiction was not helping one bit. This would never make Bokuto quit on him though, he always knew those good moments were worth every struggle and pain it was to get to them. Or at least he convinced himself that they were, while they became increasingly rare.

 

“Kuroo…” Bokuto nudged Kuroo’s arm, who was sat at the table with his head in his hands. “Kuroo… wake up.”

 

“‘M awake…” Kuroo mumbled, not budging from his position. Nameless walked along the counter and meowed.

 

Bokuto dropped a syringe on the table and waited for Kuroo to raise his head. When he didn't do so in a while he knocked on the table, snapping him awake again. “Are you serious?” He hissed, glaring at Kuroo. “You better answer me right now.”

 

“What about it.” Kuroo groaned, leaning back into the seat.

 

“You need to fucking stop this.”

 

Kuroo laughed bitterly. “Well it’s not hurting anyone, so fuck off.” He grabbed the syringe and pushed past him, stopping at the door. “And quit going through my shit.”

 

“Where were you last night…” Bokuto asked, not turning to face Kuroo. “And how the fuck are you even paying for that crap.”

 

“Cheaper than my ass that’s for sure.” Kuroo snickered as Bokuto spun around to look at him horrified. “Too soon?”

 

“Kuroo-”

 

“Actually… I’m going for a walk. See ya.” He turned to leave and Bokuto went after, but was stopped as he realised how pointless it was. Bokuto stood alone in the hallway, staring at the shut door Kuroo exited from. Daichi peaked his head out of his room and cleared his throat.

 

“Fuck, you’re still here?” Bokuto mumbled.

 

“Sorry to intrude in my own home.” Daichi laughed. “Uh, you two okay though?”

 

“Okay? Are we okay? He’s fucking crazy! I can’t even talk to that asshole without him blowing up in my face and the only time he’s not angry is when he’s too fucked up to even open his damn eyes properly!” Bokuto stopped to catch his breath and began to pace around. “And he’s constantly disappearing without fucking explanation or shit, he does does whatever he fucking pleases without giving a shit about what I think. Like did you fucking hear him?! He’s probably still out being a wh-” Bokuto mentally cut off his tongue to stop himself from saying the word and felt himself get crushed under the guilt he even thought about calling Kuroo that. _What the fuck is wrong with me._

 

Daichi looked on towards Bokuto, concerned. “He has been getting a lot worse recently… have you spoke to him about it?”

 

“I _try_ Daichi. He can’t fucking talk! He’ll tell me to fuck off or go on about how fucking annoying I am or something! Daichi… he’s just getting further away from me and I don’t know what the fuck to do… It’s fucking making me crazy how useless I am what the fuck. I thought I could do this but I fucking can’t…”

 

“You need to give yourself a break. Let him do whatever, he’s an adult. But he’ll still come back to you.”

 

“How are you so sure?”

 

Daichi looked towards Nameless, who was rubbing his head against the wall. “Because he’s like a cat, you feed them they’re gonna keep coming back. Right now you’re the only one feeding him any sort of love, he won’t give that up no matter how bitter and angry he gets. Besides, he’s been coming back to you this whole time, am I right?”

 

Bokuto looked up from the floor, his face still distressed and pained. “Yeah… guess you’re right…”

 

“But you need to put yourself first, seriously. How do you expect to help someone when you’re not even on level ground yourself?” Daichi walked over and held up a brush and dust pan in front of Bokuto, looking at it questionly.

 

“What-”

 

“Nameless did a shit in that room.”

 

“For fucks sake.” Bokuto facepalmed so hard the ‘smack’ sound almost echoed.

 

“You guys ever gonna give that poor thing a real name?”

 

“He’s definitely staying as Nameless now.”

 

* * *

  
*

 

Kuroo watched intently at his burning cigarette, the bright orange shining through the dull, burnt grey brightly like lava solidifying. Flakes occasionally broke off and drifted down very slowly, getting lost somewhere in the world where Kuroo couldn’t follow. He diverted his eyes to Matsuo, whose mouth was moving and hand waving around.

 

“... ..ey… Hey! You listening?” Matsuo yelled, sighing in frustration when Kuroo finally nodded. “Ugh I actually prefer you as a coke head, you spoke then.”

 

“I speak now…” Kuroo said slowly.

 

“Very… slow… and… mono...tone…” Matsuo mocked, rolling his eyes as Kuroo smiled dopily. “So, now your ‘boss’ is out the picture, bet you’re looking for work.”

 

“Hmmmmm nope not really. Jirou had cash at his so I’m sorted for… long enough.”

 

“It’d run out eventually. Come on as much as I love you sucking me off like a lolly I’m gonna need money at some point.” Matsuo gave Kuroo a side glance to check if he even reacted, but there was nothing. “You’re good in that field right? Why not carry on?”

 

“I’m kiiiiinda trying to actually like some other guy, pretty impossible if I’m still being… Like this.”

 

“Hilarious, didn’t seem that way an hour ago.” Matsuo chuckled.

 

“I fucked up, clearly.”

 

“Smack is so beautiful… you fall for it harder than you could ever fall for a person.”

 

Kuroo pressed the cigarette down into the ashtray, staring at it for a while. “Reckon you’d be able to get me work tonight then?”

 

“Oh, you naughty boy… Of course I can.”

 

_There’s two wonderlands, the fake one and the real one. The fake one, significantly easier to get into with all the same shit but lacks to sincerity of it’s content. The real one, a nightmare to get into but everything about it is worth every tear and blood shed to make it there. Or so they say. So as humans, we pick the easier path and wallow in that soul sucking land we believe to be paradise. What we don’t know doesn’t hurt us, right?_

 

* * *

 

Kuroo was a professional at tiptoeing, as silent as the night’s gentle breeze. Bokuto, as usual left the door open, even though most nights Kuroo doesn’t even come back. Kuroo wanted to kick Bokuto for being so sickenly optimistic. _Why are you like this Bo…_ Kuroo trembled out of his control, and felt the void in his chest wider than ever as the guilt and shame tore it open more. He watched the blue tinged lights from the T.V light up the dark apartment and walked slowly to the lounge. Bokuto was huddled under a blanket, his arm hanging down off the sofa and lightly snoring. Kuroo made his way towards him and sat cross legged on the carpet in front of him.

 

“Bo…” Kuroo mumbled quietly, watching Bokuto’s peaceful sleeping face. “Bokuto.” He said a bit louder, and Bokuto stirred a bit and cracked up an eye.

 

“Hey… Kuroo.” He croaked, squinting his eye almost shut as he raised his dangling arm up to touch Kuroo’s hair.

 

“I can’t do it Bo...” Kuroo leaned into Bokuto’s touch.

 

“Do whu’” Bokuto slurred, shutting his eye again.

 

“I can’t… be the Kuroo you want me to be.”

 

Bokuto opened both of his eyes with a struggle and sat up slowly, looking at Kuroo. “Wh- no I don’t want you to be anyone other than you.”

 

“This ‘ _me’_ right now is a piece of shit… I don’t deserve your effort.”

 

Bokuto was snapped awake upon hearing those words and grabbed Kuroo’s hand. “Shut up Kuroo, you’re not a piece of shit-” A wet feeling in Kuroo’s hand made Bokuto pause, looking down. The darkness hindered his ability to tell what it was. “Kuroo… what’s on your hand.” When Kuroo didn’t answer, Bokuto heaved himself and Kuroo up and dragged him by the arm towards the kitchen, slapping the wall as he looked for the light switch.

 

“Bokuto let go...” Kuroo squirmed under Bokuto’s grip and pulled backwards in a futile attempt to get free.

 

The light almost blinded the two men, whose eyes were adjusted to the dark. Bokuto squinted down as he brought Kuroo’s hand into a close range sight. Red. Dripping, bright red. And a lot of it. “Kuroo what did you do…” Bokuto felt himself shake as he pushed up Kuroo’s bloodied sleeve to lay his eyes upon 3 jaggard deep cuts along his inner forearm, layered on top of his older injuries. “Oh fuck.”

 

“It’s just an accident.” Kuroo mumbled while he watched Bokuto fret around for cloth and dig around the cupboards for the first aid. He was about to withdraw his arm and pull his sleeve down over it again but Bokuto pounced on him and held onto his arm.

 

“D-don’t, it might get infected…” Bokuto collapsed into the chair, eyes wide and teary at Kuroo’s arm. He put his head down on Kuroo’s hand as his body was wracked with sobs, Kuroo looked at him in shock.

 

“Bo… Bokuto please don’t cry.” Kuroo reached a shaky hand to touch Bokuto’s hair while he cried.

 

“I c-can’t even fucking help you… I always say I’m gonna fix it but nothing is g-getting better…” Bokuto paused to sniffle, embracing Kuroo’s arm tightly. “Kuroo I’m sorry… I’m doing such a shit job-”

 

“Shut the hell up, it isn’t your job to fix my shitty life. I fucked it up myself.”  

 

“I should have persistently fucking called you or something! I shouldn’t have just fucking accepted you not talking to me, I should have fucking known something was up! But I didn’t. I just went on with my dandy life and _dared_ believed you were fine.” Bokuto’s eyes were wild and tear filled as he stared at Kuroo. Kuroo sighed and ran his clean hand down his face.

 

“Shit like that happens, we drifted. Nothing we could do about it now…”

 

“I should have been there for you… I didn’t even fucking ask if you’re okay I was just being bitter that you didn’t talk to me much. I’m such a fucking- ugh! Fuck!” Bokuto lashed out, kicking the table and grabbing his face to hold himself back from screaming.

 

“Daichi’s going to kick you in the head if you carrying on kicking the table.” Kuroo attempted to lighten the situation, but Bokuto was hysterical. “I’ve never known… a better person than you Bokuto. We’re only human. If someone didn’t talk to me for god knows how long I wouldn’t bother about them for shit.” Kuroo shuffled around the table and held Bokuto’s head between his hands, directing his face to look at him. “I fucked up, and only I can fix that. So stop worrying man.”

 

Bokuto could barely see past his tears, and blinked rapidly to try to get them out of the way. So he could get a really good look at Kuroo. “It sucks… the first time we’re actually talking without you snapping like crazy at me is because I’m crying.”

 

Kuroo groaned and covered his face. “I’m a dick I know… Sorry Bo.”

 

“No I’m just gonna carry on crying now so you stay nice.” Bokuto choked out a laugh, reached out to Kuroo. “I love you… So please stop pushing me away.”

 

“Deja vu. Last time you said that you got hit by a car.”

 

“Shut up. Promise me.”

 

“If you tell me one thing, why are you trying so hard?”

 

Bokuto sat in silence as he thought about it. “Soul mates, remember?”

 

“Cringey shit, love you too.”

 

Bokuto’s eyes returned to Kuroo’s bloody arm and the look of terror began to make it’s way on his face again. “It’s… bleeding a lot that needs sti-”

 

“No- no. Seriously. It’ll heal on it’s own…”

 

“And please _stop_ hurting yourself.” Bokuto ran his hand down the rough texture of Kuroo’s arm, scars on top of scars, and the scabbing of his more recent inflictions. “If you feel like doing it come to me and punch me in the face or something, I don’t care.”

 

Kuroo laughed half-heartedly, touching his forehead against Bokuto’s. They stayed like that for a while, Kuroo had his eyes shut but Bokuto could look at him forever if need be. Kuroo turned his face up slightly until their lips were almost touching, they could have kissed right there and then, but Kuroo pulled away. “I’m seriously… not worth it. Tonight I…” Kuroo held his breath as he looked at Bokuto’s hopeful face, desperate to not let that face fall into despair. _He won’t forgive me._

 

“Not judging, but kinda hurts.” Bokuto mumbled, Kuroo tried to pull away completely but Bokuto held him close. “We’ll go job hunting tomorrow, sound fair?”

 

“...What.”

 

“A new job… will make you happier right?” Bokuto watched Kuroo drop his gaze and nodded slightly. “And then maybe… getting clean?”

 

Kuroo’s eyes screamed panic and distress. “Bo I… I _can’t-_ ”

 

“Yes you can, you don’t need that crap.”

 

“I don’t want to stop…” _I don’t want to let go of that paradise…_

 

Bokuto’s eyes were pleading as he looked over Kuroo’s face and sighed. “Okay… Okay don’t worry.” He smiled, but it was a painful smile.

 

_I’ll only make you unhappy._

 

* * *

  
*

 

Everything felt dark and hazy, Bokuto struggled to force his eyes open. A heavy feeling weighed on his chest as he slowly looked around. _I know this place… hey, am I on the floor?_ The confusion and disorientation was overwhelming as Bokuto struggled to comprehend where he was. He felt a cold touch on his face and focussed his eyes in front of him. _Kuroo._ “Kuroo?” He said, but his own voice sounded distant and faded.

 

“If you _really_ wanted to, you could have helped me. But you didn’t.” Kuroo’s voice was rough and weary and his face looked strangely different.

 

“W-what?”

 

“I meant that little to you? Hell, you can’t even bare to touch me. I’m so filthy aren’t I.”

 

“Kuroo no what the fu-” Bokuto’s voice caught as large hands wrapped around Kuroo’s mouth slowly, and his eyes bloodshot and teary. Bokuto tried to reach out to get the hands off but his hands were handcuffed to the radiator. _No… no what the fuck, how the fuck?!_ “Shit! Fuck, Kuroo run away!” Bokuto thrashed around against the cuffs, but couldn’t get out.

 

 _“Why would he? He loves me too much.”_ Jirou’s voice was all the more dark and sinister from behind Kuroo, Bokuto felt himself go lightheaded at the sound. He slowly turned his gaze up towards Kuroo again to see Jirou hold his face next to his, and plant a sly kiss on Kuroo’s cheek.

 

“Don’t fucking touch him, fuck! Kuroo get the hell out!”

 

Jirou released his hand from Kuroo’s mouth and Kuroo leaned in towards Bokuto’s ear to whisper. “You’re so _weak_ compared to him.”  

 

… … …

 

A sudden, throbbing pain spread along Bokuto’s forehead as he threw his hands up to cling onto his head. He groaned and sat up, opening his eyes to frantically look around. He was in bed, the light was barely shining through the curtains and there was Kuroo.

 

“Fuck, your head is so fucking hard I think I got concussion from that…” Kuroo whined, holding his head between his knees. “Bad dream?”

 

“I- uh whu… What happened?” Bokuto mumbled, still dazed.

 

“I dunno you were kinda moving around a lot so I looked over and you sat up… Really quick. Goodbye brains.”

 

Bokuto began to realise Kuroo was actually in front of him and threw himself towards him, grabbing the sides of his arms and looking him over. “K-Kuroo… Oh shit you’re okay? You were-”

 

“You were dreaming. And you’re gonna break my arms if you carry on holding so tight.”

 

“Shit, sorry…” Bokuto hurriedly let go of Kuroo and looked around sheepishly. Kuroo patted him on the shoulder and smiled.

 

“You awake now? I’m hungry.”

 

Bokuto couldn’t help but snicker. “Wow, Daichi was right…” Kuroo raised an eyebrow and waited for him to elaborate. “You’re _just_ like a cat.”

 

“Oh feed me Bo.” He snickered, and ruffled his head on Bokuto’s chest. Bokuto let out a heartwarming laugh and pulled up Kuroo’s head to look at his face. He could get lost in Kuroo’s cat like hazel eyes, the warm colours appearing to swim in a galaxy. Bokuto dived in for a lip crushing kiss before Kuroo could pull away, a smile blending with the kiss. Kuroo stuck his tongue out and wiggled it around against Bokuto’s teeth to repel him, which worked as he shot backwards and wiped his mouth. “Damn your face is appetizing and all but that’s for desert.”

 

“Gross Kuroo!” Bokuto playfully shoved Kuroo who almost fell backwards off the bed from the tiny bit too much force and Bokuto’s heart skipped a beat before relaxing again. “Hey, hey, hey… Get changed, we gotta go job hunting.”

 

“What. No I don’t wanna woooork-” Kuroo shut his mouth when Bokuto shot him a scary look and he sunk under his gaze. “The last _actual_ work experience I have… was some shitty part time summer job when I was 16. Who the fuck would take me.”

 

Bokuto leaned back onto his pillows and thought hard, it _was_ difficult to get a job. “Daichi… Daichi!”

 

“Daichi…?”

 

“Yeah! His dad owns a bar! Daichi would totally help you- he did mention they’re looking for bartenders.”

 

Kuroo cracked up into a laugh, a tragic look on his face. “Bartender? Damn, I can’t even hold my own drink right fuck trying to actually pour drinks and shit.”

 

“Shut up now you’re just being picky, come on. You’ll be that one hot bartender that customers swoon over… And come back for more! +1 to the business.” Bokuto barrelled off the bed, patting Kuroo on the back before running down the hall shouting for Daichi.

 

**.**

 

Kuroo hovered nervously behind Daichi as he spoke on the phone and looked up at the bar. Amazing was an understatement of how it looked, Kuroo never expected to even set foot near a luxury bar such as this one, let alone try and work in one. This place screamed ‘rich businessmen’ all over. Kuroo’s eyes caught Bokuto squashing his face in the window with a face of a child in complete awe, he thought it was pretty adorable and chuckled a bit. The sound of Daichi ending the call drew the other two’s attention to him. “Kuroo make your face look a bit more interested.” Daichi motioned towards Kuroo’s face.

 

Kuroo sighed. “I am though, it’s just my face.”

 

“Smile a bit then, you look miserable. Come on, Bokuto you wait out here.”

 

Bokuto face dropped from a stadium beam to a dark alleyway as he was told to stay outside, watching Kuroo follow Daichi into the building. Bokuto felt like his nerves were on fire for Kuroo. _He just needs this, this is a good enough start… come on Kuroo you can do this…_

 

“This isn’t an interview or anything so don’t worry… He just wants to see you.” Daichi looked at Kuroo briefly as he walked on, nodding at the lady who stood near the door with a clipboard.

 

“He isn’t as scary as you right?” Kuroo asked, his eyes wandering around the dimly lit room. Everything looked so sleek and shiny, and literally untouchable.

 

“Haha, we’ll see…”

 

**.**

 

Sawamura only looked like a slightly older, more strict version of Daichi. If Kuroo was drunk at that moment he honestly wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the two. Kuroo had never been so nervous talking to someone, although the conversation was very one sided as Kuroo was too scared to do much other than nod.

 

“...So if I were to give you this job, you would promise me you’d give your all? I need this bar to stay on top, so my staff need to play the part too.” Sawamura said, his eyes held strong on the quivering Kuroo.

 

“Y-yeah, cross my heart.”

 

“Okay you got it!”

 

“What.” Kuroo didn’t know what expression to pull, so he just dropped it as a blank face.

 

“Huh?” Daichi chipped in, as shocked as Kuroo.

 

“You’re my lovely successful son’s friend right? Can’t turn you down. But put some cucumbers on your eyes or something, you start next Tuesday. Once I ordered your uniform in I’ll give it to Daichi to give to you. You know what size you are?” Sawamura had a smile plastered across his face that almost looked unnatural yet warming.

 

**.**

 

Bokuto got bored outside and decided to go inside. He fiddled with the fancy ornaments in the waiting area, afraid to touch much but too curious to leave them be. As he ran his finger down this particularly beautiful vase it began to tilt, and his heart dropped 10 stories while he sloppily grabbed it, looking around not so subtly as he held his hands out to it as if to ensure it wouldn’t fall again. The vibrations of his phone ringing drew his attention and he answered it.

 

 _“Hello?”_ Bokuto asked.

 

 _“Bokuto, hey.”_ Akaashi’s voice came through and Bokuto instantly perked up.

 

_“Akaashi! Hey, hey what’s up?”_

 

_“Nothing much, finish class early today so you wanna hang out?”_

 

_“Sure! Hey, guess what… Daichi is helping Kuroo get a job at his dad’s bar. Oh god if he gets it I might cry.”_

 

_“Wow that’s really good, how is Kuroo?”_

 

_“A bit better… I think. I dunno… I mean this job will totally make him happier right?”_

 

_“I’m sure it will, once you’re all done there come to mine. Daichi and Kuroo too.”_

 

 _“Yea-”_ Bokuto was interrupted by Kuroo’s bed head popping around the corner, his toothy grin spread across his face and thumbs up. “YEEEES!”

 

_“I think you burst my eardrum…”_

 

_“HE GOT IT, FUCK YEAH!”_

 

“Bokuto shut up!” Daichi hissed as he walked past Kuroo who was chuckling.

 

 _“See you later Akaashi!”_ Bokuto almost yelled, his excitement uncontainable.

 

_Beep._

 

“Uh… was he being serious about the cucumbers?” Kuroo asked, looking in the reflection of his phone at his eyes.

 

Daichi huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, so let's go buy some.”

 

“Oh come on my eyes aren’t that bad!” Kuroo whined, and received very perplexed looked off Bokuto and Daichi. “Okay, whatever. Assholes.”

 

* * *

 

Conversations floated around the room, laughs and gasps and whatever else mixes in with a conversation. They got pizza takeaway, which further deteriorates their diet, and had transformers movie playing in the background. Kuroo could hear someone talking to him, but he couldn't focus on the voice or keep his eyes open for the life of him. A strong nudge helped him snap his head back up.

 

“Kuroo?” Kenma asked, his eyes glazed with worry.

 

Kuroo just looked blankly at him, raising an eyebrow before he realised he must have nodded off. “Shit, what did you say?”

 

Kenma glanced at Akaashi and Bokuto hurriedly jumped over to sit by Kuroo, grabbed the top of his head. “He’s had a long day! He’s just a bit tired…” Bokuto defended, shrinking away from Akaashi’s glare.

 

“Uh… sorry, I’m going to the toilet.” Kuroo excused himself and pushed himself up off the sofa, disappearing into the bathroom with Bokuto watching after him. He gave Kenma an awkward smile before taking another slice of pizza.

 

“What wrong with him, seriously?” Kenma asked, his big cat like eyes pleading Bokuto.

 

“Tired! He’s fiiiine, nothing to worry about…” Bokuto lied, knowing full well if they found out he’s using the life ruining heroin they’ll shit themselves and go nuts. Bokuto looked over to Daichi who held his hand up to his forehead before walking over.

 

“He’s…” Daichi started, giving a quick look to the very panicked Bokuto, “He doesn’t sleep well at night. Don’t worry.” Bokuto sighed in relief. It wasn’t a total lie at least.

 

Bokuto could help but feel a gaping hole in his chest as he lied to Kenma about it, but it would only cause more pain. _What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him._ “Guys… have you all got advent calendars yet?” Bokuto’s attempt to sway the conversation seemed to work as the tension was almost instantly lifted.

 

“It’s not even December yet.” Akaashi said.

 

“So?! It’s like a week away stop with your grinch attitude.” Bokuto shot back at Akaashi, who smirked.

 

“Suga got like 10…” Daichi groaned.

 

“Mediocre! I got 20.” Bokuto puffed out his chest proudly and Akaashi kicked him.

 

Kuroo emerged from the bathroom rubbing his eyes and had a cigarette between his lips. “Going for a smoke.” He muttered and made his way out the front door, Bokuto frowned. The way Kuroo was acting now was seriously resembling the nasty Kuroo he’d been dealing with for weeks. Isolated, uninterested, verge of snapping at thin air. _Today was going so well, I don’t get it._ Bokuto’s eyes moved towards Kenma who was pulling some shoes onto his feet.

 

“Kenma?” Bokuto asked.

 

“I’m going to talk to him, I won’t be long.” Kenma said in a low voice, not looking up.

 

“W-wait are you sure, he migh-” Bokuto was stopped by Daichi’s hand on his shoulder, giving him a warning look to leave him be. He sighed and fiddled with the bits of his hair falling out of place, slouching in his seat while he heard the front door open and close again.

 

**.**

 

Kenma never intentionally sneaks up on people, he’s just a quiet person in general. Not only in speaking but apparently his walking too. When he reached out his hand to tap Kuroo’s shoulder he didn’t really expect him to jump 5 feet away from him in a frantic shock.

 

“FUCK Kenma! Speak before you tap, remember?” Kuroo breathed out, the panic still lingering in his voice.

 

Kenma’s lips curled in amusement at Kuroo’s fright. “Sorry. Just wanted to talk.”

 

“Sure. Today isn’t a conversation holding day for me so you’re gonna have to lead.”

 

“Well,” Kenma thought for a moment about what to say, there was so much he wanted to ask but he had to pace is correctly, “how have you been… lately.”

 

“Fine.”

 

An exasperated expression creeped its way onto Kenma’s face at the bluntness. Although he would be hypocritical to get mad at that because he’s pretty blunt himself, it was just unlike Kuroo. “Have you spoke to your mum lately?” Kenma noticed the tiny jolt in Kuroo’s posture, feeling victorious he scored a reaction.

 

“Uhhh… Not really.” Kuroo took a long drag out of his cigarette and leaned against the wall. “Not in like a year actually.”

 

“She rang me… not long ago. To ask about you, she said you never answer your phone.” Kenma watched Kuroo slouch further onto the wall. “You should really talk to her.”

 

“And say what.” Kuroo laughed unexpectedly that made Kenma jump. “God, she’d be disappointed in me. I’ve done shit.”

 

“No she won’t, she loves you and just wants to know if you’re okay. You really gonna leave her hanging like that?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“We can go see her, me and you. My mum wants me to visit soon anyway so let’s go.”

 

Kuroo’s dull eyes raised from the concrete ground and up to Kenma, holding his gaze for a little while. “She wouldn’t want to see me.” Kenma heard the pain drip from Kuroo’s voice, although he tried to hide it. He walked over to Kuroo and held onto his arm lightly.

 

* * *

 

It was quiet, as usual. Every day was pretty silent, despite Kuroo was next to Bokuto. In the past there was no such thing and silence when the two were together, they were annoyingly and uncontrollably loud. Now it’s just occasional small talk or arguments over nothing then sat around doing their own thing. Bokuto knew he couldn’t make Kuroo speak, but he couldn’t help but feel they were drifting further apart. Conversations started and ended in bickering and snapping. Kuroo was trying to control his temper and Bokuto understood that, but it wasn’t working. On top of it all, Bokuto felt they were further apart _physically_ as well. Being near Kuroo felt like a danger zone, like red alarms blared all over the place if they came within touching range. It was soul crushing.

 

Bokuto looked over to the other side of the sofa where Kuroo sat with his knees up, scrolling through his phone. “So… how’d you find work last night?” Bokuto asked.

 

Kuroo paused his scrolling but didn’t move his gaze towards Bokuto. “Was fine, I guess.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Bokuto held his voice back from raising, wanting to scream at Kuroo and ask how they could make things better. “You working tonight?”

 

“Nah, tomorrow night.”

 

“I see, cool…” _Keep talking Bokuto… Say something, anything._ “Wanna watch a movie?”

 

“No.”

 

“...Play a game?”

 

“Nope.”

 

The Kuroo he was talking to was nothing but an empty shell of the old Kuroo. “Fuck, Kuroo! What then?!” Bokuto burst like a wine bottle then gasped slightly as he realised he just shouted. Kuroo was looking at him with raised eyebrows before looking back down at his phone. “Sorry…”

 

“Don’t worry.” Kuroo stood up and Bokuto perked up with panic as he thought he was leaving, but he just went into the bathroom. Bokuto slumped into the sofa and sighed, his eyes falling to the floor as he got lost in thought. This was how everyday was, and Bokuto didn’t know whether to just get over it and admit that’s just how it’s going to be or be totally and utterly heartbroken about it. There was something clearing wrong but he had no idea how to fix it or how to even pinpoint the problem. _He just needs time, he’ll come around eventually right?_ Bokuto reached for the remote to turn on the T.V, putting it on The Walking Dead. _Season 2 was so lit…_ Bokuto almost didn’t notice Kuroo come back and drop himself on the sofa, bringing his knees up again. He’s always curled up, _like a cat._ A small chuckle left Bokuto and Kuroo looked at him.

 

“I- uh… Just thought how much you look like a cat when you sit like that.” Bokuto stuttered out.

 

Kuroo took a while to even process what Bokuto said and breathed out a laugh. “It’s cold.”

 

“Yeah… nearly winter now huh.” Bokuto side glanced Kuroo who didn’t look like he was going to say anything, so he took that as his queue to just carry on talking. “I got you an advent calendar by the way! Cat one, obviously. It’s pretty cute. I’m so buzzing for Christmas.”  A quiet ‘mhm’ came from Kuroo’s direction. “Dude are you even listening?” Bokuto was about to throw the remote at Kuroo before he noticed his head resting on his knees, a light snore coming from him. He slowly shuffled closer to Kuroo, trying to get a better look at whether or not he was asleep. Turned out he was. “Kuroo… wanna go to bed?” Bokuto whispered, poking Kuroo on the arm. But no response. Bokuto sighed before flicking his eyes towards Kuroo again, a sort of scheming expression crossing his face as he took another shuffle closer. When Bokuto was sure Kuroo wasn’t going to wake up he moved right up next to him and tugged on his arm, the force pulling Kuroo to let his head fall on Bokuto.

 

“What are you doing.” Kuroo grumbled, voice thick with sleep and Bokuto jolted in surprise.

 

“Shit- umm… Your neck might hurt if you sleep like that! I’m a better pillow.”     

 

“Mmm, okay. Love you Bo.” Bokuto felt his heart stop beating, or either beat so fast he couldn’t feel it anymore. It felt like _heaven_ to hear Kuroo say that, and Bokuto caught himself subconsciously grinning.

 

“Love you too Kuroo…” He felt his eyes grow heavier as the minutes passed, slowly letting his head drop onto of Kuroo’s soft, messy nest and drifting off into a faraway dream.

 

**.**

 

_Buzz… buzz… buzz…_

 

 _What the hell is that… Alarm? Fuck off I’m having a good dream…_ Golden eyes cracked open in the darkness, searching for the source of the buzzing. It took Bokuto a minute to realise he wasn’t even in bed, and the weight on him was Kuroo who was still asleep like the dead. Bokuto spotted the flashing from underneath Kuroo’s hand and slowly reached over, careful to not wake Kuroo up as he slid the phone away from him. Matsuo was ringing, Bokuto had no idea who that was so he waited for the call to stop. It felt like forever before it stopped ringing and went back to the lock screen which was covered in text messages.

 

_Matsuo: Tetsuuuuu why you ignoring me_

_Matsuo: Bailing tonight?_

 

 _What the fuck… is he still-_ Bokuto looked down at Kuroo and frowned, his heart sinking as he thought about what those texts could mean. He lightly tapped Kuroo on the face to try and rouse him, but failed. Bokuto sighed and sat for a while, staring into the darkness feeling nothing but hopeless and very upset. He couldn’t understand _why_ Kuroo would put himself through that crap, _why_ he would keep himself down that black hole. What did that kind of life give Kuroo that Bokuto couldn’t? The question that tortured the silver haired man’s mind and he ran through it over and over again. Did Jirou really break him to the point of unfixable? Was it really impossible for Kuroo to move towards the light? _Fuck._ He shook Kuroo’s shoulder again. “Kuroo… hey let's go to bed.” Bokuto squirmed from Kuroo to get up off the sofa and held his face between his hands, but Kuroo wasn’t going to wake up. He scratched his head for a moment before hooking his arm under Kuroo’s legs and back and heaving him up with more force than was necessary, expecting him to be heavier but he was scarily light. “Damn Kuroo you should eat more…” Bokuto muttered, knowing Kuroo wasn’t going to hear but he didn’t really care.

 

He made his way slowly to his room, dodging walls and careful to not whack Kuroo’s head on anything, which he succeeded at but Kuroo’s feet weren’t so lucky. As they made it to the bedroom in one piece Bokuto leaned down to drop Kuroo on the bed and was painfully reminded about his still healing ribs, hissing in pain. Kuroo still didn’t rouse and Bokuto was starting to wonder if he was even alive, placing his hand under his nose. Warm air, slow and light but still there. He sighed in relief as he looked down at Kuroo before climbing over him to get to his side of the bed. _Crap I’m not even tired anymore. Hey owls stay up at night. How do they even see in the dark, some sciencey shit. Wait are cats nocturnal too? Wait nah cats just sleep whenever. Like this one._ Bokuto groaned at Kuroo and turned to face him. _Wow he’s so pretty… Those damn sharp eyes- wait._ His eyes widened as he realised Kuroo was looking right at him. It was hard to tell at first and thought the dark was just playing tricks on his eyes, but no Kuroo’s eyes were actually open. “Kuroo?” Bokuto whispered, still unsure.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Oh shit you’re actually awake.” Bokuto turned over to turn on the night lamp then faced Kuroo again. “You okay?”

 

“Mhm…” Kuroo turned on his back and looked around. “Uhhh, we…”

 

“My room. Carried you in, you’re light as fuck bro…”

 

“Maybe you’re just strong.” Kuroo snickered.

 

“Aw don’t flatter me!” Bokuto put his fist on Kuroo’s forehead. “You need to eat.”

 

“I do eat.”

 

“Never see you eat. You’re always asleep, you probably think you’re eating because you dream of food.”

 

“Food dreams are life though…” Kuroo sat up and did a little stretch, groaning as he did so. Bokuto watched Kuroo, finding him irresistibly attractive. The frustration was making itself very clear to Bokuto now, he just wanted to reach out and touch him but his mind screamed at him not to, but just this once Bokuto shut his mind off and shuffled close to Kuroo and slowly putting his arms around him.

 

“I miss you…” Bokuto breathed into his neck, feeling the goosebumps raise on Kuroo.

 

“I’m right here though.”

 

“I miss being close to you, it feels off these days I’m not gonna lie.” Bokuto continued to run his nose up Kuroo’s neck, reaching his ear and nipping the lobe a bit. “Sometimes it’s like you’re not here at all…” Kuroo was silent but he raised his arm to cup his hand around Bokuto’s face as he kissed his neck gently, gradually turning more aggressive. Bokuto couldn’t control himself anymore and yanked Kuroo down onto the bed, pinning him under his weight as he looked deep into his eyes. It didn’t take long for Bokuto to dive onto Kuroo face, viciously french kissing and a small moan left Kuroo that turned Bokuto on even more. He felt like he was in the hottest day of summer again, the sweat sheening and dripping from his skin as he preyed on Kuroo. Kuroo’s slightly chapped lips danced with Bokuto’s while they mauled each other, Bokuto breathed in Kuroo’s scent which was the usual cigarette smell but also a bit chocolatey, he couldn’t tell if it was coming from his mouth or he literally smelt like chocolate. _Someone’s had a sweet tooth maybe?_ They pulled away briefly to catch their breath and Bokuto pushed Kuroo up the bed and against the wall, grabbing onto his shirt and hair as he sucked on his neck.

 

“Bokuto…” Kuroo breathed into his silver hair, but Bokuto was too lost in the lust to hear him. He tugged down Kuroo’s sweatpants and ran his hands back up his legs, gripping his thighs roughly. _So soft._ Bokuto leaned down and kissed the insides of Kuroo’s thighs, the latter squirming a bit and clinging onto Bokuto’s hair before pulling him back up for another kiss. It felt so amazing, great, perfect and _wrong_ . Bokuto’s body was going straight for his prey, yet his mind screamed at him to stop. He forced his thoughts back and he aggressively pulled Kuroo’s hips towards him, holding up Kuroo’s arm up against the wall as he grinded against him, fumbling with his own trousers as he prepared himself to enter. _Bokuto don’t do it._

 

Bokuto’s eyes widened in fear and terror as he felt Kuroo tremble beneath him. The memory of what the _monster_ did invading his mind and Bokuto shot back away from him in a cold sweat. “Oh fuck, shit, shit I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Kuroo…”

 

Kuroo stared at Bokuto, still panting from their activity a moment ago. “What for… I’m fine.”

 

“I’m a fucking ass, I didn’t- Fuck! I didn’t even ask if it was okay, I was being fucking selfish, fuck, fuck-”

 

“Or you can’t handle dirtying yourself by fucking a cum dumpster.” Kuroo chuckled. “It was fine, really.”

 

“If it’s fine why do you look _scared…_ ” Bokuto’s voice came out as a whisper, and there was a deathly silence for a moment too long.

 

“Guess it’s habit.” Kuroo shrugged. “Come on, I’m horny now.”

 

Bokuto did a hesitant glance up at Kuroo before pouncing at him without a second thought, shoving him hard into the wall. He reached for the lube and lathered his cock generously before entering him, a little whine coming from Kuroo as he struggled against Bokuto. “A-are you sure?” Bokuto had stopped himself half way to check on Kuroo, who nodded. He couldn't rid that sinking feeling in his stomach as he pushed all the way in, Kuroo biting down hard on Bokuto’s shoulder. His thrusts started off slow and careful, afraid to hurt Kuroo, but the warmth coming from Kuroo felt comforting, the way his clung to Bokuto made him feel _close_ , that closeness Bokuto had been craving so badly for so long. All the aggression and roughness from earlier had faded into a calm bliss of appreciation and connection. _This is fine, this is perfect…_ Bokuto moved his hands to Kuroo’s face, holding it between his trembling hands as he looked at Kuroo. Every detail to his face made Bokuto’s heart skip a beat, the soft redness across his cheeks and nose, the light gleam of sweat on his smooth face, his eyes lustrous reflecting the dim light of the night lamp. He looked _beautiful_ . Bokuto leaned down to kiss him softly on the lips, the two holding that not so much of a lustful moment, but more of a loving moment. It was one of those kisses that screamed _‘I love you’_ silently but the world would still hear it. It was strange to Bokuto, for how hard it has been to communicate with each other for so long prior to now, but all that struggling seemed to have disappeared and it felt like the two had been this close forever with nothing standing in their way.

 

**.**

 

They were silent, the silence being the norm but this kind of silence was painful in every aspect. Bokuto was sat up against the wall and looked over to Kuroo who was facing away and curled up. He felt absolutely awful, guilty and as if he just used Kuroo. It was going well, but Kuroo was gradually fading from the moment, as if he blocked it out. It was understandable, and that’s what made Bokuto want to scream the most. _Why the fuck did I do that, shit._ Bokuto wanted nothing more than to hug Kuroo, to embrace him and keep him safe, but it felt like the most wrong thing to dare touch him at that moment. “Kuroo… I’m sorry.” Bokuto murmured into the dark. Kuroo remained silent, but Bokuto could tell he was awake. “We shouldn’t have done anything, that was my fault, I’m sorry-”

 

“You can’t be scared to touch me forever.” Kuroo interrupted and Bokuto felt like he just read his mind, his mouth gaping open.

 

“Wha- no, no that’s not it!”

 

“Can’t you just forget what you saw?”

 

“No I fucking can’t! And I don’t know why the hell you can just ignore it when it was happening for years… And every time we…” Bokuto knew if he went on it would start a fight, but he couldn’t hold his tongue back. “Every time… we get close like this, you fall backwards. _Every_ time. You won’t admit you’re scared too, which I’m totally okay with with! But you way of dealing with it is just pushing me away and not opening up at all, why can’t you trust me?!”

 

“Last person I trusted so easily fucked me over big time.”

 

“I’m not Jirou!”

 

“No one is _Jirou_ to begin with. Everyone is _so_ perfect.” Kuroo’s breath seemed to catch on a sob. “Jirou was so perfect, how could I not fall for that crap. And now I’m falling for your shit too, I’m just fucking myself over really.” Bokuto couldn’t believe he was hearing it, hearing Kuroo _admit_ he did love Jirou. It was agonising to hear. He reached out a hand to touch Kuroo’s shoulder but he recoiled away like a frightful animal. “Don’t fucking touch.” He spat, the sharpness of his voice catching Bokuto off guard.

 

“Shit, sorry, sorry…” Bokuto shuffled away from Kuroo again, but saw the tears running down his face and felt his heart drop. “Kuroo… please. I would never hurt you like that you know that!” _No, he doesn’t know that._ He reached out his arm again but didn’t touch Kuroo, he waited for Kuroo to reach to him. “I get you probably won’t trust anyone again, and that’s fine… But give me a chance, _please_.”

 

Kuroo’s glistering eyes flicked between Bokuto’s hand and his face, debating internally with himself. “Why are you even trying so hard. You literally get nothing out of it.”

 

“If I can see you happy again… I get _everything_ out of it.”

 

Kuroo’s barrier was beginning to crack and fall, slowly raising his hand to interlink it with Bokuto’s. Bokuto proceeded to moved closer to Kuroo with caution, to avoid startling him or anything, and pulling him into a hug. Kuroo was a quiet crier, but the pain in his sobs was loud and clear. Bokuto gently rubbed his back and allowed him to cry on him, embracing him protectively.


End file.
